Me Versus Phobia

I took about an hour long shower and I though how well my own fear of rejection is actually comparable with acrophobia (the fear of heights). Those with acrophobia usually know extremely well how stupid their fear is. They know that a sightseeing tower, for example, is totally safe. Nothing bad can happen if they climb up there. Still the fear is immense. Sometimes it can be overcome it with sheer will power. Other times it just impossible. But even if they overcome it, they most likely barely can enjoy the view – and they are very likely to experience huge relief when they come back down. Getting rid of phobia can be hard. Though many phobias are based on childhood experiences and can be cured with new, better experiences.

I don’t have phobia but I do often feel wrong in situations with people. That feeling mechanism is really hard to change. It often causes that my mind really rages in social situations. Its really rare that I can totally relax when there’s people around. Rare without alcohol. When drunk I can go long times without any backround thinking. I call it backround thinking when I go through all options in my mind to give people the image I want to give. I really don’t know how it is with other. It does seem to me that they just relax and have idly chatting – that they don’t really think through all they say and that their reactions are really reactions not prethought responses. I usually feel extremely uncomfortable if I’m forced into situation where I cant plan my responses – where I need to react right away. I guess that means I don’t like to be the center of attention but more like stay a bit side (but still visible). Only exception is performing (like having a presentation). There I love to be the center of attention because I have it all planned. I have nothing but best grades from presentations through the school (which is partly because I simply have to give my best effort when so many people are watching).
One long rant again…