Abuse

I think I'm so angry because I partly feel that people around me abuse my weakness...

No one needs to admit doing anything wrong. They just need to act like they don't like me or ignore me for a while and I will be begging them to forgive me.

Slavery

I have been swinging between depression and extreme anger. I cant let it out in any way. I guess that's why I feel like hurting myself. I'm just not hurted and angry. I'm boiling inside. But I cant really let it out. It would only make things worse. Even when I let it out in slightest bits people get angry at me and tell I'm blaming them and not fair and so on.

I guess only option is just to keep everything inside and act like everything would be good. As long as I please others and take all blame myself and apologize everyone they will tolerate me. I dont even remember when someone would have admitted to be even partially faulty in any situation where I have got hurt

Now if I could understand what's really the use in living this way... This is a kind of slavery... I need people who dont need me. I have no rights.

Self-Harming

Self-harming is...

• for most people a way of dealing with great emotional pain.
• another coping mechanism in the same way like drinking, drugs and gambling.

Self-harmers have...

• low self-esteem.
• poor physical self image.
• painful experiences in childhood.
• experiences of being neglected or abused.
• experiences of a chaotic family background.
• experiences of physical or emotional cruelty.

Self-harming...

• releases unbearable tension caused by anxiety, grief or anger.
• puts pain 'outside' where it's tangible and easier to cope with.
• relieves feelings of shame or guilt.
• tells people, including themselves, they need help.
• helps to feel real and alive.
• helps to feel having control over something in own life.

Angry

I'm angry... angry for always getting hurted and always having to feel quilty for it.

Maybe hurting myself is taking out that anger. Taking it out on someone who is generally seen as the source of all bad things - me.

But this wont lead to anything or solve anything. My personality wont change no matter how hard I hit myself.

Letting Out The Bad Blood

Cut myself yesterday...

Didn't hurt like I thought it would.

I have been thinking now how letting out blood is actually a really old form of treatment. "Letting out the bad blood" to cure sickness.

I guess nothing to do with this though.

It's Christmas now... Merry Christmas.

This is going a bit too far...

I'm actually thinking how bad I would need to get injured to end up in hospital and that way avoid going to my parents tomorrow...

I need to somehow stop this.

Friday

I dont know how to write about this...

I hurted H yesterday. She didnt even answer to my apologies after that. She knows this blog so it's a bit hard to write about this here.

I cried whole last night. I have been crying today too. I'm totally lost with what I should think or feel now.

I spend 12 hours at work and university yesterday. I should do about same today. I havent even started yet. I guess I wont. I'm just sliding through different feelings without being able to grasp a single rational thought.

I'm trying to think about some excuse so that I wouldnt need to go to my parents tomorrow. I cant go there and cry all the time and ruin everyones christmas.

Ugly Mind

If I hurt someone, even if I dont mean it, I apologize - it's my fault.
If someone hurts me, even if that person doesnt mean it, I apologize - it's my fault.
If someone criticizes me, it's because I do something wrong - it's my fault.
If I criticize someone, it's blaming and wrong - it's my fault.

I wish this would be more about letting out my sad mood than the actual truth about how it goes in my life.

I just shouldnt do anything because it's always my fault. I'm always 100% guilty to everything. Me alone. I'm just sick, stupid, ignorant... bad person in every way.

Why would anyone ever be with a person like me...

I'm an awful person...

I would prolly get a medal for committing a suicide...

Lyrics

Björk sings
You'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it

Maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
you are staring at
Trust your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you

All is full of love : you just ain't receiving
All is full of love : your phone is off the hook
All is full of love : your doors are all shut

Feels so bad...

Tomorrow I'll be really depressed and down.

And none of the people I have tried to talk with today, will try to talk with me.

Headache

I have a headache.

And I'm disappointed and feel turned down again. Like almost every day. How could I get better when I feel I get hammered down every time?

And I'm so fed up everything being my fault. If I dont have strength to go out, it's my fault. If I get hurted in something, it's my fault. If I expect something, it's my fault.

Feels my life has two rules "expect and demand nothing" and "forgive everything". I should always keep all the bad feelings and disappointments in myself.

But now I'm just totally broken with it. I think I have had some kind of break down or burn out with this. Too much stress, anxiety, depression, disappointments... I dont really care anymore. I wont be able to cheer up or show "normal" face outwards. I'm just a wreckage now.

New Medicine, New Hope

It's probably not hard to see that couple last days were difficult...

I also were going to turn of comments too in this blog. I'm glad I didnt. Somehow it was relieving to see comments. Thank you.

I took first new antidepressant last evening. (It should be taken with a meal so I thought after dinner would be best.) Result was that I slept quite poorly.

I dont know if I'm imagining but I feel more sharp and energic again. I have slight headache and nausea but far less than when I started my first antidepressant.

Feels a bit sad though that whole weekend got wasted. Actually I sat whole weekend at home. Most of the time just crying. And I played Sims 2...

I made a nice house, filled it with good looking men and women, made them fall in love and fuck each other. And then I drowned them all in swimming pool. It made me feel a bit better.

I masturbated all the time. I think I got at least 6 orgasms which isnt too easy for someone who never get multiple ones. Then I got fed up and threw my vibrator away. Didnt like it anyway.

I got an exam today. I havent read at all. I'm not actually even going there. I'm not going to graduate within a year. Which makes what I have told at work more or less bullshit. Well... I dont really care.

Angry

Why do I even keep writing this blog?

I dont really believe that I will get better.

Mostly when I talk about being lonely I get suggested that I should go to "talk with someone else". No one really wants to talk with me themselves.

Nowadays when I see someone is online in msn messenger I just say "hi" and close the window right away. Most of time I wont get any answer anyway so no use keeping the window open.

I would think my friends know that I have now supposely very difficult time. I just feel like crawling to the corner and wait it this all is over. I think most of friends hope I do that too.

I dont know even why I keep writing "friends"... I feel totally alienated from people. Why do I actually even have my messenger on every day?

I guess I should "go out and meet new people" and "cheer up" and "fight" and so on. Why? Would it make me feel better if I would meet 10 new people who then become my friends and who then try to avoid me?

Worthless

I'm feeling physically sick too today. Nausea and weird head aches - just sudden jolts in head. I'm craving to eat something but same time I feel like throwing up.

I'm probably more calmed down too today. Just feeling really worthless and low. A feeling a bit like waking up and realizing that everything good was just a dream.

I dont think I'll manage to call or visit anyone. I doubt anyone will call or visit me either. I guess next time I talk with someone on Monday.

Orgasms

Something good in not being on antidepressants: I get orgasms easily again.

Two this morning already. I dont feel like holding back at all now. Some comfort at least.

I only want to crawl to some corner and wait that I wake up...

Same Boring Things Again

I have decided to leave.
- "Good."
We probably wont see each other so much anymore...
- "Ok."
...
- "I need to go. Byes."
...


Why do I always think that when someone claims to be my friend it would mean same as my idea of being "friends"? I use hours and hours trying to explain why I would need some kind of special treatment and thinking that if someone really sees me as a friend they could do that for me...

Just small extra things to say to help me feel secure. Just small actions to show that they care because I'm totally unable to remember it. But it's always too much. I'm always wrong even wanting such things. I'm wrong if I get hurted by such things. I'm wrong even in writing this.

I often feel that friendships are "take it or leave it" things. My only options are to be alone or to just accept that I wont get what I want. I'm not important or good enough for anyone for them to treat me in a different way than they treat other people.

So it all comes to me being incompatible with people.
I'm somehow broken inside.

Missed Doctor Appointment

Meeting in work went badly overtime... I missed my doctor appointment... So I didnt get new antidepressants or more anxiety medicines.

Everything is going to hell now...

Faulty

No one said "lets keep in contact"...

I know I'm sick, bad, faulty and everything to ever even to expect such.

I still did.

Feeling Awful

I'm feeling so awful it's unreal...

I have told everyplace that I'm off for a sick leave or something similar and without telling when I'll be back.

I cant watch tv. I cant read. I cant play anything. I cant even sit still.

I have anxiety medicines but I have them for taking 1-2 pills couple times in a week. I took 4 or 5 yesterday alone. I'm out of them any day now. When I'm anxious the 2 pills doesnt make any difference. But I dont think I will get anything stronger. Maybe they are afraid that I do suicide with them. Shouldnt they rather care that I dont do suicide without them?

I just wish it would be tomorrow or next week and all this would be over already...

Broken

I dont know any english words to describe this...
I have to consider about getting hospitalized.

Cant think any title...

I'm now without any antidepressants.

I feel I have a lot to say but I cant seem to write anything fancy now... I was very anxious yesterday. All the normal breathing difficulties and chest pains but also now feeling like limbs would freeze. My right arm felt really numb.

I sat in bathroom with knife. I wasnt going to hurt myself in anyway. Though I almost fantasized about it. But just having the knife and not using it was somehow comforting.

Then I took the maximum dose of anxiety medicine + some extra and managed to get sleep.