Feelings Or No Feelings?

So I had coffee with M yesterday.

We talked this and that. Mostly just some general stuff. We didn't talk too much in her parties on Saturday anyway.

You know when you think about something in your past and you start to remember it as good thing? I mean like school and such. You tend to remember how fun you had there and start to miss all the good things. Same time you forget how it generally sucked.

Well not all people disliked school - I did. But now I remember that I disliked it, not the actual disliking feeling.

I'm afraid its same with M. Maybe I'm just very fond of all good memories and forget totally that I didn't like her enough to start a relationship with her.

I talked with N. I gave her permission to show my latest (currently unpublished) story to her boyfriend. Last night I went "Oh my god! What will he think when he sees me next time after reading it?" (We don't meet face to face but in forums etc where we are connected, he knows my real forename and sees my face pic).

Its a story about me and M. Again everything in it has happened. Not maybe exactly as written but still. And in that story I lick her asshole. Is he going to think for now on "that's the girl who licked that other girl's asshole" every time when he sees me?

But back to M. I'm tempted to show her that story. I know if someone would write a story about me I would like to see it. However I'm hesitating. Why? Because it has humiliating parts? Of course not. She knows what happened. She did/made me do those things on purpose. She knows that I loved it.

So why?

Because I'm afraid she thinks I'm in love with her. When I read the story myself I see myself talking about her in a kind of adoring - even in cuddly - tone. I'm afraid to let her know that I actually miss her.

This is stupid. And it feels even more stupid when written.

I shouldn't be ashamed of my feelings. I should acknowledge myself that I don't need to start relationship with her even if I would have feelings for her.

Do I just feel weak in front of her? Do I keep my emotions inside because I'm afraid to lose control? She likes to dominate me. I like to let her dominate me. Am I just trying to hold back my emotions to keep some control myself? As long as I'm not in love with her I still have some power myself. If I would be in love, would I be lost totally in her control?

Oh shit what I'm writing...