Decapitation

I saw such dream again...

I was going to be decapitated. This time it happened in my parents living room. And my parents were there too. And other people were there too. I was scared and crying. I was afraid it would hurt. And what if executioner would fail to do it neatly? What if it would take several attempts before I would die?

I talked with my mother and she told she had wanted it to happen in their house so that they could watch it.

I merely sat on floor waiting for everything to be ready. They brought a big block of wood in front of me and no one needed to force me to do anything. I was kind of happy thinking that soon it will be over. So I put my head on the block. I remember thinking if I should rest my forehead on it or should I look to either side so that my neck would touch the wood.

I put my forehead on it. I felt cold metal lightly touching back of my neck when executioner kind of placed axe where he was aiming. Then it dissappeared as the axe was lifted up. And then I felt how axe was coming down. A sharp pain in back of my neck and then everything went black. I know I was dead.

And that's when I woke up.

I wasn't even close to as scared as I was when I was first time killed in my dream.

It's Been A While

I was almost shocked when I looked the date when I last posted here...

I have been longer times now at hospital and without any proper internet connection. I don' know really... I have somehow more or less forgotten this.

I haven't been so suicidal anymore. Partly because of the hospital. Partly because I finally quit thinking we would be friends ever anymore with H. She isn't interested in friendship enough to get any dent to her ego. She isn't willing to admit that she would have done a single wrong thing. To her it's more important than a friendship, my life or anything related to me. It's really humiliating to be just discarded and abandoned. And she knew it and apparently did it without feeling bad at all. Well now she is free to go to get new friends for fun and then throw them away again.

I hate her for that. And hating can feel so good. I don't often see bad anywhere else than inside me. No matter what is done to me I almost always get feeling it is because I'm inheritly bad and worthless. I guess she crossed some kind of tolerance line when she same time gave "I'm a nice person and a good friend" act while declining to talk about or apologize that she had lied and hurt me. There's only a certain amount of bullshit a person can take.

I'm sure she tells her story to people. People who in turn hate me and think bad about me. Would be funny to hear if she actually explains that she lied to me, then suddenly blamed me for believing her lies and after that refused to discuss about it and saw nothing wrong in it at all. All this while knowing I was depressed, almost suicidal with immense fear of rejection and abandoning. And that I something like 8 months tried to get her talk about it and she simply either got angry, ignored me or blamed me about being hurt.

I was in the middle of a room and there were people around watching me.
And I had to cut myself.
I bled and I tried to cover the pool of blood forming below me with a towel.
But it didnt absorb it.
And around me they become angry at me because I couldnt keep the floor clean.
They left the room.
And I was alone.

I woke up.

I was in the same room again.
Again there were people around me, watching me.
I had to cut myself but I only had dull scissors.
I tried to explain that it's difficult to cut yourself with such scissors.
But they got angry and told me stop making excuses.
They left the room again.
And I was alone again, in the middle of that room.

Still Alive

Im still alive.

I have been in hospital without net connection. Sorry.

I know how it will end.

I'll end up in hospital. No one knows about it. I dont tell about it to anyone because people dont want to hear about it. When I get back to home, no one has noticed I was gone. No one asks what has happened or how I am. No one is happy that Im back. And I still cant talk about it to anyone. I will feel horrible and suicidal. But there is no one I could call. When I cant take being alone anymore I kill myself. The end.

somehow i doubt ill ever talk with some of those people i thought as my friends

no goodbyes...

i just dont exist to them anymore

sure they answer if i keep asking but otherwise im invisible to them


i dont think medicine, therapy or anything can help. i mean i can get rid of depression. i can get rid of anxiety. but what can change that people like me more? if the person, personality and identity, that i am now isnt good enough then there is no solution. only solution would be becoming another person but i dont think i want to.

maybe my personality is just a failure - kind of unsuitable for living, for having friends.

more people know me less they like me. even closest friends at some point will see something so repulsive inside me that they start avoiding me. i try to keep people in right distance but it never works. no one cares to stay as my friends more than couple years. everyone just lies about staying in contact and being as friends but they never contact me on their on. friendships are just lot of work for something that wont last.or maybe im a fastfood of friendships - consumed and discarded. and i dont believe it will ever change. i will just always end up being alone and abandoned.