Long Monday Post

Sometimes I have weird moments of self-understanding. I almost like am able to look myself from outside and put things in bigger picture.

Sometimes those moments make me sad.

A lot of sexual things have been going through my mind. But I now more and more aware also about my motives. Sometimes I end up wondering if sexual pleasure really gives me sexual pleasure anymore. Like I have said before sex is easy way to get attention and acceptance.

And I love attention. Certain kind of attention. I have never been able to point out if I'm truly extrovert or introvert. I seem to be both depending on mood. Same thing goes with being in center of attention. I love or hate it depending on mood.

When I first times read about how Borderline behavior is kind of childish and how they tend to be really impatient and need what they want immediately, I always thought that it doesn't fit me at all. Since I have been a kid I have always thought I'm patient and I can control myself.

Self-control and patience are something I have always seen as good things. I have learned them and I think I'm pretty good in them. But on other hand, lately I feel they are also just a part of that mask I have. I have self-control and patience because they are something I think makes me nicer and more acceptable person. They help me to get accepted and liked.

I know that I'm way more impatient than most people could imagine. That is partly why I get hurt so easily. My idea about time just doesn't match well with other people. I can send someone an email and get sad if I don't get answer next day. Especially this happens when I'm waiting someone's opinion on something related to me.

Its happened again with my second erotic story. I send it to my friend and she says "I'll read it right away". I'm couple hours away from computer and when I come back I find myself really disappointed that there's no email waiting. Then I think "ok she sends it tomorrow". Then tomorrow no email. I go on thinking that maybe she didn't like it. Maybe she found it repulsive but didn't just want to say it straight. Maybe I now kind of crossed the line and she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

Now I was in pretty good mood and I didn't sink into total despair but I still cant avoid that kind of thinking. And I'm ashamed of it. I feel like hurt but I know its mostly my own thoughts hurting myself. I cant really explain it to people around me and even if I could would it make a difference? I cant really tell it afterwards either. I don't want to make them feel bad because I'm not normal. So I kind of end up just suffering myself.

So far I don't really have a clue what I could do for it. I go with same kind of thinking no matter if I'm happy or sad. Only difference is in effect it has me. It always do drop my mood but if I'm ok I can usually take it. If I'm already sad, I take it really hard. I do recognize that I'm thinking in wrong way. I keep telling me that my thoughts are going to stupid direction. I just cant help it.