Crushing

I'm so hoping that it rains tomorrow so that I wouldnt need to go to play tennis...

I'm feeling really awful. I have difficulties in sitting 8 hours at work without starting to cry and trying to look even somewhat content and normal. M already asked why I'm all the time so busy that I dont have time to meet her. In reality I'm not busy I'm just avoiding her.

She already wondered if I got more hurt last time than I showed... She used a dildo on me anally and it just felt uncomfortable and burned. We had all the lube and everything needed but it just didnt work. Since dildo didnt really work she switched to fingers and they were even worse. I felt really disappointed because it didnt feel good and I just was in mood for her to be rough on me... I wanted her to kind of just take me. Well it was rough and it didnt work like sometime before. It burned quite a lot and I was bleeding a bit after it.

It was disappointing thing. Once earlier she used a dildo to my butt until my legs gave away and it was pretty amazing and intense experience. I really wanted to have same this time too.

But its not the reason why Im anxious or why Im avoiding her... I just feel anxious. I have cried so much this week already. Its really crushing now. And paralyzing... I didnt do anything at work today. Most of day I just surfed in net without really getting interested in anything.

I need to get something to this... I would normally take alcohol to just cheer up a bit but Im still so ashamed of Saturday that I dont feel like taking anything at all.

Feels like Im lost in all this again.