Coffee Break

Project meeting done. Flash works done. Everything has gone fine and I'm just waiting for the customer meeting. After that the date and later some sports.

I guess I should be in good mood but I just restless. I hate to admit it but I got that stupid "everyone hate me" feeling hauting me again. Someone who was supposed to didn't call me, I didn't get some emails I expected to get and so on. That's enough to ruin my day... I was really surprised when I read the borderline description about fear of rejection and abandonment. "Just like I am" - was my first thought.

Here's little quoting of things that explain a lot of me:
Many BPs (bordelines), although loaded with talents and positive qualities, fail to see anything good or positive about themselves. This means I can't understand why anybody would spend time with me and I sense abandonment and rejection at every possible opportunity. The feeling that someone will leave me thereby stealing part of who I am and confirming all my fears about my deep deep unloveability is one of the worst and most terrifying feelings in the world. 'Normies' feel that too to some extent, however their rejection/abandonment triggers aren't quite so sensitive and difficult to appease.

Really small things can make me think that someone is trying to leave me or has had enough of me. These can be things from not laughing at a joke, not smiling, not phoning me as arranged, to outright telling me to piss off and so on. However, trying to reassure a BP is like shovelling snow in a blizzard. Often the more you tell a BP you like/love them, the less they'll believe you. I get to the point where I think people are 'just saying it' and my whole original negative-thinking battle ends up being reinforced rather than dissipated.

The 'frantic efforts' can involve a range of behaviours and feelings, often starting with:
'hyper vigilance' - seeking out any possible clue, however tiny, that someone is going to leave (abandon) or be rejecting. If you know someone with BPD then you might realise they have an uncanny ability to read non-verbal cues such as body language, tone of voice and facial expression to gauge someone else's mood. But for someone with BPD all roads tend to lead inwards and anger (or any other negative emotion) in another is automatically anger at the borderline. If it's not my fault it's there (which takes some convincing), then I must only be making it worse. And if it's my fault...then...OH MY GOD...they're going to leave...leave me on my own because I've upset them, I've made them feel worse. That's it, they're going......How can I stop them?

normal things - asking people what's wrong, ignoring my troubles in favour of theirs, trying always to be nice to people and never upset people, never letting people know if they've hurt or upset me etc. But it's not working, they're still going...

So sad and so stupid. I always realize it happening. I know it - I can usually well point out "now I'm feeling wrong". I can fight it. Fighting has two outcomes. First is that I become distant - when reacting too strongly its easier not to reach at all. I become cold and distant. Second, I get exhausted. Its really consuming to override what you feel and "act" outwards what you would be supposed feel. Latter is what I usually do irl. That's why I get so exhausted when I have met people. When it goes on long enough I just cant keep it up and I finally break down.

I gotta stop now. I cant start crying before customer meeting.

Edited: some spelling and italic style