Blah

I think I'll turn off my mobile phone and start drinking.

Morning Thoughts

Sometimes I would like to cut myself a bit with a knife... Not to kill myself but just to feel how much it would hurt. To see how blood drips from cut. To feel if that pain would make the pain inside secondary. To feel pain and see clearly what causes it and who is responsible for it.

No Parties

I asked several people to come to party New Year at my place but no one is coming this time. Usually I have held the parties because my apartment is big enough and I have no little kids or anything like that. I had invited 13 people already but no one is coming. No one has asked me to anywhere either... so Ill be alone at home tomorrow. Or spend it with my parents I guess.

Back

Back at home. It was a boring trip. I had time to think… time to think way too much. I just feel bad – every day and night. I think I’m facing again situation where no one contacts me. No one cares to call me or talk with me. When I happen to be in a good mood I’m quite extrovert. I get friends. I take lots of initiatives. Its always me who starts chatting. Its always me calls or emails people. Then when I’m down again, I’m all alone. No one wants to talk or be with me. If I contact people they seem nice and wanting to talk with me but still they never contact me on their own. What is it? Acting? Maybe I just misunderstand their politeness. Maybe its just them being normally nice and polite when someone calls while they really couldn’t care less. Maybe I'm just a weirdo they have to tolerate around. They cant say what they really think about me because they know I'm depressed. They just try to minimize the amount of time they spend with me.

I think about death daily. I think about how I would die. What it would be like? Who would find my body and how would s/he react? What kind of funerals I would have? What people would say about me when I wouldn’t be around anymore? Who all would come to my funeral? Would they cry for real sorrow?

I’m having a minicrush on one girl. Its totally stupid. She has a boyfriend. She lives in another country. We don’t even know each other too well. I just cant help it. I think its just what is meant with idealization. I cant think anything bad about her. She seems like some kind of superhuman. So cute. So friendly. So full of life – like I used to be.

Away From Town

I started thinking why I have often very weird gender-blending dreams but actually I started seeing them after I had a crush on a guy who played female avatar in that mmorpg. No wonder.

Christmas was nice. I played a lot with my cousins daughter who is still less than year old. I got some nice presents - mostly household stuff but couple books and one silver necklace too. Yesterday I was at my parents again as other half of the relatives visited there.

In couple hours I'll be leaving to see some more in other town. So I'll be away from computer a day or two. Prolly does only good for me. Hopefully I get decent night sleeps, relaxing time, and then I can come back to party New Year with new strengths :)

Last Night

Last night was filled with vivid dreams. I really don’t know what should 24 years old girl see dreams about… I tend to see really weird and lucid ones. I don’t remember the first dream of last night– it was nothing special and I forgot it soon after I woke up.

The second dream was quite perverted. I was at some lake and there was lots of people partying. It was almost like an orgy (with lots of sexual tension on air). I don’t know who he was but he clearly was my companion – a dominant sort guy. He gave me a small dildo and told me to go to swim with it. I went and started to masturbate with it in water while there was people all around. For some reason I pushed it in my butt and it felt almost unrealistic good. A girl swam to me and started chatting and I tried to have casual chat while doing things underwater. I couldn’t see him on the beach either. At this point I woke up.

Third dream was all about sex. I was at home with another girl. She had really smooth and silky skin and I just brushed her legs and back with my hand. She warned that she had a surprise I wouldn’t like. She told me that she was a guy actually. I insured him that it was ok – that I don’t mind genders or transgender/transvestite people (so easy to say in a dream – in real life I would have probably freaked out at least a bit). Well he stripped down. He was like a pretty girl in every other way except that she had male genitals. I really wanted to have sex with him and I took his cock in my mouth. At some point another girl appeared there. She joined us and we were having threesome on a sofa. Just before I woke up she was lying on the sofa, I was on her and he was fucking me from behind.

Its wonderful to wake up after such dreams but same time its always a disappointment not to see how they would have ended. Weird thing is that yesterday I did nothing – absolutely nothing – that could have caused these dreams (usually if I read erotic stories or think about sex before going to sleep I see these kind of dreams).

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Thanks for everyone who have read my blog and especially for those who have commented and cared at least a tiniest bit.

Doesn't Feel Like Christmas

Doesn't feel like Christmas at all...

My English teacher sent me an email. She wont let me pass the course until I do some extra work. Just what on earth she thinks? That course ended last week already. Its not fair to tell me to do extra work during holidays. I did everything that was required during the course. She said "you did excellent work during the course... blah blah.. please do this and that... blah blah... merry Christmas!". Its great to wish merry Christmas while ruining it.

It doesn't look like the soc thing in that mmorpg will work at all. I complained yesterday that it seems very unlikely that anything will happen within two weeks. And I was basically told that if I feel like it, I can well leave. Somehow I think they actually would be relieved if I would. I don't think they will necessarily say truth if I ask them whether they want me with or not.

I hit my forehead at kitchen yesterday. Now I have a bloody red scar in middle of it. Nice. At least its Christmas colored.

After Midnight Poem

My second poem...

my face, my mask
hiding, protecting
keeping me safe
radiating smile outwards
dark cell inside
alone
behind false smile
lost in doubt
among shattered mirrors
not knowing myself
not knowing others
seeking for home
always left alone
bleeding in the dark
me
the child inside

Waiting For Christmas

So last exam this year was yesterday. I was (like I guessed before) in some kind of sobbing state whole day after it. Its just the relief after stress. I think I did well this fall when considering my current state. Now its Christmas holidays and I should relax and try to forget things for a while. Though its couple days left (here we celebrate Christmas eve not day) and I haven’t even thought about Christmas presents…

I’m going to my parents on Christmas eve like I go every year. Grandmother will be there and maybe my cousin with her man and daughter. We traditionally just have peaceful evening. I start day at home. I go to sauna and eat rice porridge for lunch. It’s something I had always with my ex boyfriend. Then I’ll walk to my parents house (they live just couple km away). Usually lots of relatives visit shortly to say merry Christmas and have a glass of glögg. Later in evening we sit around table and start eating.

I guess there’s slight culinaristic traits in our family. Usually there’s lots of different fish dishes (raw salted, cold smoked, pickled) and some roe too. The main thing after starters is the ham. Just plain pork ham, roasted in oven and then given mustard/clove coating. With it there perunalaatikko (which is traditional Finnish Christmas dish – its basically smashed potatoes which has been baked so long that the starch turns into sugar and gives round, sweet flavour), lanttulaatikko (oven baked mashed swedes) and porkkanalaatikko (oven baked smashed carrots). Then there’s different pickles and sauce and such. Usually we very traditional and simple main course but very different starters – some years we have got sushi for starters.

After that we usually take a break for a while. Some time after that is coffee and dessert. And after those we usually open presents together. Its become a tradition that no one suggests it until my dad finally loses nerves and asks when we’ll do it :) After presents its just sitting, chatting and such. Peaceful and quiet actually. My grandmother is over 85 year old and she still stays up with us well past the midnight. I usually walk home late night unless its raining or snowing too much.
So that’s what my Christmas is like every year. Could be worse :) I just hope I’ll manage to forget every for one day – it would be a perfect Christmas for me.

Me Versus Phobia

I took about an hour long shower and I though how well my own fear of rejection is actually comparable with acrophobia (the fear of heights). Those with acrophobia usually know extremely well how stupid their fear is. They know that a sightseeing tower, for example, is totally safe. Nothing bad can happen if they climb up there. Still the fear is immense. Sometimes it can be overcome it with sheer will power. Other times it just impossible. But even if they overcome it, they most likely barely can enjoy the view – and they are very likely to experience huge relief when they come back down. Getting rid of phobia can be hard. Though many phobias are based on childhood experiences and can be cured with new, better experiences.

I don’t have phobia but I do often feel wrong in situations with people. That feeling mechanism is really hard to change. It often causes that my mind really rages in social situations. Its really rare that I can totally relax when there’s people around. Rare without alcohol. When drunk I can go long times without any backround thinking. I call it backround thinking when I go through all options in my mind to give people the image I want to give. I really don’t know how it is with other. It does seem to me that they just relax and have idly chatting – that they don’t really think through all they say and that their reactions are really reactions not prethought responses. I usually feel extremely uncomfortable if I’m forced into situation where I cant plan my responses – where I need to react right away. I guess that means I don’t like to be the center of attention but more like stay a bit side (but still visible). Only exception is performing (like having a presentation). There I love to be the center of attention because I have it all planned. I have nothing but best grades from presentations through the school (which is partly because I simply have to give my best effort when so many people are watching).
One long rant again…

Back To Bed

I should be reading for this mornings exam but I just found out that the same exam will be again on January. So I dont think I will bother. I'll be off to bed in a minute :)

One more exam before Cristmas then.

I Hate It When

I hate it when I'm having a great chat and fun with someone and then someone else comes there and the one I'm chatting with doesnt see me at all anymore. There I am then totally outsider and invisible...

Exam, Nap And Shower

Dear Blog,

Its the posting time... heh... seriously I feel better now. I got an exam this morning. I went to bed around 1 am and I woke up 6:30 to read more. I went to the exam and I knew (I think at least) everything in it. After the exam I went to a market and I thought that I can afford buying something good so I bought red jalapenos, mozzarella, cheese snacks, chocolate, avocados, minced lamb - anything that looked good there - and more beer. I guess its going to be a jalapeno-mozzarella-pizza today :)

When I got home I just warmed up some lunch, checked email and such. And then I went to bed for an over hour long nap which I started and ended with an orgasm (there’s no better way to fall in sleep or wake up). Then a hot, long shower, a bit coffee and chocolate. I almost feel like a human being again.

I think I might tell a bit what happened lately in that mmorpg I'm play (you prolly don’t understand this but anyway). The society where I was there is going through changes. Active members want some changes while less active ones are against any. This resulted 2 members leaving and founding a new society on their own as a temporary solution. There almost were a consensus how things should have been changed but those two leaving pretty much ruined it I think.

To top of that I had a misunderstanding with one of the society members. He complained me about "the depressive conversation that ruled everything". I understood that he meant me. I have been quite honest with my moods there. I do feel guilty taking my problems there. I mean people go there to play, to have fun. Its just not fair that they need to put up with someone who periodically cant speak about anything else than suicide. What kind of entertainment and fun is that to listen? So I apologized and left the society too. He assured me that it wasn’t about me at all but that time I was crying already.

So now there is very turbulent situation which really doesn’t help me to relax at all. I suppose something will happen and things get normal again but I’m afraid it will take some time. I still cant make up my mind if I should or shouldn’t quit it. Clearly it does cause stress and I end up getting hurt there every now and then. But so happens in real life too. I’m addicted but I’m addicted to many things in net – to forums, to this blog, to emails – to anything that offers momentary escape from real world. I don’t think quitting would solve anything unless I would leave net totally which is nearly impossible since I need it daily for studying and for letting out everything that goes on in my mind.
So this kind of things this time. I still have lots of things in my mind I want to write about but I need to take a break for a while. I also have 3 erotic fantasies (or lets be honest and call it porn) which I have almost finished. I have a slight problem with them. I like to write in a single session. I just sit down and write it. I think it gives my own (emotional?) writing style. When I read it afterwards I always seem to like less and less it. I get stuck in polishing and fixing as I try to improve and make it better but it just seems getting worse after every change.

Angry

I'm angry.

I feel like boiling inside when I think certain issues and people.

Monday Mumbling

It seems that on Saturday night I sent SMS to my friend and told that I'm not sane - that I have been seeing psychologist and that I have been depressed for long time.

She tried to call me today but I didn't answer phone. I know... I'm a coward.

I'm just really afraid that what happened with my cousin will happen again. Officially everything is ok now. Unofficially we are not too close anymore.

I got multiple exams this week. Right now I should be studying hard. I'm not. I just cant force myself to concentrate. I have tight schedule this winter. There's lots of courses I simply have to pass this time. Dunno... maybe I should really start to think about taking a year off from university. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I having suicidal thoughts but same time I'm worried about exams. When did exams become so important? Still... I'm not keen on dropping the only sensible thing I do currently. Without studies I have little reason to get up from bed.

Cottage Trip

I had a hang over yesterday evening...

I went to my friend's summer cottage on Saturday. We had the usual 'party' there. Basically it involves lots of music and even more drinks. Cottage itself is really small. Just one room with two sofas (that open up to double beds), table and fireplace. Little kitchen like system just before outdoor. There is also small sauna. Maybe 25 square meters room totally :D

Well we went there and put fire in fireplace. It was really cold and dark there. We warmed some red wine and all (there was 5 of us) sat closely around fireplace. Nothing special happened I guess. We played Nightwish as loud as stereos could. We drank lots of beer, bottle of vodka, some wine, whiskey and liquor. We played Texas poker which went to strip poker after we apparently over heated the cabin.

Next morning no one got hang over - honestly we were still drunk when we woke up. Toasts, bacon and eggs for breakfast, some coffee and more Nightwish :D Two of my friends started drinking the remaining booze right after breakfast but I had got well enough already.

Nice trip actually. Nothing special happened but at least one stressless evening :)

Avoiding Studying

Right now I should be studying hard for exams. I should be...

Studying for exams is prolly only thing I haven't done today. Its just not fair to have exams more often than sex :)

I have been thinking one criteria of BPD diagnosis: lack of 'core' identity. Its describes that BPDs don't really have image what they are and what they want to be. I find myself most of time thinking through others. Caricatyrically when normal person looks in mirror she thinks "I look good" - when I look in mirror I often find myself thinking "they (i.e. at parties) will think I look good". Most of what I see in myself goes through what I want others to see in myself. Its all about maximizing acceptance and minimizing rejections. Its a constant mental play where I try to look in best possible way in the eyes of others. With look I don't mean only appearance but everything.

I called myself 'social chameleon' long before I even heard about BPD. I have always been very quick to blend in. I learn manners and slang very fast - or at least start using them. Some people have their original dialect and manners even years after changing to completely new environment. I change mine in matter of hours. I guess its all about fear of being rejected. Which possibly boils down to lack of identity. If I don't who I am - I need to think it through how other people see me. Who they think I am. If other people reject me, they must think that I'm completely bad and worthless :(

Fantasy Update

Two things I have found myself fantasizing lately: big cocks and two men… *blush*

I don’t believe that size matters too much. Or at least I think its more about psychological thing. (I don’t know since all men I have been with have been pretty same sized = average.) But the idea of a very sized cock - with well defined round head, couple large veins running whole length, curved and standing pointing a bit upwards, rock hard – is definitely a turn on. Funny thing is that in sex education at school they taught that women do not get turned on or enjoy seeing nude men or cocks or sex acts etc. I’m glad I have always thought myself instead of just taking what others say as a fact.

Back to cocks. That kind of cock… preferably maybe even a bit too big. So that it would make me feel unsure and uncomfortable. Cock that would be kind of overpowering and dominating. Huh… this turned into fallos worshipping LOL

About two men. I have never actually thought it much before. I’m a kind of suspicious how well threesomes can go. That one experience I have was with married couple and it was really unordinary. People always have different requirements for persons they have sex with. I could have sex with someone I’m not in love with. But I do require that something matches. There must be a some kind of connection. With threesome it would require connections between three people. If its hard to find one person with who you would have that connection, how hard it is to find two persons who would have that connection with each other too? A married couple is a kind of easy choice for threesome because they supposedly do have that connection already. Then its all about how well you fit with both of them. So what I should try to find? A bi guy couple?

Did I just wander a bit off topic again? Hmm… it was prolly the jacuzzi, two men at bar and loneliness that made me fantasize about it. I have such a dirty mind that I have hard time not imaging having sex with every one I meet. It just could be nice to have two masculine bodies around me, pressed against mine…

Blogger

I think since I changed my blog style my post count or recent posts (in profile and dashboard) havent changed at all...

Should I change my blog host? I just picked first free blog host I found with google without even finding out if its good or not.

Back

I thought they would have given me a normal hotel room at the spa... instead they gave me a 2 store apartment. It had kitchen, living room, sauna and at upstairs there were a double bed and a jacuzzi. All I could say was ‘wow!’.

It was kind of waste to be there alone though. It would have been perfect place for a steamy date. But better maybe alone than with just somebody. At least I got little time for myself and for relaxing. At the pool area there was more jacuzzis, mineral bath, massaging water jets and all such.

I prolly spent nearly three hours at the pool section. Then I went to eat. The restaurant there was really expensive. But I decided that I could afford it because I wasn’t paying anything for the night. After it I stayed in bar for couple drinks. I got immediately company from a middle aged woman who was there alone too. She was really annoying case. I have no idea what she talked about – I didn’t really listen. Text just came from her mouth non-stop. Good thing she left after a while (possibly because I showed no interest at all listening her). Bar was quite cosy and there was enough general chat so that I didn’t actually feel like being there alone. I met two guys there too. Nice guys actually. But I didn’t drag them to my room (which I actually regretted later).

Well... after couple drinks I returned to my room. I put some music on and filled jacuzzi. Rest of the evening I just spend sitting in jacuzzi, listening music and drinking Spanish cava. Could have been worse – but definitely it would be a place to go with someone you like. Now it felt a bit sad being there alone.

On morning I woke up early and I went to swim before breakfast. Then after breakfast I got a full body massage. So it was a really luxurious night there. And it all cost me something like 40 euros. I want back there already :)

Morning

I edited a bit the post I wrote last night...

I dont know if I feel much better. Of course I have calmed down now. I guess only way is up again. I have all the exams coming following weeks so I just cant collapse now. I have missed two last exams because of my depression in couple courses already. Soon I am forced to retake whole courses again and it would postpone my graduation with a year or more. On other hand I'm not sure if I want to even think how I would do in full time work. With work I couldnt just skip a week because of depression...

fffgds

Now I'm really down... I feel really ill. I have troubles breathing and feel like someone had put my chest on screwbench... I have cried a lot and thrown up twice. I just hate it when people hurt me and they don't even notice what they did and I cant say it... I get hurt from so little things that it wouldn't make sense to other people... especially as the thing that triggers it isn't prolly the actual reason... I drank rest of brandy I got. Hopefully I'm better tomorrow. Cant stand this. Why did this have to happen right now - this weekend? I'll go to the spa alone. I don't want to take anyone with. I just wish people would understand how badly they hurt me.

Uneasy Mood

I'm in a really uneasy and depressed mood again :(

Its like I would wait someone to perform a miracle and cheer me up just like that. But I know that wont happen and I need to do all miracles myself..

Coffee Break

Project meeting done. Flash works done. Everything has gone fine and I'm just waiting for the customer meeting. After that the date and later some sports.

I guess I should be in good mood but I just restless. I hate to admit it but I got that stupid "everyone hate me" feeling hauting me again. Someone who was supposed to didn't call me, I didn't get some emails I expected to get and so on. That's enough to ruin my day... I was really surprised when I read the borderline description about fear of rejection and abandonment. "Just like I am" - was my first thought.

Here's little quoting of things that explain a lot of me:
Many BPs (bordelines), although loaded with talents and positive qualities, fail to see anything good or positive about themselves. This means I can't understand why anybody would spend time with me and I sense abandonment and rejection at every possible opportunity. The feeling that someone will leave me thereby stealing part of who I am and confirming all my fears about my deep deep unloveability is one of the worst and most terrifying feelings in the world. 'Normies' feel that too to some extent, however their rejection/abandonment triggers aren't quite so sensitive and difficult to appease.

Really small things can make me think that someone is trying to leave me or has had enough of me. These can be things from not laughing at a joke, not smiling, not phoning me as arranged, to outright telling me to piss off and so on. However, trying to reassure a BP is like shovelling snow in a blizzard. Often the more you tell a BP you like/love them, the less they'll believe you. I get to the point where I think people are 'just saying it' and my whole original negative-thinking battle ends up being reinforced rather than dissipated.

The 'frantic efforts' can involve a range of behaviours and feelings, often starting with:
'hyper vigilance' - seeking out any possible clue, however tiny, that someone is going to leave (abandon) or be rejecting. If you know someone with BPD then you might realise they have an uncanny ability to read non-verbal cues such as body language, tone of voice and facial expression to gauge someone else's mood. But for someone with BPD all roads tend to lead inwards and anger (or any other negative emotion) in another is automatically anger at the borderline. If it's not my fault it's there (which takes some convincing), then I must only be making it worse. And if it's my fault...then...OH MY GOD...they're going to leave...leave me on my own because I've upset them, I've made them feel worse. That's it, they're going......How can I stop them?

normal things - asking people what's wrong, ignoring my troubles in favour of theirs, trying always to be nice to people and never upset people, never letting people know if they've hurt or upset me etc. But it's not working, they're still going...

So sad and so stupid. I always realize it happening. I know it - I can usually well point out "now I'm feeling wrong". I can fight it. Fighting has two outcomes. First is that I become distant - when reacting too strongly its easier not to reach at all. I become cold and distant. Second, I get exhausted. Its really consuming to override what you feel and "act" outwards what you would be supposed feel. Latter is what I usually do irl. That's why I get so exhausted when I have met people. When it goes on long enough I just cant keep it up and I finally break down.

I gotta stop now. I cant start crying before customer meeting.

Edited: some spelling and italic style

Another Thursday

This Thursday like every single one lately is going to be busy again. I got meetings and demos and such. But there's lots of positive things this time. I dont feel even half as stressed as last week. The project goes officially to xmas break and my Flash course halts for rest of the year too. So two very stressing things will go away today.

And thats not all. I got a date today. Well maybe a "date". Dunno how it turns out. I was wondering who I would take with to the spa when he (I'll continue my style and call him K) came online in ICQ. I have known him somehow for a year but we havent been in that much contact lately. We have met long time ago but that time we werent friends yet. So I just send him a line "would you have a date with me?" :)

So we are actually going to a Mexican restaurant for dinner and have chat and such. Its not going to be a long date since I got badmington later in the evening. Actually I find it nice to have first date as casual as possible and quite short. In movies dates are usually shown as hours long and romantic ones... to have a that kind of date you would prolly need to know your date quite well. I can imagine the pain to have a long and overdone "romantic" date with someone who you dont, in the end, like at all.

Actually thinking about dating. In Finland the dating culture prolly didnt exist at all before American movies. I dunno how much it exists today either. I guess we prefer more meeting people in parties and such. Hmm.. why am I actually babbling over this? I'm not a pro in this issue anyway. My social life has been close to dead for some while...

Argh!

I think I just hate Flash >:(

Fantasy List

I guess I spent too long in bed before getting up since I thought all this :)

Some things I want to experience in sex... First of all I want to prolong my sweet orgasm denial habit (I like to bring myself to the edge and then back off) to several days, weeks or perhaps even couple months. Chastity belt might be nice add to it even if I would hold the key myself. Another thing is related to this one. I want so hard and violent orgasm that I pass out. It has happened once (after hours long arousal). I wouldn't mind experiencing it again.

Also I would like to get an anal orgasm. I know its kind of stupid to categorize orgasms that way (was it Freud who started this?). I have never got orgasm from vaginal stimulation only - if I get it during intercourse its because there's clitoral stimulation too. But still, anal stimulation has felt couple times so good that I almost might have got orgasm. (Much more often it haven't felt good at all.)

Huh... kind of orgasm focused? Well I would list orgasm denial as my fetish or kink. I have went through many speculations why. Is it because I don't orgasm easily and its easier to develop pleasure from not getting it than having a stress of trying to get it? Or is it just a form of self control. My masturbation sometimes has compulsive traits. My orgasm controlling sometimes reminds self hurting or anorectic disorders of depressed (its all about controlling something you can when some issues are out of control).

I got off topic now.

Last thing (currently at least) is to have sex in medieval/gothic environment. Castle, dungeon or something like that. I have no idea where I got thing for that suddenly - I just got :)

So that's the analysis of this mornings thinking. Sex instead of mental issues this time :)

Reading again this seems kinky and weird but actually I do fantasize about sweet, romantic things too :)