Have A Nice Weekend
I had nice weekend.
This day has been almost like new anxiousity record. Someday not very far in future Im going to get a heart attack or something. I have had hard time breathing and chest feels like it's been in screw bench. I cried at work too. I just went to one quiet toilet on basement floor and sat down and cried. Rest of the day I tried to avoid talking with anyone.
Im giving in again. No one cares about me like I want to be cared. Its just a fact. It doesnt make much difference if it's because of me or because of everyone else. Yes some people do care about me in some way. It's not how I would deep down define caring anyway.
I have had among worst times lately. And still it's not like people would care to support me. I have tried and tried to explain that in times like this nothing would be better than my friends making sure that they show even some interest in how I feel on daily basis. I wouldnt need to be much. Even just an email asking "how are you today" would be really welcome if I have told how miserable I felt on previous evening.
No one just cares enough to do that.
I dont think they are bad. They just care in their way. I either dont deserve anything more or Im just stupid not being able accept it.
I have tried reason it with myself but Im once again running out of arguments of why people dont show much interest in talking with me. Sure if I talk with them they try to say that they dont mind talking with me. Or that they had "thought about me". No one still seems to want to take any initiaves though. It's always just me having push myself to talk with people.
And again then they say "oh no it doesnt matter you come to talk with me". If it doesnt matter them and if they care about me, and if they know its really hard for me to make initiatives when Im feeling anxious, and they know I would love to have them to make initiative too sometimes... THEN WHY THE FUCK THEY DONT? I just cant find any reasonable solution for that. I dont. Am I mentally sick because of that?
This day has been almost like new anxiousity record. Someday not very far in future Im going to get a heart attack or something. I have had hard time breathing and chest feels like it's been in screw bench. I cried at work too. I just went to one quiet toilet on basement floor and sat down and cried. Rest of the day I tried to avoid talking with anyone.
Im giving in again. No one cares about me like I want to be cared. Its just a fact. It doesnt make much difference if it's because of me or because of everyone else. Yes some people do care about me in some way. It's not how I would deep down define caring anyway.
I have had among worst times lately. And still it's not like people would care to support me. I have tried and tried to explain that in times like this nothing would be better than my friends making sure that they show even some interest in how I feel on daily basis. I wouldnt need to be much. Even just an email asking "how are you today" would be really welcome if I have told how miserable I felt on previous evening.
No one just cares enough to do that.
I dont think they are bad. They just care in their way. I either dont deserve anything more or Im just stupid not being able accept it.
I have tried reason it with myself but Im once again running out of arguments of why people dont show much interest in talking with me. Sure if I talk with them they try to say that they dont mind talking with me. Or that they had "thought about me". No one still seems to want to take any initiaves though. It's always just me having push myself to talk with people.
And again then they say "oh no it doesnt matter you come to talk with me". If it doesnt matter them and if they care about me, and if they know its really hard for me to make initiatives when Im feeling anxious, and they know I would love to have them to make initiative too sometimes... THEN WHY THE FUCK THEY DONT? I just cant find any reasonable solution for that. I dont. Am I mentally sick because of that?
posted by rakastuja at 11:06 PM
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