Fetish Quiz

I did this very long fetish quiz:

"You prefer mostly females, but some males catch your interest. You tend to be submissive. This will impact the interpretation of your various sexual interests. Possibly left over from your childhood experiences is your interest in spanking. You enjoy the feeling of being slapped, and the burning feeling afterwards. Spanking is not child's play to you. It holds a deep place in your fantasies. You enjoy being humiliated. The thought of humiliation strongly appeals to you, though you may not know why. You enjoy the sensations of various toys on your body. Your interest in sensations can be light or it can get bloody hard -- literally. But you enjoy it all the same. You become aroused when you reveal information about yourself, or perform a sex act in a public or semi-public setting. Your mouth is a sacred area that houses a variety of sensations and desires for you. You enjoy having things in your mouth, and you enjoy teasing your tongue with a variety of different stimulation. Strangers fascinate and interest you, and many of your fantasies either involve strangers or are in their presence. You tend to enjoy sexual activities in groups, such as threesomes or orgies. You may enjoy thoughts of your sexual partner inserting a hand or fist into your body. You like sucking on fingers ... whether they are your own or those of your partner. What else can be said? You enjoy getting yourself off. Don't we all? "

Dominant (1 out of 5)
Submissive (4 out of 6)
Voyeurism (3 out of 6)
Clothing (1 out of 5)
Feet (0 out of 4)
Spanking (3 out of 5)
Bondage (1 out of 3)
Humiliation (6 out of 7)
Sensation (5 out of 8)
Anal (2 out of 4)
Exhibitionism (4 out of 5)
Sleep (2 out of 7)
Medical (2 out of 7)
Training (1 out of 4)
Food (2 out of 4)
Bodyfluids (2 out of 7)
Roleplaying (1 out of 6)
Oral (3 out of 5)
Objects (2 out of 5)
Strangers (4 out of 4)
Rape (2 out of 4)
Groups (2 out of 3)
Gagging (1 out of 4)
Watersports (2 out of 5)
Crushing (1 out of 5)
Bestiality (0 out of 3)
Fisting (4 out of 5)
Finger sucking (3 out of 4)
Toe sucking (1 out of 3)
Masturbation (3 out of 3)
Asphyxiation (1 out of 4)

Chest Pains

I woke up last night in hard chest pains and I couldnt breath at all for a moment. It took really long to be able to breath normally and painlessly again.

This wasnt first time but it's always really scary to wake and not be able breath.

Now I'm at work but I feel like going to home. I dont feel all that well physically... and I guess not mentally either.

Saturday

I'm probably just awfully bad friend myself...

I missed really important exam again because of anxiety...

It wont take long before I'm out of anxiety meds. I maybe should take smaller doses with alcohol to make them last longer.

Cocks

I feel totally messed up.

I'm kind obsessed with cocks again (this isnt the reason why I feel messed up). Cocks are interesting. Kind of mystical. At the moment I would love to play with one.

And I have to say, I mostly think about giving a blowjob. One could think that after being with girls so long I would miss intercourse with guys - but I actually dont at all. But I would love to face-to-"face" with a penis. Funny.

I guess I'll go to browse net...

Waiting For An Anxiety Attack

Feeling anxious again...

This is just the feeling I have before getting a proper anxiety attack. It's like knowing that something bad will happen but there's no way preventing it.

I have work to do but I feel more like throwing up any minute.

Self-analysis

Here's how I currently see myself. This is really hard to put as I feel I can more easily point what is wrong in some statement about me than what is right.

I think the biggest problem with me is understanding how people show emotions and intentions. How do you know if someone care about you or not? Through how people act toward you, what they say and how and when. And it happens pretty intuitively. I don't know if it's learned or inherited but we all have kind of "expectations" how other persons should react to situations depending on their inner feelings.

Like imagine your mother getting so demented that she doesn't remember you at all. When you say "hi", she might respond with "hi" but without same kind of reaction you expect. You wouldn't get hurt because she doesn't say something precisely something, or because she doesn't act precisely in some way but because you get a feeling that she doesn't have any feelings toward you. Now assume that with this situation she would still claim to remember you and love you - no matter how much your brains would tell otherwise.

That is a bit how it is with me. People don't react in a way I expect they should if they would have certain feelings toward me. That's why I feel hurt so often. It's often that someone can claim to like me and next moment I sense total void in their reactions "emotional content".

I'm not stupid. I understand that I get people's reactions wrong. But if you all the time feel you are being fooled you are likely to believe it some point. Also sensing that something is wrong makes you try to figure out what it is. With me it usually means trying to provoke those reactions I expect to see. That is why I often very strongly state how I feel. I think I believe that if I would very clearly show how I feel, other people would do so too. And then I could maybe see what I expect to see and it would help my insecurity.

It just rarely works. Often it leads to almost paranoid chase of trying find what I want. I try to find a proof to either way. I would need constant reassuring to keep me believing against what I intuitively feel.

Or actually I don't know if I just understand things wrong or if I'm too sensitive to what I feel. Often when if what someone says and what I expect to see meets it feels overwhelming. Like going off the scale. Most of times it happens when someone either loves or hates me and shows it clearly. Sadly it feels that latter is almost more common.

Being too sensitive would make sense also because being honest you aren't always happy to see someone - even if you would like that person. Or you might be busy or tired or something else. But you aren't all the time very happy to see anyone you like. It is possible that I'm just way too sensitive to these. Maybe I'm not totally wrong in when I feel that "no one cares about me". I just don't have idea of the magnitude. Maybe in reality it was "we are not too thrilled to see you".

But of course people don't usually admit such things. It's not polite to say to people that you don't want to see them at the moment - you rather tell excuses, little white lies.

So either way, same results. The feeling I get people doest match what they say. It makes me almost paranoid in trying to see the "truth" in people and it eats away anything I have felt before. I can be very convinced about someone one moment but if wont last if I keep getting contradictory feelings. It also makes me very insecure because most of times I feel that people in reality are more negative toward me than they claim to be. It's like being ugly and seeing it in mirror (what else are peoples reactions than a social mirror) while everyone just are too polite to admit it.