Half Week Over Again

Feels unreal.

I ran out of anxiety meds and I was couple days totally down. Then I got more of them. I took several immediately when I got home and I slept (or was out) couple hours. When I woke up I was totally clueless where I was and what time it was.

Now Im better I think. I hope. I talked with someone who has very same kind of reactions and anxiety problems like I have. She has been in different treatments and therapies soon for 10 years. It was nice and discouraging same time. Nice to meet someone with who I feel I get understood. Discouraging to see how she gets little help from anything.

feels awful and im at work without anxiety meds... dont have any left anymore and i havent even tried to get new doctor time yet...

i cant do anything here

i just want to run away and hide somewhere

HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME! HATE ME!

Pains

Chest pains and breathing troubles are back.. and almost worse than ever..

I quite often have hard time breathing and I have sharp piercing pain in chest. Last time it wasnt like that but everywhere just hurt badly. Normally its beem more scary than painful when I cant breath.

I took anxiety meds first. Then pain killers and finally some alcohol.

Break From Psychologist

My psychologist went for some weeks long vacation so next psychologist time moved to over a month away...

Im not sure if Im happy or not.

Feeling Low

I dont really have any self-esteem... I try to think otherwise but all the time I end up feeling that I would do a favor for everyone if i would kill myself. Im not really wanting to die. Just that I feel so worthless and that it would so much easier for everyone if I wouldnt be around...

Feeling Unimportant

I spend some time with my parents and my cousins family during weekend. I guess it was nice. I just feel myself an outsider. And I have constantly a feeling that Im mostly just trouble and burden to people. That people are too nice to tell the truth but they would actually feel relieved if I would disappear somewhere - especially if I would disappear with some good reason that wouldnt worry them too much...

I think most of the people I know would be perfectly happy if they would see me half as often or less than they have seen me now. It makes it discouraging to try to socialize with people.

One thing that makes me really sad is how little attention they sometimes pay to me. I mean lately there has been several cases when I for example talk in phone with someone or chat in net and the other one just answers to what I write, not initiating anything. And feel otherwise distant or distracted too. Then when asking they tell are just watching tv or chatting with other people or doing what ever same time.

It feels like Im way too unimportant or uninteresting for anyone of them to just talk with full attention. Im more like someone to chat with when I dont bother too much more important things - like watching tv or reading emails.