Mood Phases
I'm restless again. I feel actually scared. Feels like I'm getting depressed soon again and I don't know if I would want it to come as quickly as possible to end this uneasy feeling.
In this kind of feeling I just gradually get worse. I lose ability to reject all the negative feelings I get along the day. When I'm in good mood I can take it if someone doesn't want to talk with me. In this state, I try to take it but I actually gradually just get worse. And when the anxiety really kicks in, I get depressed or desperate.
I think my moods goes something like this:
Then anxiety comes. Its maybe the hardest part. I hurts most. This is when I tend to have breathing trouble and panic disorder -like things. Then when anxiety starts to go over, I'm depressed. I'm just down there somewhere but I don't feel that anxious anymore. This is the flegmatic phase where nothing seems interesting anymore.
Depression leads (not always though) to self-harming. After a while when nothing is interesting, nothing means anything anymore, I need to get some reaction. I need to feel something. I don't want to feel nothing. Pain is better than that.
Self-harming is something I haven't still done yet properly. I just feel urge to do it. I get fascinated by knives and see images in my mind how they would easily cut my skin and make me finally feel something. Then when it turns to shame. I feel ashamed, and I, instead of harming myself, seem to want to punish myself in that way. I guess I feel ashamed of thinking and wanting to hurt myself. I feel worthless and inferior.
I don't know if I'm really punishing myself or rewarding - I cope this phase extremely sexually. Or maybe I'm using sexuality to get success in something. I guess this phase can be quite confusing to people around me since I'm really begging and craving for embarrassment and humiliation in sexual context. I have done weird things in my life during this phase. In this phase I'm also craving for attention - in sexual manner and non sexual. Not getting attention can easily bring me down.
After that goes over I usually feel void. Not depressed. Not flegmatic. Just void. I guess its state after flushing lots of bad from my mind and coping it in very exhausting and socially dangerous way. Risking a lot to seemingly gain nothing.
From void there's somewhat easy way to up or back down.
In this kind of feeling I just gradually get worse. I lose ability to reject all the negative feelings I get along the day. When I'm in good mood I can take it if someone doesn't want to talk with me. In this state, I try to take it but I actually gradually just get worse. And when the anxiety really kicks in, I get depressed or desperate.
I think my moods goes something like this:
- happy
- nervous
- anxious
- depressed
- self-harming
- self-shaming
- void
Then anxiety comes. Its maybe the hardest part. I hurts most. This is when I tend to have breathing trouble and panic disorder -like things. Then when anxiety starts to go over, I'm depressed. I'm just down there somewhere but I don't feel that anxious anymore. This is the flegmatic phase where nothing seems interesting anymore.
Depression leads (not always though) to self-harming. After a while when nothing is interesting, nothing means anything anymore, I need to get some reaction. I need to feel something. I don't want to feel nothing. Pain is better than that.
Self-harming is something I haven't still done yet properly. I just feel urge to do it. I get fascinated by knives and see images in my mind how they would easily cut my skin and make me finally feel something. Then when it turns to shame. I feel ashamed, and I, instead of harming myself, seem to want to punish myself in that way. I guess I feel ashamed of thinking and wanting to hurt myself. I feel worthless and inferior.
I don't know if I'm really punishing myself or rewarding - I cope this phase extremely sexually. Or maybe I'm using sexuality to get success in something. I guess this phase can be quite confusing to people around me since I'm really begging and craving for embarrassment and humiliation in sexual context. I have done weird things in my life during this phase. In this phase I'm also craving for attention - in sexual manner and non sexual. Not getting attention can easily bring me down.
After that goes over I usually feel void. Not depressed. Not flegmatic. Just void. I guess its state after flushing lots of bad from my mind and coping it in very exhausting and socially dangerous way. Risking a lot to seemingly gain nothing.
From void there's somewhat easy way to up or back down.
posted by rakastuja at 10:39 AM
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