After Lunch Post

I watched anime Neon Genesis Evangelion this morning. It had a episode consisting only about that Shinji having somekind of self talk/evaluation time. I haven't been too interested about the series (but it goes well while having breakfast), but this time it really touched something inside me. First I thought "this is silly" but then I more and more realized that it was almost like from my life.

I'm playing around with WAP now. I have had WAP capability in my phone for long time but now as company pays phone bills I actually have checked what it is about. Funny how I still find time to play with my mobile phone... I'm having a stress time at work now. I'm in trouble with one document I should have had ready already. And right now I should be writing it but here I am writing this.

I wonder what should I do with M. I send her a message but no answer so far. I'm feeling uncomfortable as I don't know what is really going on between us. Does she actually want to be with me? I guess she is again just more interested about friends&sex -kind of thing. What about me? No idea...

One thing with M is that I feel she doesn't let me close. She seems somehow distant when it comes to many everyday things. Its like she would be hiding things or something. Or maybe I'm just imagining?

I haven't felt too cheerful this week. Is it just work stress and some individual jerks? Or does it have something do with what happened during weekend? Why would I get sad for having great intimate moments?

Part of me would want to call M and beg her treat me badly... Hurt me and use me. Why cant I fantasize about cuddly sweet things? Shouldn't I dream about enjoying and feeling good, not about getting hurt?

This post was probably 50% just questions...

Second Story Published

My story about me and M is now published. You can find it here. Like always I love to hear comments and get feedback.

I think I'll gather some courage and show it to her too someday.

Midsummer

Back at home again.

So last Friday was Midsummer or "Juhannus" as we call it here. I went to my parents summer cottage on Thursday already and some family and relatives came there as well. Nothing too special happened there. We grilled some very good sausages on Thursday evening and sat around the fire well past midnight. Of course we had lots of beer and other drinks.

The weather on Friday was really nice. We just sat chatting, swam in lake etc. Everyone did a bit what they wanted. On evening we had "Russian herring", garlic roasted bread and salad for starters. A dish made of salted herring covered with creme fraiche (should be smetana of course) and topped with beetroot, gherkin and boiled egg dices is called Russian herring here. Its something I hated when I was kid but now it tastes great. Just some boiled potatoes and dark bread with it.

Then as main dish three salmons we smoked outside. They were delicious like always. Then coffee and rhubarb pie for dessert. Just great dinner. After that again chatting and sitting around the fire.

On Saturday noon I changed place to M's familys summer cottage. Her parents had left somewhere and she had invited some of her friends there. And when I arrived there they had been drinking there two days already. And as soon as I got there it started raining. And it rained whole evening. So we sat inside, played truth and dare, drank some more and so on.

There was some cute girl I had little flirt going on with. Nothing too special happened. We had generally ok time. Not too fun - their cottage was a bit too small for such amount of people to fit in comfortably.

Somehowin the evening I ended up in same bed with M. And turned out to be amazing...

We crawled under pillows. M said she wasn't really sleepy. I said I wasn't either. She quickly slipped under my blanket and everything went with their own weight. It was just so cuddly and sweet. We lied on our sides kissing and hugging. I almost felt like I would ejaculate when she fingered me and I guess I did to some extent. At least I had a really wet spot under my hip.

We just kept kissing and cuddling for sometime after orgasms and then we started again. And from that I have a faint teeth marks and small purple dots on my breast. And some finger tip sized bruises all long my sides.

Cant think much else to say about it than wow.

On morning we were a bit like nothing would have happened. There was awfully windy so I left quite early. We didn't kiss good bye or act like we would have any relationship or anything going on. We didn't talk about getting together or anything like that.

Well better maybe try to not to think too hard. I'm just all smile when I think about last night.

Morning Thoughts

I stayed home yesterday. I would love to stay today too but I think I need to go to work at least to attend one meeting. My throat isnt hurting that much anymore but Im still not feeling too good.

My cousin called me second time. It didnt really go any better. Well maybe a bit but I was still upset after it. This time really upset - not down like usually after this kind of things.

I published my second story (or actually submitted it for publishing). I'll post link to it as soon as it gets published. I'm really surprised how good ratings my first story has got. My first story and it still hangs in first page of Literotica's Top Masturbation stories.

I dont think this story will do as good but it's not really same kind of polished work - more like just lettings thoughts flow on paper. Im still totally dumbfound by the tone Im writing about M. Somehow I have hard time admitting that I actually kind of adore her.

Well I have to admit that I have never had so good sex with anyone (and I hate "rating" partners). Maybe I really need some domination aspect to really get into it. Or maybe it was the fact that she was so open in what she wanted and how she enjoyed. Maybe it made me feel comfortable and secure like nothing before. Im totally unable to enjoy or relax if I feel that my partner isnt enjoying. For me its a horrible situation.

Is my thing for submission then the fact that dominant person is supposed to clearly tell you what s/he wants of you? Please take your pleasure so that I could enjoy and feel good?

Just remembered how I wondered about anal sex one day recently. (I have a whole "essay" coming up.) It just struct me that I havent ever even thought about not having anal sex. I have immense fear of rejection. Porn pretty much presents that all men want anal sex. So I guess I took it as a basic "requirement" to be able to be with men. Of course I knew that not all women like it. And that its more like minority of couples who have anal sex.

But the point is that I guess my fear of being rejected has lots to do with some kind of belief deep inside that men and women - especially in relationships - dont actually like each other. Dunno. I have hard time trying to put it in words what Im trying to say...

Maybe Im trying to say that I feel that many people just stick in their relationships and friendships without really even liking each other. Just sticking because its something they have been used to. And when turning that to sex: couples just stick doing things they are used to do in bed - not what they really would want to do. Then they secretly think bad about their partners and become cynical and bitter.

I have now tried to rewrite that couple times but it wont turn out in right way. Ignore or dont take it too seriously. Im just trying to pursue something behind all this.

Borderline personality disorder is suspected to come from childhood insecurity. I remember at one point my parents was going to broke up. But my problem is that I dont really remember things from my childhood. Just bits from here and there. Did it cause all this? Did it leave me a feeling that I cant be myself to be liked but something better?

Dunno. I need to talk about this with my psychologist (when I finally manage to get appointmet time).

Feeling Sick

I feel sick. It sucks sitting at work and trying to do something.

I also feel kind of lonely. Suddenly many of my online friends have left somewhere else. They just occasionally send mail.

All boils down again to the fact that I don't have anyone I could really talk with in real life. I don't know if it would be even possible to have though. I have often hard time with psychologists and doctors even though it should be considered as "anonymous and safe" environment to talk.

I wish I could just go home to sleep...

Down...

My cousin called me and basically told me how bad person I am (partly for good reasons). I just froze. I just had difficulties getting even one word out. Then she went mad for me saying just "mm" to everything. I just wanted to say I'm sorry and that I try my best but I couldn't get it said.

Why is it so hard to get things said as you think they should be said? Now she's angry at me and I'm feeling really down again. :(

Back At Work Again

Back from Estonia. Really nice trip though way too short. I bought panties with text "kiss my ass". I noticed I'm actually thinking about giving them to M. Suits her better. :D

This week is going to be a busy one. I have many meetings at work and Friday is a national holiday here (midsummer). I'll be off whole weekend again. This time to summer cottage with my family.

I decided I will just hang around bit more with M and see how it turns out. I'm seriously starting think it might be nice to get together again. Maybe this time it would be more romantically focused. Last time it was just sex, sex and sex.

I'm actually fascinated about the thought of having more D/s (Domination-submission) style relationship. I have no idea how it would work in relationship. Or what it would even mean in relationship. But when considering how well we fit together in bed when she was clearly in charge and I just focused on pleasing her, maybe it could work when taken a bit further.

Lets see how it turns out. I'll see her again tomorrow. Just coffee and walk together before tennis. I guess she wants me still. And I think there is still some electricity in air between us.

I'm getting excited about this. Though I'm still quite skeptical if romantic relationship would work. :)

Nervous

I'm feeling a bit unsure again... or nervous. I feel like certain people are ignoring me again or at least are far less eager to chat with me.

I would like to ask them if something is wrong or if they are annoyed by something in me but I feel ashamed to do so. It's most likely nothing again and I'm just stupid feeling this way. But still it bothers me a lot.

don't I ever get rid of this?

Feelings Or No Feelings?

So I had coffee with M yesterday.

We talked this and that. Mostly just some general stuff. We didn't talk too much in her parties on Saturday anyway.

You know when you think about something in your past and you start to remember it as good thing? I mean like school and such. You tend to remember how fun you had there and start to miss all the good things. Same time you forget how it generally sucked.

Well not all people disliked school - I did. But now I remember that I disliked it, not the actual disliking feeling.

I'm afraid its same with M. Maybe I'm just very fond of all good memories and forget totally that I didn't like her enough to start a relationship with her.

I talked with N. I gave her permission to show my latest (currently unpublished) story to her boyfriend. Last night I went "Oh my god! What will he think when he sees me next time after reading it?" (We don't meet face to face but in forums etc where we are connected, he knows my real forename and sees my face pic).

Its a story about me and M. Again everything in it has happened. Not maybe exactly as written but still. And in that story I lick her asshole. Is he going to think for now on "that's the girl who licked that other girl's asshole" every time when he sees me?

But back to M. I'm tempted to show her that story. I know if someone would write a story about me I would like to see it. However I'm hesitating. Why? Because it has humiliating parts? Of course not. She knows what happened. She did/made me do those things on purpose. She knows that I loved it.

So why?

Because I'm afraid she thinks I'm in love with her. When I read the story myself I see myself talking about her in a kind of adoring - even in cuddly - tone. I'm afraid to let her know that I actually miss her.

This is stupid. And it feels even more stupid when written.

I shouldn't be ashamed of my feelings. I should acknowledge myself that I don't need to start relationship with her even if I would have feelings for her.

Do I just feel weak in front of her? Do I keep my emotions inside because I'm afraid to lose control? She likes to dominate me. I like to let her dominate me. Am I just trying to hold back my emotions to keep some control myself? As long as I'm not in love with her I still have some power myself. If I would be in love, would I be lost totally in her control?

Oh shit what I'm writing...

Going To Meet M

Im going for a coffee with M today.

"Just for coffee" we agreed so I guess we are going to talk about something. I think she wants to get back together. Well "together" like we were. Fuckbuddies... regular sex company.. what ever.

Relationship wouldnt have worked with her. I dont think it still wont. But sexually she is damn attractive. And Im not talking about looks but attitude, behavior - all that. I am really tempted by the thought of having some intimate time with her again. Letting her to mess up my mind totally again. :)

But problem is that I dont know if I can live like that. I think its hard to be intimate with someone without developing emotions. And with emotions it will hard to stay just as fuckbuddies. And if living together and having relationship wont work it cause troubles.

So what is the solution? Why the hell I find her so tempting and attractive but same time I know it wont work...

Long Monday Post

Sometimes I have weird moments of self-understanding. I almost like am able to look myself from outside and put things in bigger picture.

Sometimes those moments make me sad.

A lot of sexual things have been going through my mind. But I now more and more aware also about my motives. Sometimes I end up wondering if sexual pleasure really gives me sexual pleasure anymore. Like I have said before sex is easy way to get attention and acceptance.

And I love attention. Certain kind of attention. I have never been able to point out if I'm truly extrovert or introvert. I seem to be both depending on mood. Same thing goes with being in center of attention. I love or hate it depending on mood.

When I first times read about how Borderline behavior is kind of childish and how they tend to be really impatient and need what they want immediately, I always thought that it doesn't fit me at all. Since I have been a kid I have always thought I'm patient and I can control myself.

Self-control and patience are something I have always seen as good things. I have learned them and I think I'm pretty good in them. But on other hand, lately I feel they are also just a part of that mask I have. I have self-control and patience because they are something I think makes me nicer and more acceptable person. They help me to get accepted and liked.

I know that I'm way more impatient than most people could imagine. That is partly why I get hurt so easily. My idea about time just doesn't match well with other people. I can send someone an email and get sad if I don't get answer next day. Especially this happens when I'm waiting someone's opinion on something related to me.

Its happened again with my second erotic story. I send it to my friend and she says "I'll read it right away". I'm couple hours away from computer and when I come back I find myself really disappointed that there's no email waiting. Then I think "ok she sends it tomorrow". Then tomorrow no email. I go on thinking that maybe she didn't like it. Maybe she found it repulsive but didn't just want to say it straight. Maybe I now kind of crossed the line and she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

Now I was in pretty good mood and I didn't sink into total despair but I still cant avoid that kind of thinking. And I'm ashamed of it. I feel like hurt but I know its mostly my own thoughts hurting myself. I cant really explain it to people around me and even if I could would it make a difference? I cant really tell it afterwards either. I don't want to make them feel bad because I'm not normal. So I kind of end up just suffering myself.

So far I don't really have a clue what I could do for it. I go with same kind of thinking no matter if I'm happy or sad. Only difference is in effect it has me. It always do drop my mood but if I'm ok I can usually take it. If I'm already sad, I take it really hard. I do recognize that I'm thinking in wrong way. I keep telling me that my thoughts are going to stupid direction. I just cant help it.

Wrote A Story At Work

So yesterday I called M and asked about the party and who comes there. It appears to be just a normal party. I guess I'll go there and see. I'm actually in mood for meeting new people. :)

Today I didn't write a blog post at work. Instead I wrote an erotic story! That's right. I must be nuts doing that at work. For some reason I wrote pretty much how it went one time with M. I once again wrote it in one hectic streak without even stopping to read what I wrote.

After I had written it I went "*gasp* I cant be serious writing so cuddly and loving way". I honestly don't know what struck me. By the story I wrote you might think that M is sweetest girl on earth and that I'm deeply in love with her. But I'm not. I think.

Must be the spring. :)

Hard To Focus At Work

At work again... (I just write these at work and carry home in mp3-player and post later)

Sitting in office cubicle is pain. I'm getting so dirty thoughts in my mind that they make me squirm in my chair. Really hard to focus on working. Some women can get orgasm by just squeezing thighs together or something like that - by contracting muscles in rhythm. Never tried that properly myself (I like using hands too much) but damn it feels tempting now.

I wonder if I can so wet that it makes a visible patch to my pants. Hope not! I get kind of amused thinking about how one guy told he has to wear jeans at work because their material is strong enough to even a bit cover erection. Makes me wonder.. Isn't that painful to have erection in tight pants? I guess that would still be preferable over clearly visible bulge :D

I also wonder why I get so horny thoughts at office. I mean I get absolutely no stimulation of any kind here. Not much good looking people, no flirting atmosphere, no erotic or suggestive material even anywhere near. So how come that when I sit down and try to work my imagination always seem to find only one subject?

And I don't know if I'm complaining here or not. I mean getting aroused feels good. Its something I really want. But same time here it is frustrating and causes troubles since I really should work instead of fantasizing.

Feeling Better

Writing this at work now.

Weird how free time per day seems so short. When I get back at home I feel like I hardly have any time to do anything I like. I need to make some dinner, wash dishes and clothes, I should really clean up my place, plants need watering etc.

Its easy to spend couple hours after getting home doing those and then it seems that there's only some hours left before I should go to bed.

I have been really lazy at work until this morning. Tomorrow I must have something solid to show my progress. I just need to work efficiently rest of this day and maybe come here early tomorrow to continue a bit.

But yesterday evening was kind of good still. N is pretty happy now with her new boyfriend. H got new medicine and feels better. I feel better after my vacation. This all seems unreal. Its like happy ending - except that this is no way an end.

Oh yes... M sent me a text message yesterday. She invites me to all girl parties on Saturday. Scary! M was that quite butchy lesbian I have written about several times earlier. Now when she says "all girl party" it can mean anything. I mean it can mean bunch of girls drinking beer and listening hard rock. Or it can mean orgies...

Ok. There is clear reason why I thought orgies or some kind of sex party immediately. First of all our relationship would have been most accurately described as "fuckbuddies". We are not that good friends. So when she suddenly contacts me its pretty reasonable to think sex is the motivation there.

On other hand I feel kind of bad going on thinking about orgies immediately when lesbian throws up an all girl parties. I mean its just stupid to think that way. Heteros parties consisting of single men and women aren't (always anyway) orgies either.

Now that pondering is still kind of amusing. Then comes the hard thing: being utterly honest, would I actually prefer them to be orgies?

Thought seems pretty intriguing. But I have serious doubts if I could relax and enjoy in that kind of situation. I should call M and ask what kind of parties they are but then again I feel a bit scared I will end up making myself a jerk when asking if her casual party is some sex orgy.

Haha.. How do I manage to make things this complex?

Now as I'm posting this I just came back from playing tennis. Great weather, sun shine, fresh air... All that. I just feel good now. :)

Back From Italy

I'm back from Italy.

I really had good time there. Nothing special happened. Just lots of new things to see and good food. I visited 5 towns including Verona in one week. I saw that disappointing balcony of Julia & Romeo and other tourist attractions.

What I liked most was those cute cafeterias and restaurants, great food and cheap drinks - just relaxed atmosphere. I slept more than I have slept for ages. I had 8-9 hours sleep during night and 1-2 hour long siestas. :)

I feel pretty good now. I feel somehow more calm and confident. I actually realize now that I was looking forward to get tiny holiday romance but nothing like that happened either. But oh dear I did fantasize about it.

I was there with S. (I don't think I have mentioned her before...) We are kind of childhood friends, though we haven't been that much in contact lately. Actually whole idea of traveling started as a joke, but when this particular trip came to discount list at traveling agencies web site we just booked it without much thinking.

It wasn't that bad at all. I was a bit afraid how we would get along whole week but I guess we had enough activity during the week. I have to admit though that I was pretty glad to be alone whole Sunday. Sharing a room with someone is quite bothersome when you aren't used to have that person around all the time.

Oh yes.. Funny thing: I didn't watch TV for a week, I didn't listen radio for a week, I hardly even saw a computer out there. I did have my mobile phone with me but I used it only as an alarm clock and I kept it turned off in hotel room during days. Really, really nice difference from everyday life.

Somehow I seem to have hectic time now. I think I need to start make posting from work during lunch break...