Past Midnight Dilemma

What you are is pretty much how you react... I mean your personality - everything - is kind of set of values which tell how you react to situations. Its something that makes you unique.

And if personality disorder then is an unbalance of those values. They are a bit wrong causing you to suffer among others. Obviously the cure is to change those values to normal. To change personality to normal. What does that mean? If you are cured are you the same person anymore? Is only mean to cure personality disorder to kill the person you are now and make someone else?

Morning Thoughts

Now thinking about yesterday again I feel a bit ashamed. I mean really "mature behavior" going to masturbate at lecture hall... Yesterday I was really excited about it. I even had to tell N about it. I wonder what she thinks about me now. I guess in her eyes I got a weirdo's image already.

I think I tend to do something like this - something weird - always when I get sudden mood improvement. It actually feels like getting tipsy. But on otherhand its not that bad thing. Far better than hurting myself or such. It was pretty pleasurable anyway. Not maybe same way pleasurable as masturbating at home but it has some excitement in it. And being able to do such feels ticklish inside. It feels like I would have won a challenge. Better not still turn this to a habbit.

I'm Nuts

I’m nuts. I’m totally nuts… I masturbated today during a lecture at university.

I don’t know why it actually went that way. I didn’t plan it or anything. I just went to the lecture, sat on back row and sunk in half sleeping position. No one else came that far back so I was totally alone there. For some reason I just unbuttoned my jeans a bit and pushed my hand into my pants. People there were so far away that I really needed just to keep my mouth shut and no one knew what I was doing.

I have to admit that even if didn’t plan it now its something I have thought many times before. It was great. I felt ticklish and cheerful rest of the day. I just think I’ll be blush totally for sometime now when ever I think about it. :)

Useless Day

I sat crying over an hour in hot shower this morning.

I talked with H today in messenger. She did good job cheering me up again. Just so sweet person. Its pain to start talking to someone. Usually it feels that I would really need to grab someone’s arm and make them listen to me. And that’s really hard to do when you are sunken in your depression and “no one like me” –state.

TV-series L-World started yesterday on TV. I watched it a bit today. Looked really good. I like so rare TV-series. Actually I like to watch CSI, CSI Miami, 24 and Farscape. I also watch some reality series like The Amazing Race and such (not any of those dating/relationship ones – I hate them). L-World looked quite promising. It was way more hot than I would have thought. I mean more explicitly sexual. I guess it holds still what they say: 90% of all lesbian/bi themes are there for hetero males. I cant say the characters there matched too well “stereotypical lesbians” but on other hand I like it that way. Have to watch it a bit more to have better opinion on it.

I have a free day today and so far I have managed mostly to cry. I actually don’t have any idea where the whole day went… its 8 pm already and I haven’t done anything sensible today. Maybe tomorrow then. Tomorrow starts an important course. I need to be at least somewhat ok there.

Feeling Of The Day

Yesterday was bad already but today I feel totally miserable.

Nervous

I'm restless and nervous. Haven't been able to concentrate on anything today. I have the psysical symptoms again. Quick pulse, shaky and restless feeling, difficulties breathing in and chest pains. I think deep down I know that next phase in my mood is the suicidal/self harm again.

It scares me. And discourages. Its like waiting for bad news which might arrive any second now.

Night Talk

I had my friends birthday parties yesterday. A bit something social for a while. Only weird thing was that I saw a dream on night before it. A sexual one. About her. Makes me wonder what is wrong with me. I mean I really haven’t thought about her that way ever before. But good thing is that I didn’t much remember it during parties.

It was actually fun. We went to Japanese restaurant and then couple bars after that. I hardly knew anyone else there except my friend but it didn’t matter. Everyone were just nice and had fun.

Today I had a bit hang over. I drank quite a lot yesterday. I think I got couple stares in a way like “how can you drink that much and not be more drunk”. I guess practise makes perfect in this thing too.

Today I have been more and more sad again. I really, really would need someone who would be initiative. Someone who would even once call me and somehow show that s/he wants to be talk with me. That almost never happens. I wonder if I would stop making initiatives how long I would be alone… forever? Also it just happens all the time that someone says something like “lets talk later” but they never come back. Do they just except that I keep trying to contact them all the time to see if they happen to have time now?

I react usually extremely strongly to certain things. One such thing is rape and how some people talk and joke about it. I just cant think that “he’s just asshole – I don’t need to mind him”. I cant. I don’t get angry. I more like boil from rage. Its very common that my hands shake from all what goes inside me. I rarely show it. I just keep it inside. Since I have been a kid I have somehow learned that its wrong to let out all such things. I think I should try to get things out more often but usually I feel that my reactions are way too extreme. I don’t like or dislike – I love and hate. I know that its usually wrong and stupid to feel that way. Its better to just keep it all inside and try to make my feelings clear more subtle way.

I guess this is why I feel that being with people is mostly acting. Showing only things that you are supposed to feel. Never showing what really goes inside of you. Its not maybe totally stupid to get angry for 14 years old kid talk joking about “raping” someone you know but still its not maybe worth of getting totally furious for hours and having hard time even sitting down.

Busy Week

Studying really started again.

Seems like this week will be filled with long days at university. On Monday and Tuesday I was there until they closed the place. Today might be same. I needed to cancel my time with psychiatrist. Hopefully I can meet that new one in beginning of next week. I feel better now I guess. I have been so busy that I haven't had too much time to stop thinking. I just hope I manage this week and next week - then it should become a bit more easier.

But I looked my studies more closely in beginning of this week and it doesn't look so bad anymore. I think I might be able to start my graduation work on next summer. After I get it done I might take a proper break from everything. Maybe empty my bank account and have a quiet vacation on deserted tropical island or something.

Journalspace looked good first but now I'm having problems there. It seems that there any editing of older post will change its place in blog. It really wont work with diary type blog. I mean if I correct spelling or a link in older post I don't want to remove it from right place. After all my posts are mostly about events related to original posting date not to possible editing date.

Yesterday I realised that its been really long time since I actually did any clubbing or such. I haven't been at bars or nightclubs for long time. I wonder if I danced at all during last year. But on other hand I'm not sure if I would like to anymore. My friends don't really go out much anymore. Most of them go steady with someone and prefer staying home or bar at suburbs.

Gotta go again... I'll hope to post a bit more again during next days...

Less Tired Today

Last night went pretty well. I slept tight even though I woke up twice. I saw funny dream which actually made me smile during whole breakfast. In that dream I was having sex with my ex boyfriend while his current girlfriend watched. It wasn't too sexual or arousing dream at all. Just funny. I felt kind of embarrassed in it and I tried to explain her that "this is nothing - no need to get upset". I dont think she even got upset... she was more like bored looking us two.

Weird but kind of ticklish.

Blog moving is still in progress. I wish I would have just neat way to download all old post from here and upload there. I guess there is no such option. Have to copy paste everything manually.

Sleep Troubles

I have been a mess couple last days. Last night was first time since Wednesday when I got properly sleep. I would have wanted to write about how I feel bad but I just couldn’t make myself to do it.

Thursday-Friday were really hard. Cant properly write about them anymore. I just felt totally abandoned. But I guess I’m better now. Hopefully I can carry on moving my blog and finally get some school work done before I’m in too big troubles.

New Blog Host

I have started moving my blog to another host. New host will be journalspace and it will hopely work better. Its quite a job - I have way over 50 posts and I plan to move all comments too. For some while I guess I'll keep both blogs to compare which to keep. At journalspace I can see who all have referred me, I can have extra html-page, polls etc.

I'll soon add links to there. Currently I'm still tinkering with blog template there.

Dream Like A Movie

Sometimes I see dreams which are very movie-like. On Sunday-Monday night I saw a really weird dreams that possibly would be a great movie. I was in some kind of underground complex. There was dark and shady dolphinario where people were allowed to swim along dolphins. I of course swam there but most people just were there to watch. But somehow I knew there was a murderer too. I raised up from pool and someone was killed.

Then it went really absurd.

Everyone turned into streams... every person was ever diving stream - kind of timeline of possible actions. I saw everyone there in theirs streams but streams also showed where they had come and all possible places where they would go. And I was kind of separated from that. I was free to walk among those timelines and throught people. Somehow I knew that the murderer was free in same way. I saw the murderer - a person without stream - and followed him through long corridor to underground railway station. He saw me there and went into train. I didn't know if I should follow him or not. I did though. I went to same train. It was completely empty and dark. I sat on seat and tried to keep an eye that he couldnt surprise me.

Then I woke up.

don't know what to say about it... absurd :)

Lectures, Exams, Lectures, Exams...

Now it really starts again... studying...

I’m really considering dropping couple courses away and taking this spring a bit easier. It just means I’ll probably spend one year longer in studying though… It also probably means that I need to explain some people why my studies would take that one year. A complete coming out of the closet with depression?

Somehow I doubt. I would make excuses like “they didn’t organize right courses this year or such”. Hate it. I’m not sure what I want actually. What if I manage to really do well this spring? I could graduate within this year. But then I would have to go to work. Waking up every morning, working… could I stand it? Do I even want it?

Maybe I should get only a part time job. Just enough work that I get bills paid. But then I would probably spend the extra free time at home. If I just can stand working I guess it would be best for me after all. To have a clear reason to get up every morning, to have something to think every day.

Then there is the third choice… pack some clothes to backpack and get away from everything. If I would get rid of this apartment and rent, I would easily travel a year as a backpacker. I once said that its stupid to make suicide at home. When everything utterly sucks, why not to just to sell all and go where ever you have wanted to go? I mean you can do that suicide as well at Bahamas. But I guess I’m not leaving. I’m too tied here. I love travelling but I also love being back at home.

Changing Psychiatrist

I spoke with H yesterday and today too :)

I remembered one funny thing yesterday... Probably a year ago or so in that mmorpg I had a friend. She was older, really fun and, I guess, hot tempered woman. Dunno how to explain it without going into details of that game but anyway I succeeded right away in something she had been trying for some time and she went totally nuts. She send me prolly a dozen messages like "you sssslut!" and so on. I was just thinking "Oh my god.. more please!". Heh... that was among the the most weird and most surprising turn ons that have happened :D

It feels really silly to say that those messages had an effect on me - but I guess it was just the total surprise and the fact that I knew that she really wasn't angry, just totally envious.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I guess it went well. I wont be seeing her anymore. We talked and concluded that I should talk with some other person since I cant seem to do it properly with her. I thought I would feel really bad saying it to her but she understood it. I guess it happens all the time. All people just don't fit together. I also handled it myself quite well I think - I usually have big problems admitting that things don't work with someone.

Drugs Maybe

Ok. It was a mistake to tell H about crush. Now she says cheerfully "hi" but always has something else to do after a minute or two... :(

I'm really fast running out of people who still want to talk with me...

I have an appointment tomorrow with my psychologist... Or actually with my psychiatrist. Didn't really pay attention to that difference before. I didn't even know about the difference - though that they are same but she's latter because she can prescribe drugs. And about drugs it will be I guess. About first thing I said was I don't want any drugs. I can handle this without medicine. I have to reconsider now. Maybe they would do the difference.

I just hate the idea of antidepressants. How do they differ from the dose of alcohol I take daily to improve my mood? Other than having a lot longer list of side effects... Also I doubt they change the way I think and feel. Would they just make me ignorantly feel good? Or manical? I have sometimes had manical periods when I'm in good mood and energic but I still go through same background thinking.

Disturbing

I having really disturbing thoughts today. Suicide was first thought I had after opening my eyes on the morning. After that I have been somehow craving to get hurted, beated, raped, humiliated - just somehow hurt... Maybe I wish to have clear reason feel bad to take pity on myself or something. I dont like this.

No Ones Best Friend

I told H about my crush. Not sure if it was wise thing to do. Hard to say how she experiences that. But I cant keep it inside and I guess its better to warn. I think when I'll get into kind of desperate mood I can do something really stupid to get attention.

I'm feeling really lonely again. It will just get worse soon. When I'm in good mood I can get myself into chats and social situations. I can be initiative and start chatting. In poor mood I cant do that - and I always experience same thing - no one wants to chat with me anymore. I guess I'm just occasional friend. Good to have when I'm in happy mood but someone who is not needed around when I'm not. I don't really seem to have any so close friends that they would contact me daily or even every couple days if they don't hear anything about me. I mean usually everyone got far better friends to chat with if I'm quiet. I'm not someone they would specifically want with.

I'm no ones best friend it seems.

I got exam on Friday. Then another on next weeks Wednesday. I haven't started studying. I'm not sure I will. I simply have to pass those exams. Quite a lot things depends on them. I'm pretty sure I wont. No hope. Suddenly life sucks again a lot.

End Of Good Mood

Bad thing in being in a good mood is that you know its not going to last long. Its like climbing up an endless mountain. At some point you just get so exhausted that you'll lose the grip. And then you fall. And longer you have climbed, more it hurts.

I got much more to write about but I dont feel like writing now... maybe tomorrow then.

Sexual Things

I see ridiculous dreams all the time it seems. After chatting with H I saw a dream where we were having a casual chat but then she said that she needs to go because she have to give a blow job to her boyfriend. She even showed me a paper with stick figure -like drawing of her boyfriend with speak bubble which said "I like blow jobs". I was giggling when I woke up.

I saw also another dream but it was disturbingly perverted... need to think it over more before writing about it.

I think my libido goes hand in hand with my mood. Yesterday I had significantly better mood and I lost count how many times I masturbated. Several hours during day anyway. Feels a bit irritated down there. But I don't mind. I miss sessions like I had during summer. Hours and hours teasing myself without orgasm until I finally was almost in manical mood. Then after being on the edge several times already, the orgasm was really violent and shaking. Kind of orgasm that leaves you with cold sweat and tired, shaking body.

Moving

I think I'll try to move my blog to another service provider next week and also get another email address. My email address possibly stopped working totally and this blogger has couple bugs/missing features...

Lets see when I really got the time and effort to put to it.

It seems that my email address rakastuja@lovergirl.com wasnt working at all for couple days. It seems to work now again but I decided to get another email address: rakastuja@gmail.com. I will probably sooner or later abandon that old address totally.

New Years Day

Yesterday was kind of awful. I drank a lot, cried a bit, watched TV etc. I feel really lonely all the time anyway. Being alone whole New Year made it worse. I fell asleep (or I passed out - dunno really) on sofa quite early. Then after midnight I woke up feeling really bad. I opened computer and the girl I'm having crush on - I'll call her H now on - immediately said hi to me on msn messenger. We talked hours.

She's just so nice. She tried to cheer me up and she turned on webcam and wrote all kinds of silly things on her face. I basically giggled and cried same time. I had all the day thought how no one cares about me and then she saw all that trouble to make me smile. I just cant describe the feeling with words. I had crush on her earlier - now I go all mellow when I think about her. We talked long times about depression and self harming too. I just wish I could make her understand how much that meant for me - how big difference it did. I was so moved that even when I think it now I get tears in my eyes.

I saw dreams about her after I finally went to bed (somewhere after 5 am). I guess I really got it bad now. But I also know that I get almost one crush per month. All it needs is a right kind of person who is even a bit nice to me and there goes my heart. So I try hard not to get hurt this time and not to hurt others. And not to act stupid when reality finally hits me.