Doing It Online

Just collected my thoughts about cybering, net sex or whatever you would call it.

My "first time" was in one chat room. I was just interested to see how it would go and what it would be like. It wasn’t best possible experience. Just some role-playing of what we would do. I wasn’t really turned on at all. I was more like just writing things I supposed I should have written. It was quite meaningless for me.

After that I got more interested in erotic stories and I tried role-playing in story form. I emailed with a couple different persons and we wrote a chapter or two in turns. It was arousing and fun. It was way more role-playing and way more fun than what my chatting experience was. In chat (it seems to me) it's almost only about describing sex acts. But with this emailing there was a background, lots of things that weren’t related to sex and so on. They made sweet stories.

However it got boring after a while. It would take much more than weekly cravings for arousal to get a story go on and develop for long time. This emailing thing actually happened when my relationship with one guy was ending. I guess it was motivated by excitement seeking.

After I broke up with him I started to use net more often. I also spend much more time in chats. I tried role-playing couple times but for me it doesn’t do much. I find it more or less boring or even a turn off to write things like "oooh! You lick my pussy so well" - things that aren’t happening, things that wont happen, things I don’t really even want to happen (not with that person anyway).

I like chatting about sex. I love getting aroused and touching myself while chatting. Mutual masturbation while chatting can be really nice. I got quite often into that kind of situations even though it’s hard to find someone for that.

I have big issues with my relationship or feelings toward the person I'm chatting with. I tend either to like or dislike strongly. With those who I like I start to develop feelings very easily. With those who I don’t like, I often find it hard to even have a chit chat.

In my experience developing feelings toward someone in net is just stupid. Maybe it’s a natural thing to happen but I have always got hurt. Nowadays I try to keep certain distance and I try to keep it less personal. I try to keep the line so that when I close the computer, there is no “relationship” with that person.

I'm submissive and of course I have tried that online too. For me those have been the most arousing online experiences. And as I don’t like role-playing, it has been mostly directed masturbation. I have done what the other tells me to do.

And I have done some really kinky (on my scale anyway) things that way... anal toying, humiliation etc. And I have lived through really strong emotions and feelings. I have been shaking from excitement and tension. I have almost begged to get orgasm. I have felt physical pain too. At best they are experiences that will make you wet for days after thinking about them and make you dream about next time.

At best (or worst) those have developed into a relationship which has affected to life quite a lot outside that online time too. Not to mention that online time tends to increase a lot in such case.

I said "or worst" because those have also hurt most. For me, there is no long online relationship. I'm very sensitive to how people I like or love act towards me. And in online things there are always a lot of things you need to guess or trust since not being able to talk and communicate face to face always leaves too much hidden. I just can’t handle those.

I guess such online submission is a thing I'm craving for (as I'm totally single now and too often sitting at home alone). But in same time I know that if it works it will develop into some kind of relationship. And I can’t handle those.

And for me submission works in so emotional levels that I don’t know if it’s even possible to have it only as short “sessions” online.

Now it sounds like I would have huge experience of online things. Not really true. I actually quite rarely even seek those. Most of times I'm just up for a little chat about interesting things (I'm interested in sex!). And if I get aroused or masturbate I most of the time won’t even tell it.

Phone sex is a kind of online thing too. I haven’t much experience in it. I'm pretty poor at phone, even if talking with my friends. I can’t imagine having sex on phone with a stranger. And with those I have been in relationship with, it has always been too easy option to meet instead.

And then there are of course webcams. I have been amazed how many guys want to show themselves in a webcam. And yet I haven’t really watched any of such show. I have once watched briefly a guy jerking off in front of webcam but it had no interaction or didn’t last too long. As an idea it's somehow tickling. However I feel that webcam is way more personal medium. If I could see the guys face I think I would have to like the guy to enjoy the show. In that sense I might prefer just seeing a cock only in a very anonymous manner but then again I'm not sure how much it would do to me.

As for myself using a webcam is frightening idea. With a stranger: never. With someone I have feelings for: maybe. When I'm an object of attention - especially very direct attention - I tend to feel very vulnerable and threatened. (In a way that happens in submission and that's why it has a huge emotional impact on me. I believe being submissive is my way to cope that fear is sexual way but that’s another story.) I have masturbated while my partner watches in same room. And it was a very intimate experience for me. I can’t imagine sharing so intimate thing with a stranger or just someone.

This has been a way too long post already but one thing still. There is a problem in online sex for me. Often after sexual satisfaction I would like to cuddle, just feel closeness and enjoy the intimacy there is after sex. But at least for me this cuddling phase requires genuine feelings toward the other. Often what happens after online sex makes me feel a bit disappointed and even lonelier than I was before it. For me it has been a problem I can’t find solution.

And yet I still get times when craving for excitement grows bigger than my past bad experiences.