Off To Italy

Im off to Italy. This week went with way less posts that I would have wanted to write but somehow I just didnt have time...

Maybe my life in better order after next week. :)

New Work

I was going to write about my new work yesterday but H got mad at me and I went into some kind of shock. I wrote half dozen messages to her but I only sent one. I'm really scared about her saying me next that she doesn't want to talk with me anymore. I actually spent quite a lot of last night thinking what I would answer when she says that...

But I'll try to tell a bit about this work now. On Monday I got 5 hours long introduction to company and house and to some basic things here. Then right after I got briefed about my work and I actually started doing it. I don't know what I expected but I was really surprised. I actually going to make some studying on couple subjects myself.

Company is big but the team I'm in is small. And half are non-Finnish so its pretty international atmosphere and all lunches we talk only English.

But there's some cons too. I'm only woman in team and they all are 10+ years older. And they are quite nerdy. Most lunches they just talk about some tech related stuff. Feels a bit lonely here. I guess I would really prefer some more social work.

Next week I'm going to Italy. I'm going there with my friend. So not much blogging this week and none next week. I'll try to write more when I get back.

Recovery From Spyware

I was going to write earlier about lots of things but my computer got infected by spyware and whole Sunday and Monday evenings went in trying to get rid of it. :(

Of course normal automated removal tools didnt help and I needed to get a bit help... but I guess its ok now. I think Im going to stop using Internet Explorer right away.

So I had first work day yesterday. I got a lot to write about it but I think I'll try to write tomorrow.

Saturday Update

Felt pretty good yesterday and today. Yesterday I was having a barbeque with my parents and it was nice. I walked that couple miles back home pretty drunk. Somehow still I feel I almost like have an invisible barrier between me and my parents.

I feel like guest there. A bit like outsider. I cant get that kind of "we are a family" feeling...

Today was really nice weather again. I walked for an hour, bought some ice cream and I was generally feeling good.

After that I have got worse again. All it needs is one asshole and my day ruined. :(

I know this is pretty stupid post but I cant myself to post anything more now...

Down

I have been really down now... I just feel void and totally uninterested to do anything. Basically, I had to force myself to write even this. I got lots of email unanswered too.

On Monday I start working... hopefully my mood improves before that.

Last Exam Tomorrow

Last exam of this spring is tomorrow...

I'm trying to read for it. I'm trying to make sure that tomorrow morning I feel like I would have even decent change to pass it.

Right now I feel like beated. Hard to believe that in less than 20 hours its all over. No more exams for months. No more feeling quilty of not studying like I should.

I saw a weird dream last night. In that dream I was a black man. Maybe I'll write details about it later.

Sunny Friday

You know when someone says something like "I know you'll be fine" or such when you are hesitating or afraid to fail. I was wondering what that is supposed to mean actually. I mean I know people say it as encouragement but is it such? It always makes me a bit uneasy. Doesn't those wishes actually mean "I trust that you success" and then if you dont success you have failed in their eyes?

I decided to skip exam today. I'm going to put my effort on exam on Monday. If I fail it too then whole exam period this spring has been a total failure. I don't know if that was expectable though. Sometimes when reading my old blog entries it feels kind of wonder that I'm even considering exams now.

Right now there's great weather outside. Sun shines, warm enough... Now for first times it really feels like summer. :)

Exam Day

So today was the examination day...

I went to university. I ate lunch there. I read bit over hour and when exam was going to be... I didn’t go there. I just stayed at library telling myself that I wouldn’t pass it anyway and it would just be waste of time to go there. So I spent the exam time in library doing pretty much nothing reasonable.

I felt – I feel awful doing that. I really needed to hold back tears in library. I’m disappointed with myself and ashamed about it. When someone asks how the exam was I’m going to lie that I was there. I don’t know why I do that. And I don’t know why I keep it strictly secret. Sometimes I know on morning already but still I act whole day like I would be going there… This really wasn’t first time. :(

Exam phobia? Does such make any sense? I don’t think I’m afraid of the place or situation but more like the shame I feel because I haven’t studied well enough…

Life After Birthday

Yesterday wasn't that bad day at all. I didn't have any birthday parties, no one came to see but I did get couple phone calls and many happy birthday -wishes from people in net. I tried to read for exam whole day but I didn't manage to as well as I could have. Still reading couple hours is always better than reading nothing.

didn't get any birthday presents. I guess my parents will give something when I see them next time. Others? I dunno. My grandmother probably gives some family jewelry or such she has left. Cousins... Well... Currently I feel I would be surprised if they even remember.

Today I have the exam and then I have to start reading for next exam right away. At the moment life sucks.

I saw really weird dreams last night. In first dream I was in Led Zeppelins concert. I remember only that there was only long speech (in English) and no actual songs played - probably because I don't know that many songs of theirs.

In next dream I was in sauna with some other girl. She had a long stick with blade attached to its end and she made cuts on ceiling and walls with kind of "wow! Look! I can cut!" -attitude. Those cuts started to bleed. I just sat there feeling disgusted until I thought I would get some water and wash the blood away. I got a bucket of water and throw it at ceiling but it wasn't enough at all to wash away all the blood. Water made rune-like writings visible all around ceiling and walls.

It was getting scary already. I got out of there and wondered what should I do with it. Then I woke up. I was feeling quite uneasy and I went to bathroom and unlike usually I actually put lights on because I didn't feel like going there in darkness.

Birthday Today

Its my birthday today.

Whee...

And back to reading for exam.

Monday Again

I didn’t get massage but weekend was still ok. I don’t understand how it went so quickly. Most of it I spend on sofa watching TV, reading or sitting at computer. I must have made new masturbation record. It was like a constant itch that couldn’t be scratched. I got orgasm, then another and so on but it didn’t make me satisfied at all. More like it made me frustrated. Neurotic is probably good word for describing my masturbation.

It may sound exciting but it isn’t in that way. Its like being in state where you try to satisfy yourself but all orgasms and arousing are disappointment and doesn’t help at all. And after 8 hours rubbing it starts to feel pretty boring too. I watched nice amount of porn while trying to get spark for something. I tried to find video clips of cute girls kissing. Cant believe how hard it is. I mean what I want is two cute, real girls kissing and looking like they want to kiss and that they want each other. I found loads of show off tongue play, lots of unattractive model looking women etc.

I happened to come across a video clip where two girls were fighting. And I mean really fighting, not any show off wrestling or such. I cant find a word to describe reaction but it did have a big effect on me. I guess its because it reminds me of that beating I got. It really made me feel uneasy. A bit disgusted too. Still I watched whole clip like paralyzed. I guess there's a thing to talk with psychologist.

I have been thinking about my fantasies and self-image again. I clearly have two extreme egos. One ego is the supergirl. She’s pretty much everything that other people could adore. She is the girl who got good grades from school, knew right after school that she was going to get a master degree… she is smart, fun to be around, always positive, knows a bit about everything, speaks 6 languages and so on. She is the one that makes people impressed.

Then there’s the other extreme. Poor confused girl with depression. She is always a victim in fantasies. She is raped, kidnapped, tortured. She has bad luck and at best can be pitied by other people.

And I think I have a huge identity crisis. To some extent I have always thought I am that supergirl. I’m probably something between those two but now I feel I need to keep up that supergirl act to get people like me and accept me. Same time I fantasize about being that poor confused girl. And I partly am.

Dunno if this made much sense. Weird thing is that I don’t fantasize about being that supergirl. I don’t really fantasize much about being good or succeeding. I’m more like fantasizing how I fail. I wonder why I need to see myself as a victim.

I wandered a bit away from what I thought to write. I was actually just going to say I have exams ahead – two this week and one next week. Going to be really hard time and I feel anxious already. I’m already thinking if I should just decide to skip one exam right away to avoid stress.

I was going to read during weekend but I hardly got books opened at all. Now I have two days time per exam to read and its hardly enough even if I would put all I got for it. And with what I have been lately I guess 30% is a lot already.

About Ok

Pulled myself together and slept nice 9 hour night sleep. I feel pretty ok again. I have exams next week but this weekend I'm going to relax a bit and maybe do something nice for myself. I was thinking about getting a massage or something like that. Maybe a bottle of wine and good movie.

I bought some squids and Chinese chili oil for evening. I think I'm going to see how hot food I actually can eat :P

Right now I think I should maybe go for a little walk at beach.

Bad Day Today

Parties later today and I don't feel like partying at all.

I have to go demonstrating my work afternoon and before that I need get present for my friend. I'm feeling very unsure how this day turns out.

Last night I cried for real once again. And here's the stupid reason: I tried to talk with H and she just answered sparsely and couple times left for longer time without saying anything... I would like to tell her that. I would like to explain how I felt last night because of that but I don't think it would do any good. I don't think it would make much sense.

I just hope I somehow manage this day. Just hope I can hang on for next 16 hours or so...

Crying

I feel like collapsing again. Feels like there's nothing much to do than sit down and cry and even that wont help much.

Why is my life like this?

I got people saying they want to be my friends but I don't have a clue what that means.

Working

This day sucks totally.

I have to demonstrate my work tomorrow then as I missed my deadline last week. Its almost done but I cant seem get it finished. And this time its not about laziness or anything... I have been able to get my computer run out of memory over dozen times and couple times the program itself has crashed.

I was so angry that when I warmed up some tomato sauce for lunch I managed to stir part of it on my shirt and kitchen mat... Didn't help my pissed off mood at all.

And tomorrow is also parties. Hurray... A birthday parties and I haven't figured out at all what to give as a present. I have no idea at all. And I have no idea when I will get it. Not much over 24 hours time anyway.

Mood: angry and frustrated. I think I can add "desperate" soon too.

Vappu Report

So it was "vappu" here on Sunday. On Saturday I went to my friends parties (we usually celebrate eves not days). I had fun. I was about only single there as most of my friends are going steady with their boyfriends. We had just casual chatting, eating and drinking. I maybe drank a bit too much but it always feels like that afterwards.

Around midnight we went to local sub urbs bar. Don't remember too much of it. I danced 3 hours without much breaks. I think I drank only one cider there during whole time. And then I walked several km back home. Not a bad night at all. Nothing special happened though.

Yesterday I had a hangover. I had normal vappu-day things like usual. I walked to my parents house for lunch and to meet half of the family there. Pickled herring, eggs, mayonnaise, raw salted salmon, potatoes and sparkling wine always taste heavenly good on mornings like that :)

Next parties on Wednesday. My social life went from 0 to 100 in couple days.