Morning Thoughts

I stayed home yesterday. I would love to stay today too but I think I need to go to work at least to attend one meeting. My throat isnt hurting that much anymore but Im still not feeling too good.

My cousin called me second time. It didnt really go any better. Well maybe a bit but I was still upset after it. This time really upset - not down like usually after this kind of things.

I published my second story (or actually submitted it for publishing). I'll post link to it as soon as it gets published. I'm really surprised how good ratings my first story has got. My first story and it still hangs in first page of Literotica's Top Masturbation stories.

I dont think this story will do as good but it's not really same kind of polished work - more like just lettings thoughts flow on paper. Im still totally dumbfound by the tone Im writing about M. Somehow I have hard time admitting that I actually kind of adore her.

Well I have to admit that I have never had so good sex with anyone (and I hate "rating" partners). Maybe I really need some domination aspect to really get into it. Or maybe it was the fact that she was so open in what she wanted and how she enjoyed. Maybe it made me feel comfortable and secure like nothing before. Im totally unable to enjoy or relax if I feel that my partner isnt enjoying. For me its a horrible situation.

Is my thing for submission then the fact that dominant person is supposed to clearly tell you what s/he wants of you? Please take your pleasure so that I could enjoy and feel good?

Just remembered how I wondered about anal sex one day recently. (I have a whole "essay" coming up.) It just struct me that I havent ever even thought about not having anal sex. I have immense fear of rejection. Porn pretty much presents that all men want anal sex. So I guess I took it as a basic "requirement" to be able to be with men. Of course I knew that not all women like it. And that its more like minority of couples who have anal sex.

But the point is that I guess my fear of being rejected has lots to do with some kind of belief deep inside that men and women - especially in relationships - dont actually like each other. Dunno. I have hard time trying to put it in words what Im trying to say...

Maybe Im trying to say that I feel that many people just stick in their relationships and friendships without really even liking each other. Just sticking because its something they have been used to. And when turning that to sex: couples just stick doing things they are used to do in bed - not what they really would want to do. Then they secretly think bad about their partners and become cynical and bitter.

I have now tried to rewrite that couple times but it wont turn out in right way. Ignore or dont take it too seriously. Im just trying to pursue something behind all this.

Borderline personality disorder is suspected to come from childhood insecurity. I remember at one point my parents was going to broke up. But my problem is that I dont really remember things from my childhood. Just bits from here and there. Did it cause all this? Did it leave me a feeling that I cant be myself to be liked but something better?

Dunno. I need to talk about this with my psychologist (when I finally manage to get appointmet time).