Yesterday's Appointment

So I guess I should tell a bit about that meeting I got with the psychologist... I was kind of messed up yesterday evening so I had no idea what I actually should have thought about it.

I tried to have realistic expectations before going there: it was the first meeting, nothing was going to change in there, nothing special was going to happen. I was still really worried how I would look there. I mean my friends cant see that I'm depressed. I tell them it and they look very suspicious probably thinking that I'm lying or something. I had really big troubles trying to think what I should say so that I would sound credible with my problems. Problem is also that I'm officially so much different than what I guess I am inside. I have a public face and then something else - something into where I hide from the fact that the public side is pretty much acting. But what is true in me then? I have no idea. I always seem to think myself through others. Like with the psychologist... I didn't really think so much what I am but what I would look like. It just cant be too sane...

Back to the real subject here. I was really nervous going there. I had thought through the meeting many times already and I almost had a list of things I was going to say there. He was really nice but somehow awfully passive. I didn't feel that I would have had any kind of connection to him like I usually have with people. It made me feel uncomfortable. I mean I was supposed to talk about painful and sensitive issues with someone who just looked more like bored to be there. I dunno how much he was going to go in depth issues in first meeting. I guess I was. I was determined to take full benefit from the time. So we chatted a bit - just general things. I went pretty straight to the point - to what is the problem... or what I think is the problem. I held kind of practiced speech I guess - of course not a proper speech but I spoke a lot and fast... then I kind of broke down... I had decided not to cry - just to go there and have objective and reasonable discussion about things but I lost control... I don't really have clue where it went from there. I cried probably half of the time there and I didn't really listen what he said. I some times feel kind of 'phase out' (ok.. a terms I just made)... I can see and hear that people talk to me but I cant really get grip of what they say. Worst thing is that I'm very good saying those 'ok', 'yes', 'sure' so that other people don't necessarily even notice that I actually haven't listened at all. I had exactly same there. I think I have another time next week but I don't have clue which day and time. Also I don't know at all what he said... I just feel embarrassed about it. I mean I probably was really pathetic case...

Now writing this I begin to wonder why I again need to worry so much what some psychologist think about me. Why cant I just be myself and let him get true picture of me instead of trying to make him get the picture I want. Is it even possible to fool psychologist? I mean shouldn't they expect that their patients wont necessarily tell pure truth without any distortion. In borderline and historic disorders one of the traits is 'manipulative'. How can psychologist see who is manipulative without being manipulated himself? I mean only way would be that the manipulation kind of fails...

Lots of things to think about again... like always...