Night Talk
I had my friends birthday parties yesterday. A bit something social for a while. Only weird thing was that I saw a dream on night before it. A sexual one. About her. Makes me wonder what is wrong with me. I mean I really haven’t thought about her that way ever before. But good thing is that I didn’t much remember it during parties.
It was actually fun. We went to Japanese restaurant and then couple bars after that. I hardly knew anyone else there except my friend but it didn’t matter. Everyone were just nice and had fun.
Today I had a bit hang over. I drank quite a lot yesterday. I think I got couple stares in a way like “how can you drink that much and not be more drunk”. I guess practise makes perfect in this thing too.
Today I have been more and more sad again. I really, really would need someone who would be initiative. Someone who would even once call me and somehow show that s/he wants to be talk with me. That almost never happens. I wonder if I would stop making initiatives how long I would be alone… forever? Also it just happens all the time that someone says something like “lets talk later” but they never come back. Do they just except that I keep trying to contact them all the time to see if they happen to have time now?
I react usually extremely strongly to certain things. One such thing is rape and how some people talk and joke about it. I just cant think that “he’s just asshole – I don’t need to mind him”. I cant. I don’t get angry. I more like boil from rage. Its very common that my hands shake from all what goes inside me. I rarely show it. I just keep it inside. Since I have been a kid I have somehow learned that its wrong to let out all such things. I think I should try to get things out more often but usually I feel that my reactions are way too extreme. I don’t like or dislike – I love and hate. I know that its usually wrong and stupid to feel that way. Its better to just keep it all inside and try to make my feelings clear more subtle way.
I guess this is why I feel that being with people is mostly acting. Showing only things that you are supposed to feel. Never showing what really goes inside of you. Its not maybe totally stupid to get angry for 14 years old kid talk joking about “raping” someone you know but still its not maybe worth of getting totally furious for hours and having hard time even sitting down.
It was actually fun. We went to Japanese restaurant and then couple bars after that. I hardly knew anyone else there except my friend but it didn’t matter. Everyone were just nice and had fun.
Today I had a bit hang over. I drank quite a lot yesterday. I think I got couple stares in a way like “how can you drink that much and not be more drunk”. I guess practise makes perfect in this thing too.
Today I have been more and more sad again. I really, really would need someone who would be initiative. Someone who would even once call me and somehow show that s/he wants to be talk with me. That almost never happens. I wonder if I would stop making initiatives how long I would be alone… forever? Also it just happens all the time that someone says something like “lets talk later” but they never come back. Do they just except that I keep trying to contact them all the time to see if they happen to have time now?
I react usually extremely strongly to certain things. One such thing is rape and how some people talk and joke about it. I just cant think that “he’s just asshole – I don’t need to mind him”. I cant. I don’t get angry. I more like boil from rage. Its very common that my hands shake from all what goes inside me. I rarely show it. I just keep it inside. Since I have been a kid I have somehow learned that its wrong to let out all such things. I think I should try to get things out more often but usually I feel that my reactions are way too extreme. I don’t like or dislike – I love and hate. I know that its usually wrong and stupid to feel that way. Its better to just keep it all inside and try to make my feelings clear more subtle way.
I guess this is why I feel that being with people is mostly acting. Showing only things that you are supposed to feel. Never showing what really goes inside of you. Its not maybe totally stupid to get angry for 14 years old kid talk joking about “raping” someone you know but still its not maybe worth of getting totally furious for hours and having hard time even sitting down.
posted by rakastuja at 1:20 AM
<< Home