Memories: Cousin Calls
Some time ago I was playing PE when my cousin called me. I had just been about as down as a person can be. I had cheered up enough to talk with people again and I was having couple drinks and relaxing. So she called me, I answered and we started to chat. I was actually quite happy with her calling me. She asked me how I am (she didn’t know about my depression) and for some reason I told her truth. I told her that I had been depressed for long time. She went silent for a moment and then started asking things. I got scared with myself already by telling her about the depression at all. What people think about me is very important for me - what someone I love thinks about me, is the most important thing. And there I was telling my closest friend some shocking things. I was so afraid I felt I could faint. But I kept telling her the truth. Telling her that I had been depressed long time, that I didn’t tell it to anyone, that I almost had cut my wrists earlier (not to kill myself but to harm and for the pain), that I was pretty screwed with my studies and so on...
She went mad. She started shouting me in phone. I was in total shock. The person who I thought to be first one I could tell got furious when I told. No empathy, no comforting words - just anger for 'me treating her wrong because I didn’t tell earlier'. I was really hurt. I tried to explain but I don’t think she understood or listened at all. She threated to call my mother and tell her. I absolutely forbid her to do that. It was almost like worst nightmare – she would call my mother, who probably call me same minute and probably be just as angry as my cousin. And every one would know it soon. And everyone would be hurt and angry for me. I told my cousin that I would kill myself if she tells. Then I hung up and closed my mobile phone. I was really shocked. I went back to computer but I had hard time thinking anything. My hands were shaking I felt my fingers freezing. It took me several hours to start crying. I cried all night and started crying again when I woke up next morning.
I was really lost with what to do. I didn’t have anyone to talk with… I just sat on sofa and thought about different options. I thought how could I explain that I was lying about the depression or something… something that would restore things back. All the time I was afraid to hear someone ringing door bell – I still got my mobile phone closed.
Some time later – cant remember if it was same day or next – I wrote an email to my cousin, trying to explain things again. I tried to explain that I had wanted to tell her but I couldn’t. That their opinion about me counted a lot – too much to be risked. I got answer from her which promised not to tell my mother and suggested that I would get some professional help. But the tone of ‘close friend’ was missing. I don’t think we are really friends anymore. And I’m pretty clueless how could I explain things to her… on the other hand I’m not sure if she wants depressed me to be her friend… we haven’t talked much since. Just couple lines when meeting somewhere. I hope that after seeing psychologist and possibly getting into some kind of therapy friendship could be rebuilt… dunno… :(
*cries*
She went mad. She started shouting me in phone. I was in total shock. The person who I thought to be first one I could tell got furious when I told. No empathy, no comforting words - just anger for 'me treating her wrong because I didn’t tell earlier'. I was really hurt. I tried to explain but I don’t think she understood or listened at all. She threated to call my mother and tell her. I absolutely forbid her to do that. It was almost like worst nightmare – she would call my mother, who probably call me same minute and probably be just as angry as my cousin. And every one would know it soon. And everyone would be hurt and angry for me. I told my cousin that I would kill myself if she tells. Then I hung up and closed my mobile phone. I was really shocked. I went back to computer but I had hard time thinking anything. My hands were shaking I felt my fingers freezing. It took me several hours to start crying. I cried all night and started crying again when I woke up next morning.
I was really lost with what to do. I didn’t have anyone to talk with… I just sat on sofa and thought about different options. I thought how could I explain that I was lying about the depression or something… something that would restore things back. All the time I was afraid to hear someone ringing door bell – I still got my mobile phone closed.
Some time later – cant remember if it was same day or next – I wrote an email to my cousin, trying to explain things again. I tried to explain that I had wanted to tell her but I couldn’t. That their opinion about me counted a lot – too much to be risked. I got answer from her which promised not to tell my mother and suggested that I would get some professional help. But the tone of ‘close friend’ was missing. I don’t think we are really friends anymore. And I’m pretty clueless how could I explain things to her… on the other hand I’m not sure if she wants depressed me to be her friend… we haven’t talked much since. Just couple lines when meeting somewhere. I hope that after seeing psychologist and possibly getting into some kind of therapy friendship could be rebuilt… dunno… :(
*cries*
posted by rakastuja at 11:10 AM
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