Couple Steps Backwards

Yesterday was really awful day. I was nearly 12 hours at university. I also forgot one deadline totally and therefore failed one course right away. Last night I just couldn't get sleep. I think I just lied down thinking until 4 am or so. Today I'm supposed to have a free day but I don't feel like doing anything.

I'm going out again tomorrow. With same guy like last Saturday. I'm kind of scared. What if I'm in poor mood tomorrow?

I'm somewhat back in my usual doubts. I'm totally afraid that I just bother people who don't want to see or hear about me. Now it just even makes writing here harder. I have hard time writing here because I'm afraid what people think when they see that I again and again write same things. Its so usual that people are positive and supportive first but when no progress happens they leave. Bad thing is that I get negative feedback all the time. Its way too rare that anything such happen which would really cancel my doubts. More likely I only see things which proves my worries.

But this is nothing new. Like I said I'm back at my usual state.

I have decided to cut down the time I spend at computer. I talked about it with my psychiatrist and as I cant really even say how long I sit here per day I thought I should start to count. Maybe max 2 hours at computer in addition to what I need for working or studies.

Down Again

Yesterday it all got just worse. I felt like snapping any minute.

Then finally on evening it kind of came out and I just cried. I have been very down and almost anemic today. I just could lie down and stare ceiling for hours.

Mood Swings

I have had weird mood swings. On one hand I'm very frustrated with everything. I cant concentrate on anything. I also get angry really suddenly. Like an hour ago when some phonesalesguy called me I was almost boiling from rage. I mean it isnt too big trouble to pick up the phone and say "I'm not interested" and its definately not something worth to lose temper.

And also I have a mega craving for chocolate. Or maybe I'm just badly in need of sex. Perhaps I should just call my date and ask him to come over...

Nice Yesterday And Weird Dreams

So quite a lot to write this time. Yesterday I went to restaurant with one guy. Actually it happened quite quickly. We had a chat and I told I got a 30 euros "gift card" (dunno what its called in English) to one restaurant. He asked me if I had someone to go there with. I said no and he asked me out. Well we had fun. We got big plate of antipasto for starters and a bottle of red wine. He ate lamb fillet and I took saltimbocca. For dessert we took couple drinks and we get back at my place to watch Saturday nights TV shows (Survivors and CSI). Restaurant bill was over 100 euros (and we split it). I had fun. We laughed a lot and we were quite drunk actually.

Nothing more happened though. He had hard on at one point but we never even got into kissing or anything like that. I would have wanted to satisfy him though... with hand or mouth. But I didn’t feel like wanting the whole thing with him – yet anyway. It would have been more than ok for me to give him some pleasure. I mean I like him and I like pleasing people. I love it when I see someone moaning from pleasure and knowing that I’m causing it. But it would have been more like from friend to friend – not too passionate or romantic. I wouldn’t have wanted any wet kisses or let him touch me. So I didn’t even suggest it. It would have felt too weird to suggest something like that and it would have possibly ruined the otherwise good mood we got. Still I kind of regret it.

He left before midnight and I was kind of frustrated after that. I was dying to socialize with people but had no one to chat with.

Then during last night I saw a really weird dream. It was very long one and I woke up multiple times during it. After waking up it continued always a bit differently so I guess its futile to even try to remember and tell any sensible story about it. I don’t know where I was but there was this group of girls I was with. It was like some kind of “fight club” or something. We were all preparing for boxing match or wrestling or something. At one point we actually fought. I remember getting beated at twice but also winning one girl. It wasn’t too violent or anything – more like hot. There was one girl I was dying to get beated by (because she just looked like a girl of my dreams – well she kind of was). I was just wanting to wrestle with her and end up under her.

After some fighting we all went to some parties. I remember I had some bleeding cuts in my face but they didn’t hurt at all. I remember that the really good looking girl was named Jenni. I tried to hit on her but I don’t remember succeeding.

The end of the dream was really disturbing. Someone came into that party and shot some people. Everyone were just running and there were dead bodies around. The party place had turned into a subway station and I got into subway train. And that’s about as much as I remember it anymore.

Really confusing one but I was really going hot from the fights with girls in my dream. I just wonder. I go to date with a guy and then I see very lesbian flavored dream next night.

Life is weird and so am I.

Lunch Break Post

Yesterday I had webcam chat with H. She's just so adorable. She was silly singing happily along with some old Disney songs. Heh... and I almost melted into my chair watching her. *sigh* I start smiling like nuts when I even think about it. Yup I got it quite bad I guess. I feel like drawing hearts or something silly like that when I think about her.

Why oh why she cant A) live next door, B) be single, C) like girls? Just not fair :D

But I guess Ill be reasonable enough not to get too serious with this. What you cant get always seems twice more attractive. Actually I feel like being in pretty good mood again. I know next deadline is closing again but this time I think it wont be too awful. I just need to start working early enough and it will be ok. I'm much more worried about my social life now. About only thing I do with my friends is that I go playing badminton every week with some of my friends. Lately somehow the atmosphere even there has been somewhat bored. It bugs me. I need that one regular meeting with my friends - I don't want to give up that.

I just thought yesterday how long time ago it was when I asked people to come here. I mean I haven't had parties or even more casual evenings with anyone for some while. That need to change and I should do it now when I'm in decent mood. When I go down I will unable to again. Also I wonder if I should try to start clubbing again. I used to go to nightclubs at least once per week some years ago. It would bring at least some kind of social activity. Now I hardly go anywhere and if I go I don't have fun. Maybe I'm just getting too old for that. My friends don't do that anymore either - they all have their relationships now. But going to clubs would give a reason to get friends with other people who go there.

Wednesday Post

I have been a poor blogger lately... It just seems to be difficult to start writing. I also haven’t read other’s blogs for a while. I kind of feel bad since there’s many good ones out there I would like to read.

Today my muscles have been aching. Either I managed to break something in badminton on Monday or I’m catching cold. Well I hope thick blanket and hot chocolate helps what ever it is. Yesterday I cleaned up properly. I don’t even know how long time ago I had vacuum cleaned before that. There seemed to be dust everywhere. I cant understand why its so hard to spend even 1 hour per month to clean up places. Though this is not too much an issue of depression. I know lots of alone living people who don’t clean up regularly.

Talking about depression… Lately there has been lots of talking about it in news. Studies show that every third girl in university has at least some kind of problems with it. And every fifth Finnish person experiences severe depression at some point of life time. Really a national disease. No wonder this is the land of suicides. I got appointment with new psychiatrist on Friday. Lets see if things start to get going again. I have been thinking only studies and those deadline lately. Time to think about something else again.

Hard Week Over

The hard week is over.

Thursday went almost as well as I could have hoped. When I got home I just peeled off clothes, went to hot shower and sat there on floor for long time. I went to bed about right after that. On Friday I watched TV most of the day. On evening I visited my parents (who were more or less angry because I hadn’t seen them for month or so).

I guess I’m gradually getting rid of the stress. But other problems still stay. I haven’t talked with H for some while. I don’t think she is too keen on talking with me anymore. I really hate this. I’m in a constant fight with myself. H has said that she likes me but I cant know if was just to cheer me up. I might say something like that myself just to cheer up someone.

I talked with N today. She said that she doesn’t feel too talkative and she wasn’t. It was very uncomfortable and she didn’t even try hide the fact that she wasn’t interested in talking with me.

Time goes on but problems remain same… I have had really hard time to write anything. I have looked this blog several times thinking that I should post but I just feel like I have to force the words out.

Busy Week Almost Over

Almost week again since I last wrote. I have been really busy now. Yesterday it was about 9 pm when I came back from university. I have one seminar coming up and I’m required to write a paper for it and hold a presentation. Then I have this project which has been going on for some time already. Its not going too well and we have lots of problems now. I have basically done my share already but since I seem to be only one who knows some required things I’m basically stuck with it all the time. And then I got this flash work to do. It must be ready tomorrow. Besides those I really haven’t had any time to do anything else. I almost haven’t watched TV at all. I have hours and hours programs recorded and waiting for this period to end.

Tomorrow is going to be tough day. I need to have my flash work ready and demonstrate it. Right after that is customer meeting of the project. I think it will be late again when I’m home. But Friday should be free. I think I’ll just sleep late and then watch videos and such. Ill try to get back at posting again when after tomorrow.

My mom called yesterday. I had just got home and I was eating when she called. She was more or less angry to me because I haven’t called her for a month or so. I guess I should visit them this weekend.

Back To Posting

I haven't written for a while... Didn't feel like writing for some reason. On Saturday I went my friend's birthday & moving parties. It was boring actually. I wasn't in mood for it at all. I just waited that it would be late enough to leave.

Somehow I have been in quite good mood. Not depressed but a bit anxious though. I have been busy due the project I'm working on now and it seems it causes more stress than I can handle. I had stomach pains on Monday and they still haven't properly gone away. But its not all bad. I have couple times felt like my mood would go down but I have hanged on and managed to stay "above" depression. It does a lot when I just can keep social. It almost feels like all my problems would be tied to relationships with other people. As long as everything goes well its all good but when something goes wrong, and I cant find strength to fix it, I come crashing down. Of course by "going wrong" I mean little things like that someone does not say "hi" or such.

Its kind of sad. I'm now already so pessimistic that I just cant help thinking that its only matter of time when the suicidal period hits me. This time it will be a lot worse. Now I have been social and in some ways I can say that I got couple friends I'm in touch almost daily. When I become very depressed its very likely that those friendships will cool down. It will be very likely that I get extremely hurt realizing that those friendships meant so much more to me...