Spa Problem

I got a free night at a spa for two persons next weekend. I have absolutely no idea who to take with. Or should I go alone?

I'm not really interested taking someone who is just a friend. But on other hand I cant really come up with anyone who would be more 'romantic' company. And with one room taking complete stranger would be quite a gambling.

Doh. How did this become so difficult again... :S

Girl Spotting

This particular comic could be straight from my life. I dunno how many times I have heard that "I'm a lesbian in a man's body" -line. Actually I have no idea what guys really mean with it. I guess its some kind of statement that they are more straight than straight. Or maybe its meant to be a compliment to a girl for liking girls. "Lesbian in a man's body" makes me always think about that the guy would be even somehow feminine but that just doesn't seem to be the case.

Anyway this comic kind of thing just always seem to happen. I get shown pictures of silicone blondes who have lots of make up and really long (fake) finger nails and, of course, ridiculously high heels. Couldn't be bigger turn off :D

Same goes with porn. For example once I said one guy that I do like certain kind of porn. Next he sends me some "good" porn pics - which were pure close ups showing nothing but genitals. Uh. Well what kind of porn I like then? I wonder what words could describe it. At least no keywords usable in search engines works. I want to see faces. I want to see expressions, emotions. And I have to like the faces shown. What makes some face such that I like it? No idea.

I have to comment before some guy does that some guys do have surprisingly different taste for girls. Not all of them like silicone blondes. Hurray for that diversity!

Sunday Thoughts

It was fun. I was home somewhere around 3 a.m. :)

On Saturday I was exhausted. Partly it was because of a hang over – party exhaustion from being with people. Actually only things I did yesterday was walking to McDonalds and writing couple articles in English. Then I guess just I slept and watched TV from bed.

Today has been kind of better and worse. I wrote required documentation for the project. And then I logged in PE. I really cant explain properly what is going on there. Its just that the atmosphere in my soc there is tense. For me it means stress – huge stress. I have absolutely no fun there last days – I cant relax or feel comfortable. I told them today that I’m thinking about leaving the society. I’m not really sure what they think about that announcement. It just would be really hard. I’m sobbing already thinking about it. I guess deep inside I know that leaving my soc is a start for quitting PE totally.

I thought my ex boyfriend today. Or not actually him but our relationship. As a conclusion I feel like I’m unable to love. I do fall in love. I get huge crushes. But really loving someone – can I do that? I usually felt so outsider in that relationship. I mean I really didn’t feel like being there. I didn’t really feel like loving – I always ended up convincing myself that I do though. Still when something happened my emotional response went off the scale.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a time bomb. Some day I’ll just go off. I’m not sure if I will hurt myself or others when I do.

Family Party

Best thing in yesterday is that its over. I did 11 hours for the project and 3 hours for animation course. I spend 2 hours in subway and buses... No wonder I was tired this morning. I somehow thought that weekend would be relaxing but now I realized that I need to do a lot of documenting during it. Good thing that in the project there will be soon a break which lasts over new year. Bad thing is that there is a lot of exams during that break. But those exams may be the last ones. After them I get right to start graduation work. And after that I'll get my master degree. And then... I need to go to work... :S

Tonight there's family party. Long tradition actually. We get a private cabinet and everyone are free to take own friends with. Usually we got 3 generations and about 30 persons all together. Its a really nice party. We usually get special treatment from restaurant owners. The restaurant where we have usually been has a cellar cabinet with own bar. We have usually got whole cellar section for ourselves. I'm quite excited actually :)

So this time I'm feeling good. Should be like this more often :)

Thursday Night Quickie

Just a short post before going to bed...

Thanks for everyone who have commented. It does make difference to me when someone leaves a comment. I really mean it. I think we all want to get acceptance, find similar souls and be heard. So far a blog seems to be a comfortable way to get a bit of them.

I have been really busy and tired and I haven't written even half of the posts I would have wanted to. I also got a pile of emails to answer... I hate it when I delay answering and then it gets harder and harder all the time to answer at all. Tomorrow I got one busy day again. Last week I needed to do a flash animation - this week I need to add sounds to it. Should be a lot easier now. Meetings, meetings and meetings. But end of this semester is almost in sight - I feel a lot less desperate now :)

Monday Bloody Monday

Thursday was busy. I dunno how it went... I got everything done somehow so I guess it was ok. On friday I pretty much just slept. I tried to relax and forget everything. On Saturday I visited my friend who had a kind of parties. It was nice. I should spend more time with people without net between. I came home quite early though. And Sunday... well... I got no idea where it went. I was busy with English course and later in evening TV showed Fellowship of the Rings. I just kind of hate films. They always got sad or emotional scenes and I always cry. I liked the film quite much though. Its just that nowadays I'm always sobbing when I try to watch films. Its quite embarrassing at cinema.

This week is going to be a busy one (again). I'll try to write more here though. I spoke with A in ICQ on Saturday. Its been really long time since I spoke with her. We used to talk so often. I dunno really why it ended. I guess I pushed her away. Or she took distance. Same old problem again. When ever I let people close, they soon start to take distance.

Now I just feel void. I'm sitting in computer class room but I feel like completely outsider. I feel like I would be watching myself from outside. I just move my body to do the work that needs to be done but not really there. My mind just drifts.

Part of my favorite poem at netpoets.com:
On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped & twisted
-Warped & Twisted by Skittles

Horrible Tomorrow

Stress, stress and stress.

Yesterday I was whole day at university because of one project work. Close to 9 hours I think. Not too bad. I was today too. But bus drivers are on a strike now and it takes me over an hour to get there. So I was 11 hours away from home. I know all working people says that's not anything special either... maybe its not but that's only one course. Then there's all those other course which need attention. I wonder when I get a decent night sleep again.

This night I need to make a flash animation. Nothing too fancy is required but I haven't ever even used flash. So I guess I really try to see how crappy work will get accepted tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the horrible day. I need to wake up really early to get in time to a meeting on morning. After that I'm busy with the project work. At some point I hope I'll get some lunch and after that I got an appointment with psychologist. Right after that I need to demonstrate my animation at university. And day is not over after that either - I got one design meeting right after and badmington a bit later. I feel like crying already when I think about the schedule. I don't think I should have agreed to have everything tomorrow... especially as I have been in a very upset (cant figure better word) mood after psychologist appointments.

Somehow I got a horrible feeling that everything is not going to go well tomorrow. What if I just collapse? What if I start crying at some point? What if I screw up something? I got those same people I need to work with all the time until next spring. And just now we have some critical issues and I just shouldn't fail.

I logged in PE and felt just as lonely there as I am in real life. Time to quit?

Memories: Violence

I'm going to try writing about this...

Years ago I was in a party. I was there alone since it was my friend's friend's friend's party... I dunno why I actually went there after my friend cancelled her coming. I didn't really know anyone and I was really bored. I think I drank maybe a bit too fast and too much. At one point I got a guy shouting angrily at me in the kitchen. Next thing I knew was that he hit me on face. I fell backwards against closet door and got another hit on stomach. Then I went senseless.

Next thing I remember was half sitting on floor and leaning on sofa. Someone held something cold on my right eye. I was told that he had attacked me because I had poured a drink from wrong bottle(!!).

I somehow got home that night - cant recall really how. Next day I looked really awful with the bruise on my face. My right eye swell so that I almost couldnt see with it. I had some bruises on my body too. I didn't go out from my flat for a week after that. And I never told anyone about it. I somehow thought that I would be perfectly ok as soon as bruises would disappear and no one would notice what had happened. For somewhile it really worked that way. I cant really explain why I hid it. Now its still a really disturbing memory.

Another act of violence that never ended up into official records... :(

Stomach And Stress

”You should stop drinking”

…

Do I have a problem with alcohol? I don’t think so. Yes I do drink a lot time to time. I drink to get drunk quite often. And I do drink to forget and improve my mood. But on other hand I almost never drink so much that I would lose control. I never do anything that I would regret later. And I never forget what I did when drunk. But I do drink at least something alcoholic probably 6 days a week…

The reason why I’m going this through is that my stomach is really hurting again. I hope there’s no bigger problem.

My soc mates in PE have started to put pressure on me to get me on team speak (~some program for voice chatting). I’m not keen at all. The reason I love PE is that I can keep people at right distance. They can be friends but they are not too close to you. Somehow for me it seems that voice chatting would be one step closer. After it I would have much harder being the real myself. Problem in it is that if I refuse they are going to think that I’m a guy faking to be a girl. So I guess I just have to buy microphone and at least say ‘hi’ once – hopefully I can stop using it later.

I hate it when people demand or expect me to do things. I kind of paralyse from the stress. I cant really explain it. Even smallest thing I’m expected to do seems impossible task. I just feel like running away and hiding when someone requires me to do something…
After thinking and writing this all I feel less sane again… :(

Weekend

I got some real life on Saturday (hurray!) as I went to my friends parties. It was actually really nice. Just quite casual sitting, drinking, eating, chatting… I met some people I have met almost a year ago last time (makes me wonder if I really should spend less time at the computer). We continued to a bar and I guess I drank a bit too much (why on earth they make beers with over 9% alcohol?). I almost felt like throwing up so I left home a bit early maybe. I actually walked all the way home in that freezing weather. At home I just drank a glass of water and then fell into bed and asleep.

On Sunday morning I had I major hangover. I was shaking and feeling really weak but it went away with 2 hours long walk at the beach. Sun was shining and it was very beautiful there. I just wish I would win in lottery… then I could get a house next to the beach with nice sea view.

Hmm... returning a bit to that party… I noticed I kind of hoped that there would be some nice single guy. Well there wasn’t. But its good to notice that I’m missing some action in that sector too. Lately I have mostly felt like being alone. I guess it must be a sign of getting better if I would love to have some company again.

Now I’d better start studying again – this week is going to be awfully busy.

More Bisexuality

Some things I thought after writing that last post... I don’t really find all butchy lesbians attractive. I like it when a person has openly feminine and masculine side. I guess the thing I’m looking for is androgyny.

I came out of the closet a bit over year ago. After that I have gotten myself into arguments about it. Some people think its great that I have told about it to my parents and friends – some think its somehow bad to ‘manifest’ sexuality (as they think that heteros don’t do it). Its kind of funny that if a hetero guy drools after a girl, its not considered as manifesting heterosexuality, but if I do that people around seem to think ‘why does she keep advertising her bisexuality’.

About that “coming out of the closet” - my family and friends are quite open-minded. It wasn’t that dramatic as it sounds. I was a bit scared to say it though. With friends I just said that I’m interested in girls too in a party and everyone just looked at me with kind of “So what?” –look in their faces. Its sometimes funny to notice how differently they take it. I need to time to time remind some of them that I still like boys too – and some that I seriously like girls. Telling parents was a bit more awkward. Sex is pretty common thing to chat and joke in parties with friends but it almost never comes up when talking with parents. It felt really hard to just start talking about it after talking about completely different things. I noted them that I might have a girlfriend instead of boyfriend in future. They did give me some surprised stares but said its ok as long as I take her with to all family things (we use to have big family meetings/parties where every one takes their partners and closest friends).

Now I don’t want to sound too brave – like I said they are open-minded. My god-father is a gay. He has been long time and still stayed as a close family friend. I knew already that my parents do accept homosexuality. So thinking about it afterwards coming out didn’t really seem a big thing to do. However if you have read through the blog you already prolly have noticed that what others think about me is the most important thing for me. Some things like this can be extremely hard in advance because of my own fears and paranoidia. Afterwards I usually notice that it was nothing.

Bisexuality

I am bisexual. Or maybe I should start using word pansexual… what it means to me is that I’m pretty much without gender preference. I have met attractive, sexy, lovable men and women. I see those attributes more as a part of personality than as a part of gender. At least I would like to think that I can take every person as a person – as an individual – not as a representative of gender. Of course its pretty idealistic to think that way. Stereotypes don’t come from nothing. Men and women (and groups inside them) do tend to have common traits. Its not purely false to say that “men are like this” or that “butch lesbians are like this”. Still I want to believe in individuals and try to keep my mind open for meeting new people.

Bisexuality is maybe the most misunderstood sexuality (I’m sure every diversity group says this). Especially bisexual girls are easily seen as “wannabes” who just try to be cool and act like they do in movies and commercials. There’s amazing amount of girl-girl bisexual flirting and hinting around us nowadays. I kind of feel uncomfortable calling such flirting bisexual. I mean hetero guys do flirt in same way – so that both understand perfectly well that its all about joking. What I have observed my friends, their flirting is joking and kind of giving attention and receiving it. Kind of preparation and training maybe. They don’t really think it as an option for flirting with a guy. Maybe that makes it sometimes so cute – they don’t have anything in stake, no motivation behind, no real fear or rejection. Its easy to flirt when it follows well known script (as it usually does with close friends). They don’t btw flirt much with me. They know that I’m bi and prolly don’t want to suggest things that I might take as something else than joke. (They do like to hug and even kiss on lips with me though :)

Then there are those curious women. I understood curiosity well. I don’t see why not to try something that doesn’t hurt anyone if you are interested to know how it would be. Bad thing with curiosity is that usually those curious girls seem to be in relationship with a guy (who is extremely interested in seeing his girlfriend with another girl) – makes me wonder how much those girls want to please themselves and how much their boyfriends. Still threesome is ok. A bit sad trait seems to be that sometimes it feels that those girls introduce themselves as single and just later suggest taking a guy with… maybe I have just seen bad examples.

Then there is those with strong gender preference. Some just can have sex with either sex but prefer one over another in long term relationship. Nothing wrong in that either. Maybe they are the real bisexuals. Maybe us, who don’t really care what gender the other is, should be called pansexual. How to make difference if you just like men and women but not transgender people or transvestites or whateverpeople there is :)

Did I just take my mumbling to real long off topic? Heh… well I’m totally lost with any preferences. I know that I tend to like people who are not generally noted to have best looks. Just normal cute people you meet every day. I like a bit boyish looking girls. Sometimes goths are really droolable. I like clean, fit traditional men. I like a bit gayish and unique looking guys. I like really weirdo girls (with blue hair and face pierced throughout). And so on. I know… I know… I prolly have identity crisis and chronic loneliness which makes me like about every single person I meet. I don’t kind of complain. I have met interesting, unique people.

Coffee Break

I just remembered that I haven’t written here anything for couple days. I have been just really tired. I didn’t get as drunk on Friday as I would have wanted to. I didn’t get drunk on Saturday either. I getting old…

Nothing much happened this week. Studying, studying and again studying. I feel like I could sleep over 12 hours per day. Lack of fresh air and sports I guess. I chatted long time with my friend on msn messenger. I haven’t talked or seen her for ages. Made me nostalgically remember moments when I used net mostly to stay in contact with friends I knew also from real life. And here I am now babbling things to unknown people :)

I got sudden arts rush. I have been drawing a bit and I finally bought some canvas panels. I have had acryl colors for some while already but haven’t got anything done yet.

Oh yes… I found a great comic: Liliane Bi-Dyke @ http://liliane.keenspace.com/. I read all comics there through in couple sessions. I found myself nodding and giggling while reading. Maybe something that touches just me – not sure how much average “normal” person would like them :)

A Lyric Translated

Radio just played this...

Night's parties;
boring and beautiful;
music plays lazily.

Look at me now;
kiss me;
tell me beautifull lies.

City is;
a desert;
to walk alone.

Only this night;
I comfort you;
love you untill you're bruised.
(part of 'Valon kantaja' by Tehosekoitin)

Meeting

I had a meeting with the company today. Two and a half hours. They were pretty angry about the low quality of the work I had done but decided not to use sanction rule. I don’t think I have understood it yet. They wont reduce my payment at all so I don’t need to worry that much about money. I guess I should feel happy now but I’m actually trying to hold back tears. Maybe it’s the relief. I again put everything I had to that meeting. Its always when I come back home after meeting some people I feel really exhausted. Its like I could finally relax and stop acting. I could finally stop pretending that I’m more and better than I am.

I went to shopping after that meeting but I had absolute no interest to be in shops. Finally I decided only to buy a tuna fish steak for evening. I think I can now afford to spend couple euros celebrating that I didn’t lose thousands.

But its not totally over yet. They wanted me to do some changes to the texts during weekend. Of course I promised anything they wanted. Now it seems that I cant relax much. In addition to those I got a software project and English course to think about during weekend. Just when do I get some rest? Hopefully next Monday the whole freelancing job issue is over and I can finally push it away from my mind. I think I have been blessed with a great ability to forget bad things – I don’t remember half of my life. Maybe it’s the reason why I got so wild imagination. Something needs to fill up the void in my brains.

Tonight I’m going to get absolutely drunk. I somehow wish I would have courage to go bars but someone I think I may just sit home at the computer and drink. Need a social life too some day.

Damn Me

Damn me. I got a project meeting this morning and I have one later again. Now I have couple hours spare time which I planned to use for brushing up some things in my work (I could still return them before going to the company tomorrow). But of course I forgot all work material home :S Good work rakastuja!

I started writing about suicide and self-harming thoughts but I abandoned that idea. Maybe later. I just couldn't get it right and understandable so better try another time.

I needed to cancel psychologist time this week. Hopefully I have time for it next week. I came up with another use for this blog - I can print parts of my writing to show to psychologist. Sometimes thoughts become clearer when you write them alone instead of feeling someone staring at you all the time.

Memories: Cousin Calls

Some time ago I was playing PE when my cousin called me. I had just been about as down as a person can be. I had cheered up enough to talk with people again and I was having couple drinks and relaxing. So she called me, I answered and we started to chat. I was actually quite happy with her calling me. She asked me how I am (she didn’t know about my depression) and for some reason I told her truth. I told her that I had been depressed for long time. She went silent for a moment and then started asking things. I got scared with myself already by telling her about the depression at all. What people think about me is very important for me - what someone I love thinks about me, is the most important thing. And there I was telling my closest friend some shocking things. I was so afraid I felt I could faint. But I kept telling her the truth. Telling her that I had been depressed long time, that I didn’t tell it to anyone, that I almost had cut my wrists earlier (not to kill myself but to harm and for the pain), that I was pretty screwed with my studies and so on...

She went mad. She started shouting me in phone. I was in total shock. The person who I thought to be first one I could tell got furious when I told. No empathy, no comforting words - just anger for 'me treating her wrong because I didn’t tell earlier'. I was really hurt. I tried to explain but I don’t think she understood or listened at all. She threated to call my mother and tell her. I absolutely forbid her to do that. It was almost like worst nightmare – she would call my mother, who probably call me same minute and probably be just as angry as my cousin. And every one would know it soon. And everyone would be hurt and angry for me. I told my cousin that I would kill myself if she tells. Then I hung up and closed my mobile phone. I was really shocked. I went back to computer but I had hard time thinking anything. My hands were shaking I felt my fingers freezing. It took me several hours to start crying. I cried all night and started crying again when I woke up next morning.

I was really lost with what to do. I didn’t have anyone to talk with… I just sat on sofa and thought about different options. I thought how could I explain that I was lying about the depression or something… something that would restore things back. All the time I was afraid to hear someone ringing door bell – I still got my mobile phone closed.

Some time later – cant remember if it was same day or next – I wrote an email to my cousin, trying to explain things again. I tried to explain that I had wanted to tell her but I couldn’t. That their opinion about me counted a lot – too much to be risked. I got answer from her which promised not to tell my mother and suggested that I would get some professional help. But the tone of ‘close friend’ was missing. I don’t think we are really friends anymore. And I’m pretty clueless how could I explain things to her… on the other hand I’m not sure if she wants depressed me to be her friend… we haven’t talked much since. Just couple lines when meeting somewhere. I hope that after seeing psychologist and possibly getting into some kind of therapy friendship could be rebuilt… dunno… :(

*cries*

New Look

I tinkered long time with HTML and got this look. Maybe not even near perfect but I like more than that original Minima Black Template. I guess I learned quite a lot about HTML while doing it :D

Memories

I have decided to start writing things that trouble me. This will prolly mean that lots of old stuff will come soon... sorry.

I submitted this blog to several linker pages. Lets see if there will be more hits on this page. Why do I need those hits? No idea. I guess it would feel more worth of it to write if I would know that someone reads this.

First Story Ready

Soo... today... I woke up with some dirty thoughts. I saw a dream about anal sex. I thought about it all morning and finally decided to write it to a story. It took a singe session and length was nearly 1500 words. Quite a squeeze of writing :)

I could now post it to Literotica but it seems I'm hesitating now. I really didn't plan my first story to be about anal sex. I'm having second thoughts about what people think about me when they see it. Oh dear...

Tomorrow I was supposed to have a meeting with the company. It moved to Friday - hurray! Situation is this: I was freelancing for them. I had a strict deadline with a sanction sum if I fail the deadline. I was depressed and unmotivated whole summer - of course I failed. So the company basically has a right to make me pay (= reduce my payment a lot) for it. I begged for more time and I was given a month of that. I managed to do the work during that extra time. Now however I should go there and give some kind of explanation why my work was a month late and poorly done.

If they make me pay sanctions I'm screwed. If I tell them that I have issues with my sanity they prolly forgive this but I can say bye bye to any future jobs there. If I tell them some bullshit... well I cant come up with any credible reasons. I don't want to think about it more now. I have a feeling I'm going to tell them truth anyway. Problem is that one person there knows my mother. My mother doesn't know about my depression. I cant imagine what kind of hell will break loose.

I have time for psychologist again this week but now it seems I have to cancel it. I'm secretly happy that I don't need to go to cry there.

Gnite, Gnite

Ao was in poor mood. It turned to macabre humor but it actually scared me a bit... just how many times I have been really ready to cut my wrists and people have taken it as a 'normal poor mood'... I hope she isn't as bad as she might be.

Again today I wondered how it is with my friends in PE. I got 40 people in my friends list. Two of them would pm me for a chat... then I got 2-3 more who pm me when they got something to ask or they want something. What about rest? No idea. Most of them seem cheered up when I pm them but they doesn't seem to put much effort to keep conversation alive - nor they ever pm me just for chat.

N bothers me most. I really care about her and we used to have so long chats and spend time together. Now we don't really talk anymore. And when we talk even shortly, its because I contact her. I don't think she really wants to talk with me anymore... just too polite to say it.

Today has been a kind of busy day. I have written a lot in English for the course. I also visited my grandmother. She had got some kind of a medal for civil work during war. She was really proud. I guess its some kind of 'pay to get a medal' thing that my aunt has arranged but who cares. Her sister said it quite well... everyone of their age group should get such.

I wonder how it is with this blog. I feel like I could bleed half of my mind here. I actually do think this helps. I'm just so lonely. I have no one to talk with. At least with this I can tell someone - though I think its quite unlikely that someone would read all these texts... but I think too much and writing decreases thinking so its good.

Now I'm off to bed. Good night *hugs & kisses*