Self-analysis

Here's how I currently see myself. This is really hard to put as I feel I can more easily point what is wrong in some statement about me than what is right.

I think the biggest problem with me is understanding how people show emotions and intentions. How do you know if someone care about you or not? Through how people act toward you, what they say and how and when. And it happens pretty intuitively. I don't know if it's learned or inherited but we all have kind of "expectations" how other persons should react to situations depending on their inner feelings.

Like imagine your mother getting so demented that she doesn't remember you at all. When you say "hi", she might respond with "hi" but without same kind of reaction you expect. You wouldn't get hurt because she doesn't say something precisely something, or because she doesn't act precisely in some way but because you get a feeling that she doesn't have any feelings toward you. Now assume that with this situation she would still claim to remember you and love you - no matter how much your brains would tell otherwise.

That is a bit how it is with me. People don't react in a way I expect they should if they would have certain feelings toward me. That's why I feel hurt so often. It's often that someone can claim to like me and next moment I sense total void in their reactions "emotional content".

I'm not stupid. I understand that I get people's reactions wrong. But if you all the time feel you are being fooled you are likely to believe it some point. Also sensing that something is wrong makes you try to figure out what it is. With me it usually means trying to provoke those reactions I expect to see. That is why I often very strongly state how I feel. I think I believe that if I would very clearly show how I feel, other people would do so too. And then I could maybe see what I expect to see and it would help my insecurity.

It just rarely works. Often it leads to almost paranoid chase of trying find what I want. I try to find a proof to either way. I would need constant reassuring to keep me believing against what I intuitively feel.

Or actually I don't know if I just understand things wrong or if I'm too sensitive to what I feel. Often when if what someone says and what I expect to see meets it feels overwhelming. Like going off the scale. Most of times it happens when someone either loves or hates me and shows it clearly. Sadly it feels that latter is almost more common.

Being too sensitive would make sense also because being honest you aren't always happy to see someone - even if you would like that person. Or you might be busy or tired or something else. But you aren't all the time very happy to see anyone you like. It is possible that I'm just way too sensitive to these. Maybe I'm not totally wrong in when I feel that "no one cares about me". I just don't have idea of the magnitude. Maybe in reality it was "we are not too thrilled to see you".

But of course people don't usually admit such things. It's not polite to say to people that you don't want to see them at the moment - you rather tell excuses, little white lies.

So either way, same results. The feeling I get people doest match what they say. It makes me almost paranoid in trying to see the "truth" in people and it eats away anything I have felt before. I can be very convinced about someone one moment but if wont last if I keep getting contradictory feelings. It also makes me very insecure because most of times I feel that people in reality are more negative toward me than they claim to be. It's like being ugly and seeing it in mirror (what else are peoples reactions than a social mirror) while everyone just are too polite to admit it.