Skipped Psychologist Today

I didnt go to see psychologist today...

Instead I went to shopping.

I felt a bit better than ever during or after psychologist.

Chest Pains

Im in pains again...

I need to go and get more anxiety meds today... I wish I had a own room at work and I could just close the door and go sit under table or something. :(

Anxious

Im feeling awfully anxious now...

Breathing is hard.

I think I'll just sit down in some corner and wait that this goes over...

Dont know what else to do anyway.

Back From Business Trip

I returned from a business trip.

I'm feeling so lonely again. Lonely and miserable. If I would die today it would probably take over week before anyone would start to wonder where I am - and that would be at work. Doubt that friends or family would miss me in that time period yet.

I cried a lot last night. I ended up thinking that in one way I have been better lately: I havent thought about my funerals very recently. I used to "fantasize" about my own funerals. Weird thing... Not too healthy I bet.

My friend didnt hug me yesterday when we saw first time for couple weeks. I was going to hug her but she didnt make any move to hug me so I didnt... we just said "hi" from a meter apart.. talked shortly and that was it.

It hurted badly.

I guess it's because I havent been enough in contact with people and just not too good friend lately in any way.

I drank a lot yesterday. I sat watching tv and just drank. I wanted to get numb but it doesnt work for me. More I drink, more sad I become. Then I took anxiety meds - not much but just enough to pass out. I woke up later and spent half of the night throwing up in bathroom.

I would want this day just to go past fast but Im not really waiting for tomorrow either...

And I dont feel like checking through what I have written now... what does it matter if this makes no sense..

Harming Thoughts

Lately I have really felt like hurting myself.

Not like wanting pain or such... I feel more like destroying this physical body. Mutilating it. I dont want to die. Or suffer. Just feel like hating my physical self. I dont know why.

List of Problems

I work 5 days per week but I dont believe I will last to the end of my contract.

I visit psychologist every week but I dont believe she can help much.

I eat medicines every day but I dont believe they can cure me permanently.

I try to socialize with people but I dont believe there's hope of restoring old friendships.

Bad Dreams

Last night I saw some disturbing dreams...

My left nipple was itching and when I scrathed it the whole tip of it broke off and started to bleed. I dont usually feel any pain in my dreams but this time it hurted a lot. I also had a scar on my lip which itched and when I scrathed it, it got ripped off and teared a stripe of skin all the way to my ear with... My face bled a lot and I had part of face skin hanging loose along the edge of my jaw bone...

Im not feeling so good today :S

Going On And On

I have been somehow emotionally void lately.

I have been kind of happy - but not quite. Kind of depressed but not quite.

Work has been both stressful and interesting. Stressful as I'm slowly getting loaded with responsibilities but also rewarding as I seem to be doing good job.

I'm regularly visiting psychologist now. One hour every week. I dont know if there is any progress. My psychologist was pretty harsh on me last time. I was shaking and almost crying when I came out. I havent cried much lately and I dont know why it's so hard to cry there. I just need to hold my tears before I get out.

I'm desperately seeking attention now. And seeking way to kind of "let bad feelings out". I dont cry on daily basis like I used to. I dont crawl in depression so much. I feel like a train - just going on much without caring what happens or how I feel. I in a way feel like intentionally hurting myself again to be able to somehow grasp it.