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Back at home. It was a boring trip. I had time to think… time to think way too much. I just feel bad – every day and night. I think I’m facing again situation where no one contacts me. No one cares to call me or talk with me. When I happen to be in a good mood I’m quite extrovert. I get friends. I take lots of initiatives. Its always me who starts chatting. Its always me calls or emails people. Then when I’m down again, I’m all alone. No one wants to talk or be with me. If I contact people they seem nice and wanting to talk with me but still they never contact me on their own. What is it? Acting? Maybe I just misunderstand their politeness. Maybe its just them being normally nice and polite when someone calls while they really couldn’t care less. Maybe I'm just a weirdo they have to tolerate around. They cant say what they really think about me because they know I'm depressed. They just try to minimize the amount of time they spend with me.

I think about death daily. I think about how I would die. What it would be like? Who would find my body and how would s/he react? What kind of funerals I would have? What people would say about me when I wouldn’t be around anymore? Who all would come to my funeral? Would they cry for real sorrow?

I’m having a minicrush on one girl. Its totally stupid. She has a boyfriend. She lives in another country. We don’t even know each other too well. I just cant help it. I think its just what is meant with idealization. I cant think anything bad about her. She seems like some kind of superhuman. So cute. So friendly. So full of life – like I used to be.