About Depression

I’m somewhat pissed off as I’m writing this…

When talking about depression you very often tend to hear comments like “you need to cheer up” (no shit?) and so on. Lots of people feel need to come to you and tell their, usually very aggressive, opinion about depression. And they all seem to have one common thing: they think they know your life and situation so much better than you without even knowing what depression is.

They dont understand that a person with a long term depression is not depressed because s/he is too stupid to cheer up, but because s/he is unable to.

Problem with depression is that the symptom and sickness has same name. When you feel down and sad, you are depressed. Usually it will be due some reason and go away quickly (or at least in days or weeks). It is something that can be dealt with “cheering up”.

However the sickness called depression (I’m not totally familiar with official medical names though) is a bit different. Brain is a huge network of connected neurons. Thinking is a result of electrical messages being transmitted from a neuron to another. Brains can learn and adapt – new connections grow between neurons and old, frequently used ones, grow stronger. Some chemicals affect a lot in both, transmitting signals and growth of connections.

What happens in long term depression is that brains adapt to depressed state. This means that neural connections that support or participate in depressed state grow stronger and connections participating in non-depressed state get weaker.

In theory it is possible to get over long term depression just by cheering up or thinking positively. It is - if you manage to do it couple years in row. If you are one those who swear in the name of it, do try it yourself: Start now to think positively and do not get sad, stressed, upset, angry or anything until 2008 or so. Then you can come to me and tell that you can cure long term depression by just thinking positively.

Depression has been studied quite a lot lately as science now offers ways to see what happens inside brains. Depression is one of the first things where there have been clear proofs how physical and psychological worlds come together. Most doctors who follow this are seems to agree that difficult depression is best treated with medication and therapy. Also statistics support this.

Most common “anti-depressants” used today are so called ssri-medicines (selective serotonin retake inhibitors). As name suggests they prevent serotonin from leaving brains. They usually have effect on two to three different chemicals in brains and generally help those weak connections (“non-depressed connections”) enabling better signaling and speeding up growth.

The “depressed connections” stay strong for long time – even for years. During that time depression can come back very easily since brains still have all the old connections alive. That again speaks against getting over long term depression since basically all it needs is a one slip and you are back where you started.

One common argument against medicines is that they change who you are or affect your personality. That’s not really the case in common sense. They just affect some chemicals in brains. You still are same person with same experiences and memories. However a depression does change who you are, would be reasonable to think that a medicine has to change something if it helps for depression.

When comparing to other sicknesses that are more familiar to people, it would feel plain stupid if a person with a cancer would be told to “just bear it without help” or “don’t take medicines but wait for your body to heal itself”.

Valentines Day

Idea of Valentines Day is to get depressed because no one of friends will remember you...

Yes, I'm cynical...

Sick

I have been sick lately - stomach pains. I was feeling so sick on Thursday that I almost fainted at work. I went to my parents and stayed there couple days. Apparently I'm getting an ulcer soon... Being regularly anxious must have similar effect on body like stress.

I have to try relax a bit and cut down coffee a lot. I dont want to get physically sick too now. I ate one packet of those stomach acid neutralizers - along with third of my anxiety pills and a packet of painkillers.

Now I feel a bit better but still not normal.

Doing It Online

Just collected my thoughts about cybering, net sex or whatever you would call it.

My "first time" was in one chat room. I was just interested to see how it would go and what it would be like. It wasn’t best possible experience. Just some role-playing of what we would do. I wasn’t really turned on at all. I was more like just writing things I supposed I should have written. It was quite meaningless for me.

After that I got more interested in erotic stories and I tried role-playing in story form. I emailed with a couple different persons and we wrote a chapter or two in turns. It was arousing and fun. It was way more role-playing and way more fun than what my chatting experience was. In chat (it seems to me) it's almost only about describing sex acts. But with this emailing there was a background, lots of things that weren’t related to sex and so on. They made sweet stories.

However it got boring after a while. It would take much more than weekly cravings for arousal to get a story go on and develop for long time. This emailing thing actually happened when my relationship with one guy was ending. I guess it was motivated by excitement seeking.

After I broke up with him I started to use net more often. I also spend much more time in chats. I tried role-playing couple times but for me it doesn’t do much. I find it more or less boring or even a turn off to write things like "oooh! You lick my pussy so well" - things that aren’t happening, things that wont happen, things I don’t really even want to happen (not with that person anyway).

I like chatting about sex. I love getting aroused and touching myself while chatting. Mutual masturbation while chatting can be really nice. I got quite often into that kind of situations even though it’s hard to find someone for that.

I have big issues with my relationship or feelings toward the person I'm chatting with. I tend either to like or dislike strongly. With those who I like I start to develop feelings very easily. With those who I don’t like, I often find it hard to even have a chit chat.

In my experience developing feelings toward someone in net is just stupid. Maybe it’s a natural thing to happen but I have always got hurt. Nowadays I try to keep certain distance and I try to keep it less personal. I try to keep the line so that when I close the computer, there is no “relationship” with that person.

I'm submissive and of course I have tried that online too. For me those have been the most arousing online experiences. And as I don’t like role-playing, it has been mostly directed masturbation. I have done what the other tells me to do.

And I have done some really kinky (on my scale anyway) things that way... anal toying, humiliation etc. And I have lived through really strong emotions and feelings. I have been shaking from excitement and tension. I have almost begged to get orgasm. I have felt physical pain too. At best they are experiences that will make you wet for days after thinking about them and make you dream about next time.

At best (or worst) those have developed into a relationship which has affected to life quite a lot outside that online time too. Not to mention that online time tends to increase a lot in such case.

I said "or worst" because those have also hurt most. For me, there is no long online relationship. I'm very sensitive to how people I like or love act towards me. And in online things there are always a lot of things you need to guess or trust since not being able to talk and communicate face to face always leaves too much hidden. I just can’t handle those.

I guess such online submission is a thing I'm craving for (as I'm totally single now and too often sitting at home alone). But in same time I know that if it works it will develop into some kind of relationship. And I can’t handle those.

And for me submission works in so emotional levels that I don’t know if it’s even possible to have it only as short “sessions” online.

Now it sounds like I would have huge experience of online things. Not really true. I actually quite rarely even seek those. Most of times I'm just up for a little chat about interesting things (I'm interested in sex!). And if I get aroused or masturbate I most of the time won’t even tell it.

Phone sex is a kind of online thing too. I haven’t much experience in it. I'm pretty poor at phone, even if talking with my friends. I can’t imagine having sex on phone with a stranger. And with those I have been in relationship with, it has always been too easy option to meet instead.

And then there are of course webcams. I have been amazed how many guys want to show themselves in a webcam. And yet I haven’t really watched any of such show. I have once watched briefly a guy jerking off in front of webcam but it had no interaction or didn’t last too long. As an idea it's somehow tickling. However I feel that webcam is way more personal medium. If I could see the guys face I think I would have to like the guy to enjoy the show. In that sense I might prefer just seeing a cock only in a very anonymous manner but then again I'm not sure how much it would do to me.

As for myself using a webcam is frightening idea. With a stranger: never. With someone I have feelings for: maybe. When I'm an object of attention - especially very direct attention - I tend to feel very vulnerable and threatened. (In a way that happens in submission and that's why it has a huge emotional impact on me. I believe being submissive is my way to cope that fear is sexual way but that’s another story.) I have masturbated while my partner watches in same room. And it was a very intimate experience for me. I can’t imagine sharing so intimate thing with a stranger or just someone.

This has been a way too long post already but one thing still. There is a problem in online sex for me. Often after sexual satisfaction I would like to cuddle, just feel closeness and enjoy the intimacy there is after sex. But at least for me this cuddling phase requires genuine feelings toward the other. Often what happens after online sex makes me feel a bit disappointed and even lonelier than I was before it. For me it has been a problem I can’t find solution.

And yet I still get times when craving for excitement grows bigger than my past bad experiences.

Update Of Recent Things

At work and feeling really depressed.

I threw up yesterday morning. Of course that also removed the antidepressant pill which is slowly dissolving depot-pill. Maybe that is the reason I feel like being overrun by a truck - mentally.

I had a psychologist finally on last Monday. Havent yet talked about it with anyone. Or written about it. So maybe it's time to try to get it a bit out of my head.

The psychologist was pretty grey and dull looking woman. Once again I had to start from very beginning. Explain everything. We talked maybe 50 minutes and she wrote like 10 papers during that time. She has an annoying way to just stare silently with a very skeptic look on her face. And a very annoying way to just ask "why" after everything I said.

But at least now I have half dozen psychologist times. After that I will probably get some therapy times.

I have felt really lonely lately.

I have also felt really submissive... almost masochistic.

I'm almost craving for to be used. Abused. Maybe because I dont want myself to cut or harm myself. Maybe that's why I'm craving for someone else to do it to me. In a sexual way.

I have basically two "best friends". One of them is someone I have known my whole life. She didnt take me as a bridesmaid when she got married. I felt a bit turned down but I put it away from my mind. We havent been so close lately. I guess it was fair that way.

She got a baby recently. She didnt take me as a godmother for that child. I felt turned down again. Maybe it was because I'm single or something.

I'm not invited to christening either - because only "closest ones and godfather/mother" are invited.