Worse

If you tell someone that you are not feeling well and that person does not make any move to ask if you feeling better next time you meet or actually dont make any move to talk at all, what else it can mean than that person dont want to know or talk about it?

I always end up in troubles when I talk too much or too truthfully about myself. I think I scare people away. People ask how are you or how do you do but its not like they would like to know. Just a custom. You should say "Im fine" even if you would have just cut your wrists.

I should just face it. I dont have a friend who would care to listen my problems at same pace I have them. I just dont have. Thats it and all of it. I should stop bugging people around me in hope of finding one. Its easy for them to be supportive one month. Sometimes even some months. But a year? Or two years? Or more? No way. Only person who keeps asking how I am will probably be my psychiatrist and he too only because he gets paid for it.

Im kind of sick and tired of all friendships. I expect so much and I will always end up feeling turned down. I need friends who would contact me when I dont have strength or courage left to contact them. Friends who would understand that when I have least energy to socialize I need it most. But in the end it always seems that friendships are like business deals - canceled when it doesnt benefit enough anymore.

I feel like harming myself again :(

Same Things Again And Again

I was pretty ok yesterday when I posted but then I gradually get worse again. I talked with H and got a feeling that she actually wasn't too interested in talking with me. I always get anxious from such... I get a feeling that I need to do something regain that interest. I would need to do something nice, be more fun or make better small talk or I "lose" that person. I end up mind raging with thoughts and the other one usually just says "I gotta go" and leaves me totally unsure what's going on and if I did something...

Just what the description says: "real or imaginary fear of being abandoned".

Holidays Over/Sex Rant

Just where did all Easter holidays go?

On Friday I was out there eating lamb. On Saturday I had some kind of fog (~hang over) in my head. It just went past. On Sunday I visited my relatives - couple hours screaming little kids. What a torture! I just sat staring on ground while 3 kids kept up non-stop screaming and running. On Monday - yesterday - I had that guy I have dated a bit visiting me. I had told him earlier that I'm not currently interested in having a relationship with him. And that's what I honestly feel. Thinking about cuddling with him, walking hand in hand... uh! No thanks! I told him that I wouldn't mind sex and friendship (yes I know that many people say that first will sooner or later destroy latter). He didn't say much to that.

I know I probably sound cruel when I say that I don't mind risking his friendship for sex. We aren't best friends or anything like that. We have known each other couple years already. Actually I cant seem to even remember when I met him. But we are just chat-level friends. We have each other in messengers and we mostly chat that way. So I'm not too scared of "sex ruining good friendship". But I am scared of sex bringing in some emotions. I still think I cant just have sex with someone longer period of time without developing any feelings.

But on otherhand I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of just imagining touching. And I don't feel like going to bars to get company - especially as I don't feel like I could really handle relationship at the moment. So what else could I do? Stay alone? In a way it feels that getting a "fuck buddy" (trendy way to put it) would be really reasonable. Of course I have heard my share of "whore" and "slut" comments. I'm not going to rant too much about those hypocritical ones who think guys should go for it all the time but girl should be nun alone and suddenly turn into a nympho in relationship. I want love, closeness, touching, sex, excitement - all that - but I don't think love and closeness can happen now so why not to get even touching, sex and excitement. I want to get sexual pleasure and I want to give it.

I want it on physical level and mentally too... I want "mind fucking". Not sure where I heard that term but I have grown to like it. You can get fucked, spanked or anything but when you get spanked until you sob form pain and humiliation, tied up to completely helpless and then fucked until you don't know if you hate or love what someone does with your body and finally hugged and comforted, you have been through proper mind fucking. Its something that makes the difference between proper kinks and just dressing up to fetish clothes and mechanical spanking without right mind set.

Uh oh... I wondered far far away from my original subject...

So he came over, we chatted a bit, I gave him a blowjob, we ate some lasagne and watched TV, and then we had some more sex and he went back home. It wasnt great but it was ok and I don't regret it at all. :)

Project Porn Story

Yesterday night I went through those unfinished stories I have. I really want to get them done. I promised N I would send one of them to her.

Somehow its not easy to get them done. They just don't feel right. My first story is about masturbation. Its a story about one day and how I masturbate during it (I time to time do it whole day). Its - how should I call it - a pseudoreal story: all elements in it has happened, all things are real things from my life but its not a precise description of one certain day in my life. Its mostly about how I did it two years ago when I regularly started at home on morning, continued it slowly during the day at university and then finally finished when I got back home. The story is somewhat based on a masturbation post I wrote for Finnish forums earlier.

Second story is about my most shaking sexual experience. I'm not sure how I actually ended up doing it but I was a sexually used maid for married couple for a day. It was after I broke up with my ex and I had kind of craving for kinky things. Thinking about it now I also was kind of craving to hurt myself. I wrote that story in Finnish and maybe in slightly quick and slangish style. I posted it to L and she liked it and encouraged to post it to forums too. So I did (same forums as I spoke above) and it got slightly contradictory response. Some liked it, some thought it was disturbing. It isn't just nice "perfect big breasted woman has perfect sex with perfect guy with big cock" (I hate those kind of stories). I have translated that story to English already and its 12 pages long but it just don't feel right. It doesn't have the same atmosphere, same feelings, same emotions in it. I don't know if I should make it more or less fictional story because currently it doesn't seem to match the real experience.

Then the third option would be to rewrite it once again.

Third story is what I talked about earlier in my blog. Its about anal sex and I wrote it after seeing a dream where I was going to have it. Its not an erotic story but more like shortish article about my anal sex experiences and how I relate to it.

Easter

I woke up in sharp chest pain last night. I had troubles breathing in... I got up and tried to relax and breath calmly. After a while it went away. Kind of scary thing though.

I tried to talk with H twice yesterday but I didn't really get any answer. I'm trying to think that she is just busy or something. But this again about worst things. When I need to get noticed I really need it. I don't deal well if I get ignored. And now she is gone for week or so.

Its easter now. I'm going to visit my cousin tonight. Half family comes there. Well maybe around 15 people. We'll have garlic roasted lamb, morel risotto and such. Good food and good red wine. Hopefully it will cheer me up a bit.

Happy easter everyone!

Hmm... no idea if that's what people say in English...

Wasted Day

I feel somewhat down.

I havent got anything done today. I actually dont know where the whole day went...

I should be translating my CV to English and write my application but so far its been pain to even think about starting to write. Something I simply have to do during weekend.

I went to shopping mall today. I was going to look for pair of new jeans but I felt restless all the time. I visited couple shops but then I started to feel dizzy and simply had to sit down and take deep breath. I have no idea how long I sat there eyes closed.

I did feel better after some while and I ate a burger for dinner in one restaurant. One of the best burgers I have ever had. It had creme fraiche, red chili jam, jalapenos and guacamole. And there was chips and coleslaw with it. Made me feel a bit better.

That dizzy moment worries me a bit though. It wasn't first time. I have had such quite often lately. I guess they are mostly psychological but the effect is very real. I dont want to start be afraid of public places because I might faint there.

One Failed Deadline More

I feel stupid... Today I started working again on my seminar paper simply because I thought deadline would have been later today. Then I checked deadline from courses webpage and it was yesterday already!

I thought I'll just quick scrap something together and send it before I fail the course right away. I got something close to decent ready and I was sending when I decided to check requirements for this submission again. I have skipped all references (there's probably 40 references so it speeded up writing nicely) and then the requirements say that references are main point in this submission. So I just really quickly wrote all the references. Next my spell checker refuses to check Finnish. Then right before submitting that paper I read submitting instructions and there was line "smart student wont leave this to last moment :-)".

Well cant help. I'm happy if I pass the course. Couldn't care less what kind of grading I get.

I got informed about my "dream" job yesterday. Mobilephone software developer trainee position in top company. Position wont be announced publicly so there will be only handful of applicants. I got someone who recommends me in that company and very suitable education and experience. If nothing else that position will look great in work history in CV. They also use lots of graduation works and it would be quite likely that I could do my graduation work there with full salary.

So in a way: could be better opportunity.

I was really happy half of yesterday. Then I started to doubt if I can handle work. I'm really struggling to study... Working 8 hours per day isn't necessarily any easier. And you can always drop studies. You can always miss deadline at university and just fail the course. Work isn't same. What if I collapse during week? There's no hiding it anymore then. Someone will always require know why you don't arrive at work or get your work done.

Am I really able to work currently?

Weekend At Tampere

I spend weekend at Tampere. Actual reason to go there was that I got a free ticket for ice-hockey game. My cousin (not the one I have told earlier) lives there with her husband and she knew that I got the ticket so she of course wanted me to visit them.

Wasn’t that bad weekend. Hockey game itself was ok – not my local teams but didn’t matter me. It was quite a show. I guess its been some while since I have been in ice-hockey game last time. More cheerleaders, more lightshow, more music, more everything. I don’t know if its just me but I was pretty disturbed by those cheerleaders. They looked like 12-15 years old and had minimum clothes…

After ice-hockey game I went back at my cousins. We had sauna, some chatting and drinks and then oven-baked potatoes with different toppings. And then I sat on sofa, fell in sleep and I slept tight whole rest of the night. I slept lots during weekend – maybe 12 or 13 hours per day – but still I was more tired when I got home. Maybe I’m just made for 6 hour night sleeps.

Now I’m feeling weird again. Not actually down but I’m having some kind of self-humiliation period again. I’m going through all kinds of submissive fantasies. I guess this is my way of dealing with feeling of being worthless. I feel worthless and degraded so I cope it in sexual way by fantasizing how I would be that in sexual context and feel how someone could still like me and enjoy me.

Yesterday I chatted with that guy I have dated couple times. I asked him what he thinks about our dating and what he actually wants. Answer was pretty much just “I don’t know”. Annoying answer. I think that answer can mean two things: either you don’t want to decide yet but just see how it will turn out, or it means “I don’t really want you but I don’t have guts to tell you”.
Well, I encouraged myself anyway and told him what I had thought. He was pretty speechless but then just said he need to think about it. I guess he hadn’t quite expected that. And he doesn’t even know that I fantasize about rough things. I don’t want all that cuddling and kissing first – I just want him to grab my hair, forget foreplay and fuck me silly. After that I could use some hugging and cuddling. But I know the problems in this too well. Its not like I would like that every day or week. Its not like every guy likes to be rough. Just have to see what he thinks…

Lonely After Project

Yesterday was the final demo. I held a part of it. Didn't really care too much about it. Now its over anyway. I almost started crying at the bus stop after it. When I get home I slept way over hour... Feels just void. Momentarily I have felt good but most of time I just feel broken.

I guess I know that ending of that project also removes big part of what little social interaction there is in my life. Now again no one will care if I get up on mornings.

Today I thought that I'm actually really, really self-centered person. I'm good friends only with those with who I can talk about my depression and problems. And with those I have hard time finding any other subject. Its almost that when I talk with someone I'm talking about myself. :(

I just feel so compelled to let out what goes on in my mind. And get some acceptance... maybe compassion too... but that don't seem to make good friends. I think for all my friends I'm more like a special case who just needs to be tolerated... No wonder I'm so lonely.

Off To Bed

Today was last proper day working for that project.

I dunno what to think about. I don't really care how the product quality will turn out to be or anything. Just don't care. I'm glad its soon totally over. Now only couple presentations and demos and then its over and I don't need to think about it anymore.

I wrote documents and such for 6 hours today at home. During that time I got 4 orgasms. Then I did quizdiva's "how addicted you are to selfpleasing". Result indicated total addiction... Nice.

I'm really sleepy and I don't understand why. I have slept more during last days than I have for months and still I feel really sleepy. Not just normally tired (which doesn't prevent me from staying awake) but sleepy. Well... I'm off to sleep.

Last Sunday Sacrificed For The Project

Sunday and working always feel wrong.

Wednesday and Thursday was just as bad as I could have expected. But I managed to do everything. I guess I should be glad for that. I didnt read for exams though. So I guess its kind of stupid to even try them this week. Next exams of those courses will be on May so Im hoping I can take them then.

Next week project will end. I can hardly wait for it. I just wonder... I mean I will have 15-20 hours more time per week for other things. Should mean a lot less stress. Maybe Im able to write more this blog too. Now I feel I just dont have time to write when I feel like it, and when I have time I dont feel like writing.

Thanks for all comments and sorry I havent really replied any of them lately. I do read them all though (I get them emailed to me).

Morning Report

Yesterday was just as hard as I thought it would be. Nothing bad happened but I felt shaky whole evening. Today is possibly going to be worse. Bad thing is that I need to read to exam too. Its really hard to do since there's no actual set amount or such how much I should do that. Project work is easy to do since there is set amount of hours and predefined tasks. In studying for exams there's none. Basically I could skip all the studying. That's just what I'm afraid I end up doing.

Yesterday was international Women's Day. Not much difference except when I came back home, almost one third of women had a rose in subway. I guess some market gave them or something. I bought myself a chocolate pudding... doest it have something to do with this? No idea.

I have thought a lot again... this dating thing of mine... that porn story I have been polishing over a year already etc. If I'm really honest with what I want, I don't want romantic relationship with him. He's nice, fun etc but no thanks. I however do keep thinking about sex with him. I guess I wouldn't mind getting some of my submissive fantasies fulfilled either. I kind of secretly hope that he would take advantage of my lust to please him. But fantasies are again fantasies. Reality can be cruel especially if (or when) emotions kick in.

I remember I promised myself that I would be more honest with my feeling couple years ago already... promised to take initiative and tell my honest feelings even if it would lead to getting hurt time to time. Should I tell him that just friends with or without sex is what want. Damn its always hard when you sink in that "what he will think about me then" -pit.

Need to get back working...

Hard Two Weeks Ahead

Less you write, harder it gets...

I have started writing couple times but I haven’t got so far that I would have posted. Another try now.

The date back then went pretty ok. I’m not sure how much we are dating or are just “dating”. He’s ok but I’m not much interested in him. But then again I know I may easily develop feelings toward anyone I hang with for longer time.

Last week was hard. Too much stress from university and then some social trouble. I almost felt like collapsing on Thursday. But then things got bit better. I gathered my strength and talked with H and it made me feel whole lot better. On last Saturday I was helping my friend who moved to new house. Long day but not that bad at all. Took over 12 hours and every place still hurts from carrying stuff (even though guys did most of the carrying). But at least I had something social. Lots of chatting all the time too.

Their new house is simply great. I got kind of spark for improving my own flat too. I need more lamps, more artwork etc. I should put a bit more effort into it since I seem to spend loads and loads hours here anyway.

This week will be awful. Next week will be worse. And I am actually afraid how Ill make through it. Last week I was really down – lower than I have been for a while. I feel really uncomfortable thinking next weeks. I don’t want to get those self harming and suicidal thoughts again. Now I feel quite good but knowing what will come makes me nervous. I guess I just have to make sure I start working on each task early enough so that I don’t leave myself impossible amounts of works on last days.
Gotta try to keep writing here also.