Monday Again

I didn’t get massage but weekend was still ok. I don’t understand how it went so quickly. Most of it I spend on sofa watching TV, reading or sitting at computer. I must have made new masturbation record. It was like a constant itch that couldn’t be scratched. I got orgasm, then another and so on but it didn’t make me satisfied at all. More like it made me frustrated. Neurotic is probably good word for describing my masturbation.

It may sound exciting but it isn’t in that way. Its like being in state where you try to satisfy yourself but all orgasms and arousing are disappointment and doesn’t help at all. And after 8 hours rubbing it starts to feel pretty boring too. I watched nice amount of porn while trying to get spark for something. I tried to find video clips of cute girls kissing. Cant believe how hard it is. I mean what I want is two cute, real girls kissing and looking like they want to kiss and that they want each other. I found loads of show off tongue play, lots of unattractive model looking women etc.

I happened to come across a video clip where two girls were fighting. And I mean really fighting, not any show off wrestling or such. I cant find a word to describe reaction but it did have a big effect on me. I guess its because it reminds me of that beating I got. It really made me feel uneasy. A bit disgusted too. Still I watched whole clip like paralyzed. I guess there's a thing to talk with psychologist.

I have been thinking about my fantasies and self-image again. I clearly have two extreme egos. One ego is the supergirl. She’s pretty much everything that other people could adore. She is the girl who got good grades from school, knew right after school that she was going to get a master degree… she is smart, fun to be around, always positive, knows a bit about everything, speaks 6 languages and so on. She is the one that makes people impressed.

Then there’s the other extreme. Poor confused girl with depression. She is always a victim in fantasies. She is raped, kidnapped, tortured. She has bad luck and at best can be pitied by other people.

And I think I have a huge identity crisis. To some extent I have always thought I am that supergirl. I’m probably something between those two but now I feel I need to keep up that supergirl act to get people like me and accept me. Same time I fantasize about being that poor confused girl. And I partly am.

Dunno if this made much sense. Weird thing is that I don’t fantasize about being that supergirl. I don’t really fantasize much about being good or succeeding. I’m more like fantasizing how I fail. I wonder why I need to see myself as a victim.

I wandered a bit away from what I thought to write. I was actually just going to say I have exams ahead – two this week and one next week. Going to be really hard time and I feel anxious already. I’m already thinking if I should just decide to skip one exam right away to avoid stress.

I was going to read during weekend but I hardly got books opened at all. Now I have two days time per exam to read and its hardly enough even if I would put all I got for it. And with what I have been lately I guess 30% is a lot already.