Repulsive State

On morning I didn't feel much anything. Now I feel just sick and tired of everything. Maybe I should just close computer for good and leave my mobile phone off... Maybe then I wouldn't feel so frustrated with people.

Some moments I understand that my friends don't want to talk with me. I'm not really that good company. I'm not their best friend. They all have better friends. I mean I don't think they would think about me and wonder if I have time to talk. More like they occasionally are up to chat or do something with me. Occasionally. And especially if I suggest it when they are bored.

I have got lots of people saying "I can talk with you" and so on. I really appreciate that. But I have to say that I don't feel like starting to talk with strangers all the time. My biggest worry is that people who I care, who I have trusted, seem to ignore me. No stranger or new friend can replace someone you like just like that, can they?

Also I have got hurt with many people. Not on their purpose but it just has happened. I'm just trying be careful with who I get somehow attached.

I have done lot cybering - virtual sex; mutual masturbation; sex chatting; whatever - lately. Time to time I feel myself really low doing that. And I'm not trying judge it or say it's lame or anything. It's just that I feel my motives to do it is not because it's fun or I would really enjoy it, but more like that I do it for attention. I do it because it's better than sitting alone and staring monitor.

And that goes with other sex activities too. How much I just shape myself to get attention and acceptance. It's so easy. Just use your body for half hour to get moments of acceptance and social success. It's so easy to get attention with sex when you're a girl.