Stress And Longing For Love

I'm totally stressed. A nervous wreck.

Yesterday evening my pulse was fast all the time. I just couldn't relax or calm down. It's like watching horrow movie where the scary part lasts for 5 hours or more. First it's just nervous feeling. Then it turns into quick heart beating and breathing discomfort. It all causes a dizzy, slightly nauseous feeling. Sitting down and relaxing don't do anything. I can stare a wall and still feel like I would be running long distance.

I feel my work efficiency is really low. It's probably just because of the stress but it also makes it worse. I notice myself spending two days doing something that probably couldn't be easily done in couple hours.

I spent hour or two drinking vodka and listening music last night. I got all emotional. I really, really want to fall in love. I want to feel something good instead. I want to have something I really want in my life.

Currently I just feel void. I'm doing my studies. I'm going to work whole summer. Both are excellent and smart things to do. But I'm not studying for myself now. I'm studying for a healthy future-self who probably would benefit greatly from those. But I'm not that future-self and I don't know if I believe I'll never will be. I just fill my days from things that don't benefit me now at all. Things that don't interest me at all. No wonder I feel void - I'm living for someone else now.

I just would want someone to love. Someone to who I could show my best parts. Someone who would give meaning for being nice and good. Now I'm merely looking into the mirror and seeing my worst parts.