It's Been A While

I was almost shocked when I looked the date when I last posted here...

I have been longer times now at hospital and without any proper internet connection. I don' know really... I have somehow more or less forgotten this.

I haven't been so suicidal anymore. Partly because of the hospital. Partly because I finally quit thinking we would be friends ever anymore with H. She isn't interested in friendship enough to get any dent to her ego. She isn't willing to admit that she would have done a single wrong thing. To her it's more important than a friendship, my life or anything related to me. It's really humiliating to be just discarded and abandoned. And she knew it and apparently did it without feeling bad at all. Well now she is free to go to get new friends for fun and then throw them away again.

I hate her for that. And hating can feel so good. I don't often see bad anywhere else than inside me. No matter what is done to me I almost always get feeling it is because I'm inheritly bad and worthless. I guess she crossed some kind of tolerance line when she same time gave "I'm a nice person and a good friend" act while declining to talk about or apologize that she had lied and hurt me. There's only a certain amount of bullshit a person can take.

I'm sure she tells her story to people. People who in turn hate me and think bad about me. Would be funny to hear if she actually explains that she lied to me, then suddenly blamed me for believing her lies and after that refused to discuss about it and saw nothing wrong in it at all. All this while knowing I was depressed, almost suicidal with immense fear of rejection and abandoning. And that I something like 8 months tried to get her talk about it and she simply either got angry, ignored me or blamed me about being hurt.