Update Of Recent Things

At work and feeling really depressed.

I threw up yesterday morning. Of course that also removed the antidepressant pill which is slowly dissolving depot-pill. Maybe that is the reason I feel like being overrun by a truck - mentally.

I had a psychologist finally on last Monday. Havent yet talked about it with anyone. Or written about it. So maybe it's time to try to get it a bit out of my head.

The psychologist was pretty grey and dull looking woman. Once again I had to start from very beginning. Explain everything. We talked maybe 50 minutes and she wrote like 10 papers during that time. She has an annoying way to just stare silently with a very skeptic look on her face. And a very annoying way to just ask "why" after everything I said.

But at least now I have half dozen psychologist times. After that I will probably get some therapy times.

I have felt really lonely lately.

I have also felt really submissive... almost masochistic.

I'm almost craving for to be used. Abused. Maybe because I dont want myself to cut or harm myself. Maybe that's why I'm craving for someone else to do it to me. In a sexual way.

I have basically two "best friends". One of them is someone I have known my whole life. She didnt take me as a bridesmaid when she got married. I felt a bit turned down but I put it away from my mind. We havent been so close lately. I guess it was fair that way.

She got a baby recently. She didnt take me as a godmother for that child. I felt turned down again. Maybe it was because I'm single or something.

I'm not invited to christening either - because only "closest ones and godfather/mother" are invited.