Back From Business Trip

I returned from a business trip.

I'm feeling so lonely again. Lonely and miserable. If I would die today it would probably take over week before anyone would start to wonder where I am - and that would be at work. Doubt that friends or family would miss me in that time period yet.

I cried a lot last night. I ended up thinking that in one way I have been better lately: I havent thought about my funerals very recently. I used to "fantasize" about my own funerals. Weird thing... Not too healthy I bet.

My friend didnt hug me yesterday when we saw first time for couple weeks. I was going to hug her but she didnt make any move to hug me so I didnt... we just said "hi" from a meter apart.. talked shortly and that was it.

It hurted badly.

I guess it's because I havent been enough in contact with people and just not too good friend lately in any way.

I drank a lot yesterday. I sat watching tv and just drank. I wanted to get numb but it doesnt work for me. More I drink, more sad I become. Then I took anxiety meds - not much but just enough to pass out. I woke up later and spent half of the night throwing up in bathroom.

I would want this day just to go past fast but Im not really waiting for tomorrow either...

And I dont feel like checking through what I have written now... what does it matter if this makes no sense..