New Years Day

Yesterday was kind of awful. I drank a lot, cried a bit, watched TV etc. I feel really lonely all the time anyway. Being alone whole New Year made it worse. I fell asleep (or I passed out - dunno really) on sofa quite early. Then after midnight I woke up feeling really bad. I opened computer and the girl I'm having crush on - I'll call her H now on - immediately said hi to me on msn messenger. We talked hours.

She's just so nice. She tried to cheer me up and she turned on webcam and wrote all kinds of silly things on her face. I basically giggled and cried same time. I had all the day thought how no one cares about me and then she saw all that trouble to make me smile. I just cant describe the feeling with words. I had crush on her earlier - now I go all mellow when I think about her. We talked long times about depression and self harming too. I just wish I could make her understand how much that meant for me - how big difference it did. I was so moved that even when I think it now I get tears in my eyes.

I saw dreams about her after I finally went to bed (somewhere after 5 am). I guess I really got it bad now. But I also know that I get almost one crush per month. All it needs is a right kind of person who is even a bit nice to me and there goes my heart. So I try hard not to get hurt this time and not to hurt others. And not to act stupid when reality finally hits me.