why does it always happen...

wish i wouldnt need to be alone

i dont want to die

Thinking through everything once again yesterday:

The fundamental problem is that I interpret reactions and emotions wrong. For me it seems that people are always in contradiction in what thay say and how they act. Last months clearly show that people wont change their behavior towards me, and that they dont like me when I'm depressed and interpreting then wrong.

So there are two solutions: I need to change or I need to act like normal.

I have lots of experience of latter. It doesnt work. I do get along with people. I get friends easily. But I will always get bad phases when I'm in trouble acting. People dont understand it and they are very unwilling to try to help me trough those times. I guess it doesnt make sense at all to them since they have been friends with the acted, false me, and when I cant keep it up I'm no longer the person they liked.

Changing... I have tried and tried and tried that too. Honestly I dont think it will be possible. All the times with psychologist I havent really learned anything new about myself. I can point out same things myself too.

Problem is that I need to change the way I react. I need to change my intuition. And after all it's not that my intuition is just wrong. I perceive lots of things correctly and way more accurately than most.
forget this.. i dont feel like trying to make sense of it

I dont think I'll bother get more medicines after these ones run out...

I dont think there's many people around me who dont know how I am feeling...

And most of them claim to care..

But still.. If I would kill myself right now. After couple days some of them would maybe note that I havent contacted them in any way for a while. Or maybe they wouldnt - I dont know. After a week or so someone might actually wonder where I am. Within couple weeks some people might even try to contact me and wonder why I dont answer right away. In a month or so my neighbors would call police because of the rotting smell...

People would feel bad and so on. For some time. After that it wouldnt really make difference to anyones life.

The actual only really important thing that I value in life seems to be the one I will never get.

I feel anxious and awful all the time. I just cant stand it. I cant sit still or focus on doing anything. Anxiety meds help but only for short time - only for couple hours. And I shouldnt even take them every day. Though I have now for some while taken just as many as I have wanted each day. Who really cares if I become addicted or not? I dont.

I cant keep this all inside. I end up imagining how I could cut myself open and let all the bad things come out...

Problem is that I dont have anyone left who I could tell how I feel. I feel so lonely but same time if I want to spend time with people I would need to hide what I feel inside. People know Im not ok - that's why they dont try to spend time with me so much anymore. When I contact them, they expect that I would be in a bit better mood or at least not tell them how bad I feel.

No One To Talk With

I really have no one to talk with when I really need it...

No one knows about my everyday life anymore. No one close to me is interested how I'm doing. If I would kill myself today it would probably take couple weeks at least before anyone would start to wonder where I am.

I dont know if I will ever have anyone with who I could talk about "anything". I seem to be a great in losing such persons. And it hurts. And I dont want to get hurt more. I'm suffering enough already.

I feel awful... like everyday...

smoked joint on saturday with couple guys i met in bar

part of me feels ashamed and bad for it.. rest doesnt care at all

cant even get drunk without starting to cry

every person with who i have been honest and open, have eventually started to dislike my company

i cant describe how bad it feels

i call my friend and ask if we could see.. she is too busy.. then my other friend calls her and she immediately cancels what ever else she had

i sit down with other people.. they talk with each other.. they answer when i ask but they just concentrate on each other

my friends wont admit there's anything wrong.. they just have all kinds of excuses why we arent in contact and why we arent close at all anymore

i guess they are afraid to say honestly how they feel

sure they would be friends with my old self.. but not with the sick me

and i dont think ill ever be that old self.. too late

im sick of people telling me lies just to avoid having to talk with me or see me... why cant they just honestly say that they dont want be in any contact anymore..

yesterday my friend or ex-friend was too busy to see me when i asked her for a cup of coffee.. later same evening i saw her in a terrace of a restaurant with couple other girls i know...

shouldnt be surprised though

why cant i just kill myself and stop this all... its not going to get any better