Almost 3 A.M.

And I'm a bit drunk :)

I'm in good mood. Relativly. I feel so tired - I can hardly keep my eyes open. So what I came to write here? Well... only that I'm ¤%&:n horny... better mood + some alcohol really got me going again :)

I need to do something with myself... good night ;)

Lack of Love

I just thought how much I really would like to fall in love again. To meet someone, to have dreams and excitement again. At some point I thought that next one should already be some long relationship thing but now I guess it would be enough just to meet someone and not to think farther than next day. After I broke up with my ex I had kind of wild time. After I woke up in my bisexuality I had kind of wild time. Maybe I should have some wild time again soon?

I seem to become nostalgic about M all the time. She was such a bitch. And weirdly attractive. I usually have said that she was ugly. She wasn't. Just not traditionally pretty. Short hair and butch-like look isn't normally viewed as pretty or attractive with girls. Too bad she was a bitch outside the bedroom too. Couldn't stand her. But when it came to sex she knew exactly what buttons she needed to press to make me do what ever she wanted. Ok... now it starts to sound that I crave more sex than love. Dunno. Might be - even though I don't like separating those two things too much.

M is a friend of my friend. We met in New Years party. My friends had called her with and introduced as my avec for the night (as a joke). Something gliched immediately. I didn't like her. She didn't seem to like me. Then alcohol took part in it. Everyone was heavily drunk and in the end (4 am or so) I ended up in bed with her. Could have been just that but on the morning we went to shower together and made love there... it was prolly among most perfect things that have happened to me. We ended up to the floor with warm water raining down. I got orgasm and I started to cry uncontrollably. I don't know what came into me. I wasn't sad, hurted or anything. It all just touched me somehow. And just then she just silently held me in her arms, hugging until I stopped crying. I cant describe it properly with words. It however didn't change the fact that we really didn't like each other much outside those intimate moments. Still I think we shared something more than just sex. I have couple times told this all to people and got very negative comments. Yes I guess M could have been called as fuck buddy but there was always something more than just physical sex... it wasn't just sport like thing.

We met irregularly some months until I wanted to stop it. I knew that I would have developed too deep feelings for her. I somehow think she didn't have that problem. So did she just use me as a toy? Might be. Maybe that was just the thing I loved in our sex - being used. But then later when I happened to see her at a bar where I was with K she seemed really jealous. You cant be jealous unless you care... maybe she just hid her emotions too well even though I tend to be very sensitive to notice these kind of things...

Sweet memories... *sigh*

Yesterday's Appointment

So I guess I should tell a bit about that meeting I got with the psychologist... I was kind of messed up yesterday evening so I had no idea what I actually should have thought about it.

I tried to have realistic expectations before going there: it was the first meeting, nothing was going to change in there, nothing special was going to happen. I was still really worried how I would look there. I mean my friends cant see that I'm depressed. I tell them it and they look very suspicious probably thinking that I'm lying or something. I had really big troubles trying to think what I should say so that I would sound credible with my problems. Problem is also that I'm officially so much different than what I guess I am inside. I have a public face and then something else - something into where I hide from the fact that the public side is pretty much acting. But what is true in me then? I have no idea. I always seem to think myself through others. Like with the psychologist... I didn't really think so much what I am but what I would look like. It just cant be too sane...

Back to the real subject here. I was really nervous going there. I had thought through the meeting many times already and I almost had a list of things I was going to say there. He was really nice but somehow awfully passive. I didn't feel that I would have had any kind of connection to him like I usually have with people. It made me feel uncomfortable. I mean I was supposed to talk about painful and sensitive issues with someone who just looked more like bored to be there. I dunno how much he was going to go in depth issues in first meeting. I guess I was. I was determined to take full benefit from the time. So we chatted a bit - just general things. I went pretty straight to the point - to what is the problem... or what I think is the problem. I held kind of practiced speech I guess - of course not a proper speech but I spoke a lot and fast... then I kind of broke down... I had decided not to cry - just to go there and have objective and reasonable discussion about things but I lost control... I don't really have clue where it went from there. I cried probably half of the time there and I didn't really listen what he said. I some times feel kind of 'phase out' (ok.. a terms I just made)... I can see and hear that people talk to me but I cant really get grip of what they say. Worst thing is that I'm very good saying those 'ok', 'yes', 'sure' so that other people don't necessarily even notice that I actually haven't listened at all. I had exactly same there. I think I have another time next week but I don't have clue which day and time. Also I don't know at all what he said... I just feel embarrassed about it. I mean I probably was really pathetic case...

Now writing this I begin to wonder why I again need to worry so much what some psychologist think about me. Why cant I just be myself and let him get true picture of me instead of trying to make him get the picture I want. Is it even possible to fool psychologist? I mean shouldn't they expect that their patients wont necessarily tell pure truth without any distortion. In borderline and historic disorders one of the traits is 'manipulative'. How can psychologist see who is manipulative without being manipulated himself? I mean only way would be that the manipulation kind of fails...

Lots of things to think about again... like always...

...

Just logged in PE, said 'hi' and no one in my soc answered though they all were present... everyone just ignored me... was it mistake to tell that I was going to see psychologist or what is it about... I'm in shock... :'(

I wonder if I should leave my soc. I'm alone there all the time anyway... I dont think they want me with to anything. They always do things together without me. I have little idea what they plan to do even though I'm one of the most active members of the soc. Maybe I would be better just alone...

Personality Disorder Test

Results...
Paranoid: Low click for info
Schizoid: Low click for info
Schizotypal: High click for info
Antisocial: Low click for info
Borderline: Very High click for info
Histrionic: Very High click for info
Narcissistic: High click for info
Avoidant: High click for info
Dependent: High click for info
Obss.-Compulsive: High click for info

(http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv)

Appointment Time

Today I finally got time for a psychologist. I really don't know what to think about it. Its something that everybody around me has really been pressing me to do. I feel that with some of my friends whole existence of friendship has been threatened if I wont go. I have tried to avoid those people so that I wouldn't have to tell them that I haven't yet had appointment... I hope to get back those friends but I'm afraid that some of them might be lost already.

There's not always going to back to old times when something is broken. I feel really hurted by the fact that instead of empathy many friends just gave me two options - end of friendship or professional help. Maybe I have nothing wrong in my head but the world just is more cruel place than I would like to think...

New Forum Addiction Again?

Yesterday I registered at http://literotica.com. It seems I wrote 20+ messages there right away... I wonder how long it will take until I have too bad addiction to that and I need to leave it.

I have a motivation to register there. I have decided to turn some of my sexual experiences to stories. Just to write them as I experienced them - maybe with little icing on the cake but mostly telling truth. Problem is that I'm not that experienced writer and English is my third language. I can well write general babbling but when it comes to write about feelings and such I feel that I cant really find right words. Though its hard sometimes in Finnish too...

Personality Test

Got this wonderful result from a personality test @ http://hokev.brinkster.net/quiz/default.asp:

You are a SEDF--Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you a Evil Genius.

You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting.Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable.

You are not to be messed with. You may explode.

A Dream

I thought about writing about a dream that really puzzled me:

I was in my parents house and in living room. There was lots of people and some kind of party going on. There was also D singing karaoke in full angel armor. I cant recall the song but it was about herself. I felt I had a crush on her. She stopped singing and went to sit on wooden bench near kitchen. I approached her. She noticed me and patted on bench and said "rakastuja come sit here". I went but before I got there she turned to talk to someone else - away from me. She said "rakastuja is a nice girl who is to be kissed first and then stabbed in back".

I woke up very puzzled...

I told D about this dream but not everything in it – I felt a bit too embarrassed to tell about the crush thing. I’m don’t have crush on her in real life – or do I? I guess I shouldn’t be too sure that I don’t. I do seem to care way too much if she does or doesn’t say ‘hi’… we are not that close friends anyway. Lately she hasn’t really talked much to me. I don’t think she cares to talk much with depressed me. Its always same with people. They are nice first and promise a lot – “sure you can tell about your problems”. When you tell they start to take distance. It always seems to be that more I reveal about myself, less liked I am… :( Its so easy to give kind of impression they would like to see. They all say “you are so nice person” and I would love to scream back “but its not real me”…

Autumn

My first poem in English. I have no idea how I made it... I have never written poems or much read them.

I love the spring, longer days,
in its new life and happiness,
I felt like spring,
when I was with you.

I love the summer, warm nights,
sunny days and summer storms,
I’m always summer,
when I'm with you.

I love autumn,
in its melancholy,
its bright colours and fresh air,
because I'm autumn too.

I love winter, in its coldness,
purity and divine whiteness.
Now there's winter in me,
when you are gone.

Tuesday At Home

Today has been one of those useless days. I have some school work to do but I have managed to avoid them whole day. I should write some parts of project plan. I’m just feeling again completely unable to even start writing. I feel stressed even for the thought of having to do something. Having to do something that I must do soon. I know that I’m not short of time or anything – just complete lack of efficiency and motivation. In a way its good that there’s whole project group waiting me to do it. I actually cant imagine not to do it before deadline.

I have played PE a lot again today. I don’t know if it should be considered as a waste of time or not. It is fun and relaxing – time to time. But today again nothing seemed to go too well. There was one noob being rude to me and I got really upset. My hands were literally shaking and I felt ill. I just cant understand why someone is rude… why people want to intentionally hurt others… I’m really envious to those who can claim not to give a damn what someone in net says… I just feel completely defenceless against such.

Every hit hurts… :(

I should do my English home work too. I’m afraid I will be kicked out from the course if I fail to do my weekly amount of work done. Deadlines, deadlines… there’s nothing more left in my life than deadlines. I plan my life to next deadline and after it look when its next deadline.
I’m kinda worried about my current mood. I’m not depressed in same way as before. I just feel tired of all this. Today I realized that I haven’t really fantasized or masturbated for long time. I used to have sex, fantasies and dreams in my mind all the time. Now I feel kind of dull. I really would need a break from all of this.

Opening This Blog

I thought about opening this blog and to use it like a diary, confession place or something... for self-therapy maybe.

I have been depressed long time. So long time that I have trouble remembering when I wasn’t. I hope to get more distance to things by writing them down in foreign language. I don’t know if my English is very good especially when I wrote in upset state of mind but on other hand I’m writing for myself – not for possible readers.
I dunno really if I should expect someone to read this or not…

About name 'rakastuja': it means 'one who falls in love' in Finnish.