Lack of Love

I just thought how much I really would like to fall in love again. To meet someone, to have dreams and excitement again. At some point I thought that next one should already be some long relationship thing but now I guess it would be enough just to meet someone and not to think farther than next day. After I broke up with my ex I had kind of wild time. After I woke up in my bisexuality I had kind of wild time. Maybe I should have some wild time again soon?

I seem to become nostalgic about M all the time. She was such a bitch. And weirdly attractive. I usually have said that she was ugly. She wasn't. Just not traditionally pretty. Short hair and butch-like look isn't normally viewed as pretty or attractive with girls. Too bad she was a bitch outside the bedroom too. Couldn't stand her. But when it came to sex she knew exactly what buttons she needed to press to make me do what ever she wanted. Ok... now it starts to sound that I crave more sex than love. Dunno. Might be - even though I don't like separating those two things too much.

M is a friend of my friend. We met in New Years party. My friends had called her with and introduced as my avec for the night (as a joke). Something gliched immediately. I didn't like her. She didn't seem to like me. Then alcohol took part in it. Everyone was heavily drunk and in the end (4 am or so) I ended up in bed with her. Could have been just that but on the morning we went to shower together and made love there... it was prolly among most perfect things that have happened to me. We ended up to the floor with warm water raining down. I got orgasm and I started to cry uncontrollably. I don't know what came into me. I wasn't sad, hurted or anything. It all just touched me somehow. And just then she just silently held me in her arms, hugging until I stopped crying. I cant describe it properly with words. It however didn't change the fact that we really didn't like each other much outside those intimate moments. Still I think we shared something more than just sex. I have couple times told this all to people and got very negative comments. Yes I guess M could have been called as fuck buddy but there was always something more than just physical sex... it wasn't just sport like thing.

We met irregularly some months until I wanted to stop it. I knew that I would have developed too deep feelings for her. I somehow think she didn't have that problem. So did she just use me as a toy? Might be. Maybe that was just the thing I loved in our sex - being used. But then later when I happened to see her at a bar where I was with K she seemed really jealous. You cant be jealous unless you care... maybe she just hid her emotions too well even though I tend to be very sensitive to notice these kind of things...

Sweet memories... *sigh*