Strained My Pussy

I must be off to a party in a minute...

But I stopped here to tell that I have apparently strained my pussy. It hurts around left lip. I examined and no skin is scratched or any visible bruise there but when pressed lightly there feels to be something hard beneath skin - like some small cramped muscle.

Nice.

Masturbation isn't harmless then I guess. But I'll take this any day over infection or such. :D

First Story Published

My first story is out there. Go and read it: A Day with Myself.

I would love to get any feedback. :)

Stress And Longing For Love

I'm totally stressed. A nervous wreck.

Yesterday evening my pulse was fast all the time. I just couldn't relax or calm down. It's like watching horrow movie where the scary part lasts for 5 hours or more. First it's just nervous feeling. Then it turns into quick heart beating and breathing discomfort. It all causes a dizzy, slightly nauseous feeling. Sitting down and relaxing don't do anything. I can stare a wall and still feel like I would be running long distance.

I feel my work efficiency is really low. It's probably just because of the stress but it also makes it worse. I notice myself spending two days doing something that probably couldn't be easily done in couple hours.

I spent hour or two drinking vodka and listening music last night. I got all emotional. I really, really want to fall in love. I want to feel something good instead. I want to have something I really want in my life.

Currently I just feel void. I'm doing my studies. I'm going to work whole summer. Both are excellent and smart things to do. But I'm not studying for myself now. I'm studying for a healthy future-self who probably would benefit greatly from those. But I'm not that future-self and I don't know if I believe I'll never will be. I just fill my days from things that don't benefit me now at all. Things that don't interest me at all. No wonder I feel void - I'm living for someone else now.

I just would want someone to love. Someone to who I could show my best parts. Someone who would give meaning for being nice and good. Now I'm merely looking into the mirror and seeing my worst parts.

Going To Miss A Deadline

Should have started working on this exercise work week earlier :(

There's simply no way I can get it ready before deadline (which apparently is tomorrow not end of week or month)... I just have been so broken lately that I haven't got anything done :(

I know I could ask if I can submit my work a bit late but then again: I have done that couple times already this course. Feels awful to ask more time once again. Feels stupid to start really working this late again.

Last deadline this spring. I have two weeks time to concentrate on this. How did I use it? Well... Most of time I have been blankly staring at monitor between cryings. I hate stress and I hate it when I can blame only myself for it.

I guess I just have to give up and mail course personnel that I will be late...

Deadline Closing

Should be a busy day today. I just happened to realize that end of month is on Saturday and I have a deadline then. I so love myself when I leave these things to last minute... I think I can still make it but it will hurt. Well cant complain too much. It's my own fault anyway.

C: get your vibe....
C: u know where it is going dont u, bad girl
r: i think i can guess
C: put the tip in your ass
r: dont i get any lube?
C: no, you have been bad
r: oh...

Repulsive State

On morning I didn't feel much anything. Now I feel just sick and tired of everything. Maybe I should just close computer for good and leave my mobile phone off... Maybe then I wouldn't feel so frustrated with people.

Some moments I understand that my friends don't want to talk with me. I'm not really that good company. I'm not their best friend. They all have better friends. I mean I don't think they would think about me and wonder if I have time to talk. More like they occasionally are up to chat or do something with me. Occasionally. And especially if I suggest it when they are bored.

I have got lots of people saying "I can talk with you" and so on. I really appreciate that. But I have to say that I don't feel like starting to talk with strangers all the time. My biggest worry is that people who I care, who I have trusted, seem to ignore me. No stranger or new friend can replace someone you like just like that, can they?

Also I have got hurt with many people. Not on their purpose but it just has happened. I'm just trying be careful with who I get somehow attached.

I have done lot cybering - virtual sex; mutual masturbation; sex chatting; whatever - lately. Time to time I feel myself really low doing that. And I'm not trying judge it or say it's lame or anything. It's just that I feel my motives to do it is not because it's fun or I would really enjoy it, but more like that I do it for attention. I do it because it's better than sitting alone and staring monitor.

And that goes with other sex activities too. How much I just shape myself to get attention and acceptance. It's so easy. Just use your body for half hour to get moments of acceptance and social success. It's so easy to get attention with sex when you're a girl.

Crying

No end of tears today...

Dead End

Last night went pretty much in crying.

Yesterday I was feeling lonely. I have maybe 50 people in my IM contact lists, from at least 5 different time zones. None was online.

So here it is again:
How come that from closest 20 friends in my contact list (half consisting of real life friends) no one says even "hi" for a week?

Ok. Then I say then "hi" and tell that I'm having a hard time. I tell them how much it would mean if someone would even talk with me daily.

Do they say "hi" next day? No.

With some people, I have specifically talked how I don't understand people who don't ask next day how you are after being told about being ill or something... Ok. Some of those people do ask how I am - next day. But rarely day after that and so on.

I have tried and tried to explain how big difference it makes to me whether they would just say "hi" or not. And then in the end they still don't. What does that tell?

How should that be reasoned?

I usually try to think that I understand or perceive things wrong. There's just something in that story that don't match. Or I just care too much about wrong people or something.

This is a kind of dead end in my thinking.

Anxiousity

Im not ok.

I should get an appointment again this week...

I Have Nothing To Write About

Meeting people is a marathon.

After a while you might think you relax. It's an illusion. You don't. You just get used to it. You adapt. Just like when running a marathon. It just goes on - the running. But it will wear you down. It will have it's toll on you. There's no real goal. You can run whole your life but you have never run to the end. You just keep running until either give up and isolate yourself. Or until you cant continue anymore. Then you collapse.

People they like to slap your face.

They say one thing. They mean other thing. They say nice things without caring. They claim to care without saying. If you keep your heart open and you trust people, you may see some best things in the world. And get slapped a a lot along the way.

Sucking Cock

Ok so I am fantasizing about the real thing...

This is why I love giving blowjobs:
It's so direct way to give pleasure. You are face to face with the cock. You see it. You feel it. You taste it. You smell it. For me all the smells and tastes mean much in sex.

I also love the way how I can get so direct feedback from what I do. I do like being licked - getting oral - but I often have a bit hard time just relaxing, just getting it. I like it more when I can be dead sure that I make the other feel good. And I feel I'm good in it. I feel success - triumph - doing it.

And I cant just ignore the fact that there's some role-play in it too. It can be either way. It can be that I’m in power, controlling man's body and pleasure. Or it can be that man is in charge and I just submissively please. Especially if guy stands and I kneel before him... He places his hands on my head and demandingly guides my head a bit... Grabbing hair tightly.

When I’m giving it I usually want man to come in my mouth. Somehow I kind of feel that I have succeeded when he gets orgasm. That’s just the moment why his cock was in my mouth in the first place. I feel it is not a same thing if I suck almost to the end and then switch just to use hands (I have done that too - depends on my mood really). Usually I swallow. Sperm doesn’t taste good but I don’t see it as a culinary question. Taste purely is not that bad and if the sperm already is in my mouth, it’s way easier to just swallow instead of spitting it out.

I love giving oral to girls too with mostly same reasons. I guess female orgasm is way less exciting – I haven’t yet met a girl who would clearly ejaculate.

And sucking cock turns me on. After giving a blowjob I’m usually wet myself even if I haven’t been touched at all.

Wanting

I think I have been writing and talking way too much about sex and having the real thing way too rarely...

I want sex.

I was supposed to meet that guy I'm messing around today but he got something else to do. I'm not sure if I even want just sex. I might want something more. Something kinky. Something that tickles way deeper than just normal sex. Something that fucks your mind.

Feeling Better

Yesterday I felt stronger and more confident again. I'm not going to let myself get worse anymore this time. I don't want to have suicidal or self-harming thoughts and I don't want to live through those feelings of shame after them.

I had my story returned from editor. There was only some language polishing - story itself was good enough already. Now I need just to submit it anymore. Nice. One, way too much delayed, project over then.

I have now chatted two nights in row with C. Don't really know what I should write about it. Or if I should write at all. Both times it has went to cybering and masturbating. Perverted little night hobby it seems. Those chat sessions would become into nice stories though.

Getting More Stable

I gathered my strength and talked with H and N already...

I feel bit better now after talking but same time I just feel discouraged. I don't know really what I should think. I guess I should just accept the fact that there's not many people who would really look forward to hear about me. I do believe some people like me. I do think some people care about me. But its not that kind of caring that they would contact me and say hi or ask how I am... I mean its not kind of liking that they would take initiative.

It maybe could be compared to friends at work place. Yes you maybe like them, yes you possibly care some extent if they have had troubles. But you don't care to contact them outside work and ask if they are ok. I shouldn't expect things like that. Yes I do that myself. I contact people. I take initiative. If someone tells me that she's not feeling well, I do get worried myself. And I do ask her next day if she feels better. That's just me. I guess I'm not too normal when it comes to social things.

Sick

I feel nauseous and dizzy. I couldnt even eat much dinner.

I'm really getting confused with people too.


like that would be something new...

Anonymity

When reading those last posts I guess its obvious why I really need my anonymity in writing here. I couldn't let out things about my friends if they would read this. It would just look like I would try to blame them or get them to act like I want...

I have told about this blog only to very few people. Usually those are such with who I'm quite sparsely in contact. Sometimes I feel huge urge to reveal this blog to some of my friends. To make them understand me better but I know it would be just a temporary help. Later on I couldn't write same way anymore because I would have to consider how they would think about me.

Angry And Hurted

It got a lot worse now...

There are some persons who I have trusted. Who know that Im depressed right now. Who just dont seem to care to contact me.

I play these kind of scenarios in my mind all the time but its still shocking to see them coming true.

Cant Understand People

I know I have written about this earlier but cant help it...

I just dont understand it. If someone would tell me about being sick or depressed I think I would ask next day how that person is... I have friends who know Im depressed. They know that its very hard for me to initiate any conversation. They know I really need someone to talk to me when Im feeling like this.

So what they do? Nothing.

Im probably deep down in my twisted reality and reacting wrong but I just cant understand how it goes like this. I feel like turning off my mobile phone and uninstalling all messenger programs. Then at least I would know that no one contacts me. I wouldnt need to feel ingored or turned down. Its way better to be alone because of own choise than because you get ignored.

Childish

I think the worst is over for now. I don't have any pains now or such - I'm just feeling down. I'm confused with some of my friends. Half of time it seems to me that they really care - other half they don't. Maybe its a kind of obligation for them. When they know I'm depressed they feel like they should do something for it. But still they aren't anything more than they were. They usually still prefer someone else to talk with. They still have they everyday routines which give me negative signs too.

And the worst thing is that I actually cant blame them. Its not their fault. I pretty much keep distance to everyone. I cant expect to be best friends with everyone I like. I now understand better how childish my behavior can be...

Imagine a child who has something on mind, she wont wait patiently until mother happens to have time - she demands that attention immediately. Not getting it is getting rejected. It will cause child to do something to get noticed - cry, scream, behave badly, pout etc. Adults tend to say that child acts that way to get attention. But on other hand I think its not necessarily only acting to reach own goals but reacting to things that very real to that child - mother ignored her.

When growing up you are told how that behavior is childish. You get other, more discreet ways to react and show your feelings (or supposely if you're normal you don't get those feelings so easily). And same time you feel guilty and ashamed being so childish. Seeing that no one else acts that way anymore - it must be wrong behavior then. Others don't react to those things, so shouldn't you. Just the thing I refer with mask or acting - not letting out the real reactions but behaving like you're supposed to.

Painful

Yesterday was really bad. I felt really anxious and it got only worse toward night. I had chest pains which make breathing hard. A sharp pain - puncturing. Only way to breath is try to breath as shallow as possible.

I probably started to write here over 10 times but I couldn't really get anything written... Feels really hard now too.

Feels horrible now.

Mood Phases

I'm restless again. I feel actually scared. Feels like I'm getting depressed soon again and I don't know if I would want it to come as quickly as possible to end this uneasy feeling.

In this kind of feeling I just gradually get worse. I lose ability to reject all the negative feelings I get along the day. When I'm in good mood I can take it if someone doesn't want to talk with me. In this state, I try to take it but I actually gradually just get worse. And when the anxiety really kicks in, I get depressed or desperate.

I think my moods goes something like this:

1. happy
2. nervous
3. anxious
4. depressed
5. self-harming
6. self-shaming
7. void

First I'm happy. Then I get feeling that I'm going to get depressed again - or I get exhausted being happy. I get nervous. Its just like waiting when enough negative things have accumulated to bring me down. Its a state where I should try to get back up because its still possible. However it seems that I'm almost always unable to do it. I'm also pretty unable to get help in that state. I'm just kind of waiting for a miracle that someone would come and cheer me up. Not very big chance.

Then anxiety comes. Its maybe the hardest part. I hurts most. This is when I tend to have breathing trouble and panic disorder -like things. Then when anxiety starts to go over, I'm depressed. I'm just down there somewhere but I don't feel that anxious anymore. This is the flegmatic phase where nothing seems interesting anymore.

Depression leads (not always though) to self-harming. After a while when nothing is interesting, nothing means anything anymore, I need to get some reaction. I need to feel something. I don't want to feel nothing. Pain is better than that.

Self-harming is something I haven't still done yet properly. I just feel urge to do it. I get fascinated by knives and see images in my mind how they would easily cut my skin and make me finally feel something. Then when it turns to shame. I feel ashamed, and I, instead of harming myself, seem to want to punish myself in that way. I guess I feel ashamed of thinking and wanting to hurt myself. I feel worthless and inferior.

I don't know if I'm really punishing myself or rewarding - I cope this phase extremely sexually. Or maybe I'm using sexuality to get success in something. I guess this phase can be quite confusing to people around me since I'm really begging and craving for embarrassment and humiliation in sexual context. I have done weird things in my life during this phase. In this phase I'm also craving for attention - in sexual manner and non sexual. Not getting attention can easily bring me down.

After that goes over I usually feel void. Not depressed. Not flegmatic. Just void. I guess its state after flushing lots of bad from my mind and coping it in very exhausting and socially dangerous way. Risking a lot to seemingly gain nothing.

From void there's somewhat easy way to up or back down.

Lust

My hair is now evenly cut to the level of earlobe. I dyed it yesterday to dark reddish brown. I just love how it looks now. And how easy it is when compared to that 5-10 cm longer hair I had for a while. My hair is so thin and gets easily messed up - it was a constant fight with it.

I also love having back of my neck bare. I think back of neck is very sensual and erogenous place. I like to pet myself there. :)

This morning I felt something I haven't felt much during last months. I wanted to live. I haven't been suicidal all the time but I lacked proper lust for living. Today I felt it first time for long time. I want to live, feel, experience, enjoy... all that.

I'm still kind of frustrated like yesterday but I guess I'll get better. Sometimes I feel like a little child trying to get attention and taking it very personally when not getting one. Little child first pouts, then riots. Adult first pouts, then gets depressed.

Frustation

I'm somewhat frustrated now. I have felt really social and energic today but it seems no one really cares to talk with me...

I'm going to get my hair cut today and I'll prolly do some shopping too. I need to get some new clothes for summer finally. Now as I know I get that job I can spend I bit more too.

I'm not only socially frustrated... I sexually frustrated too. Currently I just want it. Its not about satisfaction purely. This cant be helped with masturbation.

Still energetic but far less cheerful.

Finished One Story

I have been feeling quite good today. I happened to talk with N and we talked about breaking up relationships, periods and contraception, sex drive and masturbation. I told her (once again) that I should send her my masturbation story which has been almost finished for long time. This time however I got time and energy to finish it.

So I partly rewrote it, sent it to her. I waited totally blushed while she read. After that we talked long time about sex. It was really nice. And I was kind of embarrassed but that's just me - I like that feeling. I wonder if she was as turned on by the story and talking about sex as I was.

I have a wild imagination in these things. :)

Anyways... now the story is finished. I trying to get one volunteer editor to read it through and give some comments. After that I'll publish it at literotica. I'll give a link to it later then.

Me And Me In My Head Every Day

- She doesn't want to talk with me.
- Why do you think so?
- Its the way she talks. Her answers took time. They were not like when she is interested in talking.
- Maybe she was busy. Or talking with someone else too.
- Why didn't she say so then? She should know I'm extremely sensitive to these things.
- Because she thought that you wanted to talk and she didn't want to say "no"?
- But still. So she kept talking to me as a some kind of secondary activity - as long as it didn't bother her other things.
- You cant expect to be most important thing for other people.
- When I speak with her I give her my attention.
- Its because you don't have much friends anyway. You are quite a sucker to anyone who is friendly with you.
- So I shouldn't expect her to be a serious friend?
- She has many time indicated that she cares. That sounds "serious".
- Whats the use of someone caring about you if you're halfly ignored?
- People do "halfly ignore" even ones they care.
- So I should just accept it and not complain about it?
- Might be good idea.
- I'm so fed up acting and hiding what I feel.
- Its not about acting.
- It is for me. Its acting - trying to pass as a normal person since I feel wrong.
- Maybe you could just ask when you wonder these kind of things?
- I don't think she would like me asking that kind of questions every day.
- Why not?
- Pointing out what someone does "wrong" easily makes that person try to "correct" them.
- And that would be bad thing?
- Then people around me would give me special treatment. They would try to communicate me in a way I guided them to do. And its me who reacts wrong, not they doing wrong.
- Why would that still be bad thing?
- Would they then express their real feelings and thoughts if everything is covered into act which is made to prevent me getting hurt?
- Its not totally sure that they would "act" towards you.
- What other could it be called if they would for example know that they shouldn't talk with me unless they give me enough attention? They would try to hide it best they can when they are busy or upset or such.
- And that is bad?
- Would I then get attention because they want to give me it or because they know I get hurt unless I get it?

And it goes on...

I Got That Job!

I got a phone call today afternoon from that company. They said that they had chosen me!

Ok... I'm not surprised at all. Excited yes. And scared too.

But its all going on now on its own weight. I just have to see how it turns out. At least I feel like I had got suddenly new energy. I even made some exercise today - abs and so on. Maybe I get my life back in order with this. Now I should get something to focus. And also I don't need to be that careful with money. I can well have an espresso at cafe without needing to think if I can afford that euro or two.

Excited - its been a while since I felt this way. :)

Theatre Of The Mind

I visited library yesterday. I looked for books about depression but I didn't found many for my liking. Actually there was three proper psychological books just about depression. One concentrated how characters in Bible had depressions. Another didn't mention Bible in covers but had drawings about Jesus inside. Third one referred all the time to losses (loss of job or close one) - not quite close to my depression as I see my depression more as result of internal not external reasons. I'm not Christian and I was looking for a book which would explain depression and perversions a bit. (Somehow I feel that if cover mentions Bible they are not going to go in depths with sexual perversions...)

I found Joyce McDougall's Theatre of the Mind and now I'm reading it. It seems to be pretty much what I hoped to find. Written interestingly and very psychological way - unlike some books which concentrate on life situation (they make more sense to read when depression is due situation in life - like loss of job or close person). Its maybe a bit too Freudian. I don't like the way how sexuality is used with everything. Surely sexuality is one of the biggest motivators in human mind but using terms like "homosexual" all the time in about every context is more like irritating. Over-using makes it less credible - maybe psychologists/psychiatrists associate it a bit differently though.

But still I think I'm going to read it fast. I guess at some level I expect to get a kind of "eureka" moment when done - understanding myself better after that.

Night Shift

Well on Saturday I had a "date" and to skip all interesting parts I'll just tell that I ended up at Ikea. I bought three lamps and big oven tray and couple plants - good thing I wasn't there to buy anything.

Nothing special happened since. I missed one deadline earlier so I basically begged my tutor in course to let me continue. And he agreed if my work is in his email tomorrow morning. Its soon 2 am and I just got it done. Pretty much whole Sunday and today went to that.

But now I guess I should feel fine and go to bed. I feel awfully nervous. I cant really explain it. Its like having a constant hunch that something bad will happen. I have been in a relatively good mood for week now and perhaps its a feeling that it wont last long anymore.

Anyway... here's something weird I wrote when remembering some old thing:

She and she fought.

She won, she submitted.

She pulled her hair, she whimpered.

She put a clothespin on her clit.

Ouch!

Dream

In my dream last night there was some small cruising boat where there was people just sitting and idly chatting. They all were chatting about where they would go when ship would reach its destination. I saw a slightly gothic style girl walking up to. I recognized her as one with who I used to be friends some years ago. She had dyed bright red stripes to her black long hair. I was happy to see her. And she walked over but she didn't recognize me and I didn't have courage to say anything to her since I was feeling ashamed that we haven't been in contact any longer. And everyone continued chatting about what they would do after this boat trip. Then they asked me what I was going to do and I started to cry because I didn't know at all. I didn't even know where I was. And I hoped that someone would have asked me to come with but no one did.

Periods Post

Forgot to mention one thing... I visited doctor on Tuesday and she said I could well skip every second periods. I have been using Nuva Ring for contraception and she said it is ok to use second ring right after first one. It would mean only 6 periods per year - not a bad thought. :)

I don't like advertising but I have been happy with that ring. It has no bad sides when compared to pills and lots of advantages. First doctor I asked about that ring was really weird. She basically didn't know a thing about it. Then she found some brochure about it and after reading she just tried to make me understand that "you know there's this thing that you need to put it there with your fingers". I wouldn't have believed that kind of people still exist... And in professionals of health care. Sure it needs to be put in with fingers - should that be repulsive or something? Haven't that woman ever used tampons?

I think its way more repulsive to swallow a pill every day than stick fingers inside once per month...

Post Disappears And Reappears

I just wrote damn long one and when I pressed post it gave "page not found" and everything disappeared. I hate web forms... :(

EDIT: And now it appeared back??? I wonder what took so long...

Interview And Visitor

Interview went pretty well I think. Their all conferencing rooms were taken so the interview actually took place in sauna cabinet. I was kind of amused by the situation as two slightly embarrassed men told me that they was going to take me two floors below the ground. Of course someone might get funny ideas about job interview in sauna cabinet but actually there was nice sofas and we had pretty relaxed conversation. Not much an interview, more like just general chatting.

If they don't take me its in my opinion at least not because of the interview. If some other applicant has superior work experience or such then it cant be helped. I try not to stress about being able to work through the summer since I don't even if I have job or not. I should find out before end of the month.

I had forgotten something totally. Or actually two things. First my cousin came to visit me for two days with her two kids. She called me yesterday just saying "we are there in 2 hours". Then it hit me that we had actually agreed about this over a month ago already. So I needed to quickly clean up places move everything a bit higher so that the younger kid cant reach. And also lock up my nightstands at bedroom. Another thing I forgot was that my seminar works deadline was on Monday. I guess I should email my professor and start begging. Problem is that with 3 extra people in my apartment (two screaming kids) I cant get that done. Now they went for a walk so I actually have time to write this.

Kids are scary.

Job Interview Tomorrow

I got invited to a job interview yesterday. I guess I should be happy. In fact I'm scared. My chances to get that job are pretty good but I'm not sure at all if I want it. I'm not sure at all if I can handle it. And I don't mean technical difficulties or anything like that. I just mean when looking what has happened with me during last 7 days. Can such happen during work week? Can I just cry night at home and then go to work next day like nothing had happened? That scares me a lot.

But I cant back off from it now. This is way too good opportunity. It might help me too in depression side. Good job, new possibly nice people, more money to spend, perhaps a place for graduation work etc.

I talked with the guy who I have been dating, who is now "fuckbuddy" (I kind of hate that word), who I'm going to call M now on (not his name's initial but I think that was in use already earlier in my blog), and with who I really haven't been in contact for a while. I just haven't felt like seeing him for a while, so I haven't. This is why I don't think I could handle proper relationship now. When you are steadily dating someone you can hardly say that "I don't feel like talking/meeting" for a week - especially if you have no obvious explanation for that.

Its not like I would have been totally alone though. I have met my friends quite a lot now. I feel a bit tense as it has been away from my "relaxing time" but on other hand I'm quite happy that something "old" is back again.

Interview is tomorrow already. I know I'm at my best in meeting new people but still it makes me nervous. And its probably in English. I have spoken English last time on September or so. Of course reading and writing isn't any problem but I think in face-to-face conversation I might stammer a bit.

Vibrating Panties

I chatted last night with H with MSN. I guess really got thing for her. Might be just a part of this sensitivity. In a way its kind of scary to realize how much it matters to me what she says. But its not always just bad things. I go all mellow when she says something nice to me. Well... yesterday she said something that make incredibly turned on.

We were actually talking about vibrating pants that are available in one girls toyshop. They got some discrete vibrator in them and a remote control! A half public place (like lecture hall), such panties and remote control in someone else's possession pretty much makes up one of my fantasies.

I think I need to find out if they are available in Finland or do I need to order them from far away... 3 hour long lectures wouldn't ever be same again.

Another Collapsing

Yesterday I had everything talked through with H and then right again small misunderstanding. It was nothing. Its all apologized and forgiven now but for an hour or two I was living through a nightmare.

I feel ashamed about it. It makes me think how sensitive I am now. Its like being on edge all the time. Just something tiny is enough to push me over the edge.

I got something else to write about too... about normal stuff that has happened recently. And about what I talked and did with my "date" (I gotta start using some other term or initial letter since I feel silly using that one) but now I feel a bit too tired to write. Later... maybe.

A Bit Better Again

Ok. I'm a bit better again.

Well physically I feel slightly sick but my mood is better. Now I feel just ashamed that I collapsed like that. I talked with H and she said "you know that I really, really care about you". I could just answer that in a way I don't have a clue what that means. I see people acting differently than what I suppose they would act if they would mean what they say. Its almost like in every friendship there's a cumulating sum of negative evidences (evidence of them not liking me) which at some point will over-ride anything they have said.

I start to feel qualified to write a guide "how to speak with depressed person". I think worst mistake what people do is trying to give solutions to depressed person's problems. However depressed ones are not stupid. Its not like they don't know how to cheer up - they are depressed because they cant use them. If you want to help, make sure that two things that depressed one will get from your talk is A) you care and B) its ok to talk to you. That someone will even listen is comforting already. I think many people mean just good but they forgot both of those. Result is that they end up more like arguing with depressed person - trying to force depressed one to take solutions they think are best.

I guess I could write really long one about this but I'm feeling a bit too tired now. I need something to eat and then maybe a bit rest.