Couple Steps Backwards

Yesterday was really awful day. I was nearly 12 hours at university. I also forgot one deadline totally and therefore failed one course right away. Last night I just couldn't get sleep. I think I just lied down thinking until 4 am or so. Today I'm supposed to have a free day but I don't feel like doing anything.

I'm going out again tomorrow. With same guy like last Saturday. I'm kind of scared. What if I'm in poor mood tomorrow?

I'm somewhat back in my usual doubts. I'm totally afraid that I just bother people who don't want to see or hear about me. Now it just even makes writing here harder. I have hard time writing here because I'm afraid what people think when they see that I again and again write same things. Its so usual that people are positive and supportive first but when no progress happens they leave. Bad thing is that I get negative feedback all the time. Its way too rare that anything such happen which would really cancel my doubts. More likely I only see things which proves my worries.

But this is nothing new. Like I said I'm back at my usual state.

I have decided to cut down the time I spend at computer. I talked about it with my psychiatrist and as I cant really even say how long I sit here per day I thought I should start to count. Maybe max 2 hours at computer in addition to what I need for working or studies.