Drunk

Drunk, anxious and crying.

Why cant I get happily drunk anymore?

Feel, Feel, Feel

Feeling really anxious again.

Feels like people in same table are talking in different room. I just cant hear what they say. I have stared monitor whole day without getting any work done.

Feels so unrealistic - like being away...

Weird

Im feeling really weird...

Im having crush-like feelings towards almost everyone.

Scary. Im thinking about people I dont even know and feel like drawing hearts and stuff on my notebook like a teenager...

Bit Better Things

Quite good things have happened lately.

Friday went well at work. On Saturday there was crayfish parties and I introduced M to my parents and family. I was nervous but everything went ok. Looks like we are formally together now.

We havent talked too much about being together. First it was just sex. Now we have spent quite much time together outside bedroom too. We have been every weekend together so it didnt make sense to stay separated because of a family parties. Good thing my family is open-minded with these things.

M got pretty drunk and such but nothing too bad happened. :)

I called health care yesterday morning again and now Im actually waiting to hear about therapy times. Im feeling somehow determined now. Not so good, not so bad, but determined.

H dropped bombs yesterday by saying that she's actually bit into dom side. That really changed my image of her a bit. And I have been happily babbling all kinds of things about me being a sub without having any idea.

Well I have always felt attracted to her. :)

M and I have been talking about exploring bdsm a bit further. Neither of us seems to really know what it would mean in practice. Actually it started when I told her I wish she would take more advantage of me being submissive. And she told she would but she havent done that because of my depression. We had long talk about it. Sometimes when I feel worst I simply crave for those things...

I dont know how it will turn out. I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about it. Kind of silly. So far it has been pretty strictly all about what happens in sex. I guess this is taking it a bit out of bedroom too. Honestly I feel scared of giving any control of my life away.

Of course it's all about play or roling. I wouldnt really give away power - just some control.

I would be interested in orgasm denial and her kind controlling my whole sexuality - not just what happens between us. No idea if I can handle it. Masturbation is a great escape in my life. When everything have sucked in my, I still have had that one way to feel good even for a moment.

Also it's so much a habbit. Will be hard to make differences to it.

I think she would be more interested in something that could be called "positioning". Kind of things that make it clear that she is in control. And she has many times showed interest in doing something in public - and it freaks me out totally.

So far no idea what will happen next.

Oh yes and one thing I didnt tell M about - Im finding cocks awfully interesting again. For reason I seem to have a some kind of obsession for giving a blowjob. I guess it's the fascination of something I havent had for long time. Dunno. Im weird. I could suck one simply for the sake of doing it...

Appointment Time

I had appointment time with doctor today. Now am back again in treatment. Though I still have queue until I get weekly therapy time. Also I prolly get anti-depressants next time after next appointment time. Something is happening again...

Thanks for everyone who have written here lately. I havent been in too good shape to answer emails or comments but I have read everything. I guess lately I have really been crying for help. I hope it will be better now on again. To top of that I lost internet connection yesterday so I couldnt even read my emails on evening.

I did depression query thing at doctor today and when it has scaling from 0-3 in questions my average "score" was 2-something. I guess that qualifies as a bad thing.

I really would have wanted to talk about some things but she really was a normal doctor not a psychologist. The discussion we had was quite strictly about non-psychological things...

Now I feel partly relieved, partly disappointed. I called M and got even more disappointed as she seemed to be uninterested about it all... I get bad feeling she doesnt take it seriously enough. Its probably my fault for not telling her well enough but still. I need to start telling people in real life - my parents, friends etc... Cant hide things forever.

conclusion or something

i dont know how ill survive through this day...

Purpose

Whats the use of anything? Will I feel better tomorrow? I doubt. Will anyone care more about me next week? Dont think so. So what if I get medicines? Is it worth of it to be drugged beyond caring? Or will the medicines make people care about me like I would want? No change.

So whats the use? Of anything anymore?

...

Same Shit, Different Day

Yesterday went in crying.
Today wont be much better.
No one cares to know.
I only have this blog to tell about it.

How miserable is that?

I dont know what words I could use to describe my state. When I tell someone Im feeling anxious or depressed people pretty much seems bored. No one will make any effort because of it. No one will give me much attention.

I guess even if I would tell I tried suicide last night people would answer something like "oh poor you. sorry but im going to get a cigarrette/watch tv/do something else"...

It's not like someone would give me full attention for a moment when I feel worst... Well I guess they are honest when they say Im not bothering them. How could I bother when they hardly concentrate on me at all?

Have A Nice Weekend

I had nice weekend.

This day has been almost like new anxiousity record. Someday not very far in future Im going to get a heart attack or something. I have had hard time breathing and chest feels like it's been in screw bench. I cried at work too. I just went to one quiet toilet on basement floor and sat down and cried. Rest of the day I tried to avoid talking with anyone.

Im giving in again. No one cares about me like I want to be cared. Its just a fact. It doesnt make much difference if it's because of me or because of everyone else. Yes some people do care about me in some way. It's not how I would deep down define caring anyway.

I have had among worst times lately. And still it's not like people would care to support me. I have tried and tried to explain that in times like this nothing would be better than my friends making sure that they show even some interest in how I feel on daily basis. I wouldnt need to be much. Even just an email asking "how are you today" would be really welcome if I have told how miserable I felt on previous evening.

No one just cares enough to do that.

I dont think they are bad. They just care in their way. I either dont deserve anything more or Im just stupid not being able accept it.

I have tried reason it with myself but Im once again running out of arguments of why people dont show much interest in talking with me. Sure if I talk with them they try to say that they dont mind talking with me. Or that they had "thought about me". No one still seems to want to take any initiaves though. It's always just me having push myself to talk with people.

And again then they say "oh no it doesnt matter you come to talk with me". If it doesnt matter them and if they care about me, and if they know its really hard for me to make initiatives when Im feeling anxious, and they know I would love to have them to make initiative too sometimes... THEN WHY THE FUCK THEY DONT? I just cant find any reasonable solution for that. I dont. Am I mentally sick because of that?

Nervous Again

Got better yesterday... I swinged quite fast back to almost normal. M came to visit me and we had just a cuddly evening on sofa under fleece blanket. :)

Right now I feel really weak again. Not really depressed but feeling anxious deep inside. Nervous.

Nervous because I know that it just waits to surface again. And tired because it kind of feels pointless to even try cheering up. Whats the use of exhausting myself in cheering up for a day or two - and then being miserable twice as long time?

Next week I finally got the appointment time. Not that long time. Just need to hang on until that.

I'll be spending whole weekend with M again. Im happy and anxious same time. I still cant show her what really goes on inside. I do feel better when she's around. But on same time I get more anxious from not being able to let things out. She's great to have couple days in week but I need breaks between so that I let the depression and anxiosity out too.

Twisted View

I dont think Im too good person.
I force people to talk with me about my moods and problems.
I make them feel quilty and bad for not doing as I would want them to do.
Its their life after all. Who says they should be asking how I am daily? Or even somewhat regularly? What right I have make them feel bad for it?

Maybe its again just me who has twisted view...

being sick

thrown up twice after i got home
breathing troubles.. almost passed out one point
i hope worst is over now
would do much if even one of my friends would ask even somewhat regularly how i am... is it too much to expect after what i have told them? what other conclusion i can get than that they dont care to know?

blah

Im making a new anxiousity record...
Im shaking and feeling dizzy. I start crying any second here.
I want to go home already.

Bad

Really anxious...
Feel like hurting myself.
I had urge to cut myself yesterday. I just saw how blood would start flooding out. And it would be black. And all bad things would come out with it.

Best Fingering Ever

Havent written much lately.

I have had something every weekend now. Which is quite good I think. I get depressed and anxious during week but then weekend forces me cheer up a bit.

I was with M again this weekend. Third weekend on row. It seems we are together now then. She has complained once about me being very distant. I have told her Im going through depression but I guess she doesnt have idea how bad it is. I still cant give up acting more happy when she's around. I somehow just cant make myself show how bad I feel time to time. Of course its not only about acting - I do feel better with her. But same time its somehow strangling because I cant really let the bad feelings out...

I just have to tell something... we had great sex on Sunday. Or should I talk about "making love"? It was very long hugging and kissing, consisting only of sweet things (nothing rough this time). It ended in her giving me best finger treatment of my life. I know this prolly sounds silly but it was like pure 15 minutes long moan and seeing stars.

(She had one finger in my butt, two fingers in my pussy and other hand rubbing my clit. It was almost too much to handle. And she kept me at the edge long time - always moving her hand off my clit when I was very close.)

After sex she fell asleep... I on other hand simply had to masturbate - right next her in bed. I felt so horny even after I had just got orgasm. Almost like I had her touch still tickling all over my body.

Didnt confess it to her though. Dunno why. She probably would have found it just as amusing as I think it is. I still feel kind of tickly when I think about it. Im now really craving to get same feeling again and again.

Broken

Everyone hate me.
No one cares about me.
No one cares to ask how I have been.
Everyone who know me well enough are smart enough not to ask.
No one wants to know.
No one wants to hear all these same lines again.

If it's broken, you fix it.
If it cant be fixed, you throw it away.

I think most people around me have stopped to believe my head can be fixed anymore.
Or they just have better life without me.