Crushing

I'm so hoping that it rains tomorrow so that I wouldnt need to go to play tennis...

I'm feeling really awful. I have difficulties in sitting 8 hours at work without starting to cry and trying to look even somewhat content and normal. M already asked why I'm all the time so busy that I dont have time to meet her. In reality I'm not busy I'm just avoiding her.

She already wondered if I got more hurt last time than I showed... She used a dildo on me anally and it just felt uncomfortable and burned. We had all the lube and everything needed but it just didnt work. Since dildo didnt really work she switched to fingers and they were even worse. I felt really disappointed because it didnt feel good and I just was in mood for her to be rough on me... I wanted her to kind of just take me. Well it was rough and it didnt work like sometime before. It burned quite a lot and I was bleeding a bit after it.

It was disappointing thing. Once earlier she used a dildo to my butt until my legs gave away and it was pretty amazing and intense experience. I really wanted to have same this time too.

But its not the reason why Im anxious or why Im avoiding her... I just feel anxious. I have cried so much this week already. Its really crushing now. And paralyzing... I didnt do anything at work today. Most of day I just surfed in net without really getting interested in anything.

I need to get something to this... I would normally take alcohol to just cheer up a bit but Im still so ashamed of Saturday that I dont feel like taking anything at all.

Feels like Im lost in all this again.

Today Sucks

Today sucks. I feel anxious and everything goes wrong.

I tried to paint a bit but cant seem to do it either... Expressing yourself is supposed to help but at least I cant seem to do it unless Im in good mood enough. I just frustrated when nothing seems to work and what appears into canvas doesnt match what I see in mind.

What I seem to be able to do when anxious is writing. I write like in fever. But I never seem to be able to write anything correctly first time. I make way too many writing errors. When agitated I write almost every word wrong. Need to read everything again and then again and correct spelling errors and language. Think how it looks like and so on. Wonder if it adds or reduces stress...

Left work early today because I felt I would have either started crying there or get panic attack.
Came home and I cried more or less 3 hours in row.

Im calmed down now but still feeling more or less down... :(

Tuska Festival

Haven't written since Tuesday again...

I have been writing in one mental health forum lately and it seems I write my daily things there more and more often. It feels quite pretentious to write same things here too.

I have been now two days in Tuska Open Air Heavy Metal Festival. Weather has been really great - sun shines from clear sky. Atmosphere is great too. And I kind of love the people who go there. Lots of diversity. Goths, neongoths (or whatever - those who are a bit goth stylish but use lots of colors) and so on. Corsets, see-through shirts, a lot of leather and metal and so on. Guys in skirts... a girl having her boyfriend in leash...

I have to admit that I got a thing for gothic style girls. And guys too - especially when they look a bit androgynous. Actually I'm having hard time not to stare every good looking person there. Though in my experience heterogirls rarely mind getting some attention from girls, so I guess it doesn't matter much.

Yesterday I just drank too much :(

I don't know how it happened again. I don't have that clear idea how the end of the evening went. I missed last bands because of that. But I stayed away from my friends because of that. I didn't want them to know I was so drunk. I guess I mostly feel ashamed of it. I just send them a message that I was hanging out with someone else and that I would catch them later. In reality I just stand alone trying to fight back feeling nauseous.

And I didn't catch them later. I just came straight home alone. And I threw up near subway station.

Today Tuska continues. My friends will ask where I went yesterday and I'll just lie them that I hanged with someone else and was tired and went home right away or such...

I'm 25 years old. I shouldn't have problem in drinking too much. I shouldn't have problem in admitting it when I have drank too much... I just cant get over thinking what they think about me if they would know.

It's a kind of sad sight...25 years old woman throwing up like a pitiful teenager...

Talked with Cousin Again

Life really sucks at the moment. I dont even know why...

I just went long way backwards in my depression. I just feel anxious and its crushing again. I get chest pains and breathing troubles all the time.

And it paralyzes. I have hard time doing anything.

I talked with my cousin yesterday night. I told her exactly how I feel and how I think. This time I just forced my point through. Again I did hear how I have been doing everything wrong and how I hurt others all the time and so on.

I know this sounds bad... but she has a tendency of not understanding at all, getting offended and blaming you about it same time.

Well maybe it now goes differently. I honestly dont know. At one point she said something like "we dont need to stay in contact anymore". I dont know if she ment it. I just hope that she finally understands how serious I am and hurt I feel.

I cried pretty much whole night.

Now Im at work, tired and without any motivation to do any work.

I just forced myself to start writing this. I havent written much in blog recently. Or at least not so much what really goes on inside me. I have to stop now though. I dont want to start crying at work.

Anxious At Work

I don't feel like working at all. This day will be pure pain to sit here... I feel anxious. Again with chest pain and breathing troubles.

Yesterday evening I was really down. I didn't really do anything at all. I just sit and stared or cried.

I visited my friends on Saturday and we just sit down and ate and chatted and so on. Should have been nice. Its partly what I have just hoped to get. But somehow I didn't feel good. I just felt so lonely even though I was sitting there with others.

Weekend

Quite a bit of things have happened during weekend. I feel bit better now but still the anxiousity feels deep down there.

I met M on Friday. We just met in a bar, chatted a bit, and then we went to her place. First we made love... Something I could really call "making love". It was sweet and soft. And after that there was some more perverse things.

I came home totally relaxed.

Yesterday I was at parties... Or maybe "parties". Just eating and spending time with my friends. Nice and relaxed time.

I haven't sit much at computer this weekend. Maybe a good thing. I'll try to tell some details next week. :)

Still Anxious

Last night went in crying...

I was playing tennis first and then in bar my friends. Couple beers, chatting and so on - I had really good time in general. When I got home I talked with H first time for couple weeks (as she has been away). I had opportunity to tell her that I have missed her.

Later I talked with N too. I don’t know why but I just felt anxious. I got impression that she had something else to do or just wasn’t too eager to talk with me. I asked if she was busy. She said she wasn’t. I asked if I was bothering her. She said I wasn’t at all.

It still didn’t help my mood... I guess I feel ashamed. I just don’t feel right or react right...

My mind makes the world an awful place.

Anxious

I just feel anxious again. Dunno why.

It's awful to sit here at work now...

Monday And Work Again

Back at work once again...

Weekend was pretty nice. I didn't sit as much in front of computer as I sometimes tend to.

I cleaned up a lot. And I replanned my apartment interiors totally. I'm going to get some new furniture and maybe sell some old ones. I'm going to go through my clothes and give some clothes I don't use to charity and then maybe see what I would really need.

Having been a student for long time has really hurt my wardrobe.

I met M yesterday. She came to visit me and we spent hours naked in bed - cuddling. That's right cuddling. Scary actually. Might think we are lovers or something. It was sweet. And pretty much just what I needed.

Do I just imagine or has M changed?

Or have I just changed so much that M seems different now?

Hmm... I guess it's stupid to question anymore if we are together or such. We are. We are very intimately together now.

So I have a lover. Someone who is capable of being rough or soft and sweet. What next? Is this what it is or will it develop to something more?
Will we get into walking hand in hand at beach or such? Or is this only about having sweet intimate moments now and then - and then returning to "own" life.

Earlier I have been writing how I feel cant handle any fuckbuddy systems and now I actually feel I couldn't live again without one. Or maybe it's the cuddling I cant live without. Though it isn't really wonder. I mean I have been so alone lately.

I feel good when I'm with her. And being honest I'm waiting to see her again. :)