Talked with Cousin Again

Life really sucks at the moment. I dont even know why...

I just went long way backwards in my depression. I just feel anxious and its crushing again. I get chest pains and breathing troubles all the time.

And it paralyzes. I have hard time doing anything.

I talked with my cousin yesterday night. I told her exactly how I feel and how I think. This time I just forced my point through. Again I did hear how I have been doing everything wrong and how I hurt others all the time and so on.

I know this sounds bad... but she has a tendency of not understanding at all, getting offended and blaming you about it same time.

Well maybe it now goes differently. I honestly dont know. At one point she said something like "we dont need to stay in contact anymore". I dont know if she ment it. I just hope that she finally understands how serious I am and hurt I feel.

I cried pretty much whole night.

Now Im at work, tired and without any motivation to do any work.

I just forced myself to start writing this. I havent written much in blog recently. Or at least not so much what really goes on inside me. I have to stop now though. I dont want to start crying at work.