The End?

Im on a sick leave from work now. More or less. I guess I have to work a bit next day... just to keep project running but otherwise Ill just stay home.

It seems Im not going to continue writing this blog anymore. Somehow I just dont feel like that anymore. In a way I feel this blog has run its course. Maybe. I have to think about it...

Shock

I think Im now just beginning to understand in what kind of shock I have been.

Im always afraid of being abandoned. Now it more or less happened for real. Also like my gut feeling always keeps telling when people dont like me or when I bother them or when they wouldnt care to talk with me or know how I am... and now it then happened...

First you are afraid and almost paranoid about something and just tell you are wrong in your feelings. And then you realize that you were right. And that being right is even worse.

Kind Of Back

I guess I could turn commenting back on...

I have been really bad lately. Had one drinking day this week. After some alcohol I ate all my anxiety meds I had left (maybe 10 or so) as couple didnt help enough. I threw up later and felt very sick through the next night. Nothing harmful. Not really even trying a suicide. Just more like "I dont care" feeling.

At least it took anxiety away for a while.

But of course it came back quickly. Cant seem to get over it now at all. :(

I still havent managed to get new doctor time or psychologist time. So Im just waiting without any idea what will happen next. I went to emergency reception to get more anxiety meds. It worked. So Im more or less in same situation where I was last week...

Sorry for this.

I just thought I should write that Im still ok... or not ok but alive.

I turned commenting off. Reason is that I feel like killing myself. I dont want any comments on that. Im not probably doing it. And I dont want anyone to feel responsible for replying or saying anything to that.

I just want away...

Truth Kills

I just want to go numb with meds and alcohol...

Feels like everything is coming down now...

Seems like the illusion I have had has just crumbled away and now I really see the reality. I would like to stop pushing myself to social situations. Just to see if people would try to take contact to me if I dont do it first. How long I would be alone?

Day or two before someone wonders how Im doing? Doubt...

Week before people wonder where I have gone? Maybe...

Month before someone thinks its weird I have disappeared? Could be...

I dont think I would wait that long though. I think I the truth would kill me faster...

Why do I keep on hanging on people who dont care about my company?