Avoiding Studying

Right now I should be studying hard for exams. I should be...

Studying for exams is prolly only thing I haven't done today. Its just not fair to have exams more often than sex :)

I have been thinking one criteria of BPD diagnosis: lack of 'core' identity. Its describes that BPDs don't really have image what they are and what they want to be. I find myself most of time thinking through others. Caricatyrically when normal person looks in mirror she thinks "I look good" - when I look in mirror I often find myself thinking "they (i.e. at parties) will think I look good". Most of what I see in myself goes through what I want others to see in myself. Its all about maximizing acceptance and minimizing rejections. Its a constant mental play where I try to look in best possible way in the eyes of others. With look I don't mean only appearance but everything.

I called myself 'social chameleon' long before I even heard about BPD. I have always been very quick to blend in. I learn manners and slang very fast - or at least start using them. Some people have their original dialect and manners even years after changing to completely new environment. I change mine in matter of hours. I guess its all about fear of being rejected. Which possibly boils down to lack of identity. If I don't who I am - I need to think it through how other people see me. Who they think I am. If other people reject me, they must think that I'm completely bad and worthless :(