After Lunch Post

I watched anime Neon Genesis Evangelion this morning. It had a episode consisting only about that Shinji having somekind of self talk/evaluation time. I haven't been too interested about the series (but it goes well while having breakfast), but this time it really touched something inside me. First I thought "this is silly" but then I more and more realized that it was almost like from my life.

I'm playing around with WAP now. I have had WAP capability in my phone for long time but now as company pays phone bills I actually have checked what it is about. Funny how I still find time to play with my mobile phone... I'm having a stress time at work now. I'm in trouble with one document I should have had ready already. And right now I should be writing it but here I am writing this.

I wonder what should I do with M. I send her a message but no answer so far. I'm feeling uncomfortable as I don't know what is really going on between us. Does she actually want to be with me? I guess she is again just more interested about friends&sex -kind of thing. What about me? No idea...

One thing with M is that I feel she doesn't let me close. She seems somehow distant when it comes to many everyday things. Its like she would be hiding things or something. Or maybe I'm just imagining?

I haven't felt too cheerful this week. Is it just work stress and some individual jerks? Or does it have something do with what happened during weekend? Why would I get sad for having great intimate moments?

Part of me would want to call M and beg her treat me badly... Hurt me and use me. Why cant I fantasize about cuddly sweet things? Shouldn't I dream about enjoying and feeling good, not about getting hurt?

This post was probably 50% just questions...