Long Post

Haven't written for a while...

I pretty much stopped writing this blog, stopped visiting couple forums where I have been active, stopped answering emails I get, stopped having messenger on all the time. Why? I don't know. I guess I'm just tired of all this.

I'm tired of having a feeling that people don't care about me. I know I think wrong. I know I expect wrong things. Still it doesn't help much. My problem seems to be that I think too much of what friendship means. My idea of friendship is that you can do some effort to show that you care.

So how can I be less friends with people? I feel myself just cold and distant when I try. I end up acting like I wouldn't act normally.…

Right now I feel depressed, anxious and desperate. I'm not sure what does anything matter anymore. I know that there are people who care. I know world isn't better without me. But I also know that I'm incompatible with people. Maybe world isn't better without me but I probably would be better without world.

I don't know what will happen with the medicine. I feel myself really depressed again. Depressed in a passive and flegmatic way. I was supposed to drop dose a bit before this all now I haven't done that. No use dropping dose when it seems it isn't working. Problem is that the dose can be raised only a bit anymore. I'm already close to maximum dose. After that only solution is to change medicine.

Changing medicine will need a flush out period and then the side effects, nausea and all that, will come again with new medicine. And it will take some weeks for new medicine to start working properly again. So maybe it's about 2-3 months even. And what if the other medicine doesn't work either? What if it's 3rd or 4th medicine that works? It could take a year before I get right medicine and only after that I could start talking about getting totally over depression after 6-18 months treatment.

Will it take 2 years? 2 years with at least half of it being this same suffering? And then what? I'll be 27 years old, feeling that third of my life has been wasted in depression? I just one day notice I'm ok and start enjoying life?

Doesn't look very encouraging.

This is a long post already but I'll have to write about one more thing. I told H next day about my overdose. It became an argue just like with my cousin when I told about my depression. H told me that in this matter it doesn't help if she is nice and friendly.

I was shocked. Again.

It took three argues before she even said she was sorry that I got hurt.

I know lots of things I do are wrong. I don't need lectures about them. I just need someone who I can trust to be my friend even when I have done something wrong. I was feeling way worse after talking with H.

I'm not sure if I can get over this ever. I feel it to some point ruined our friendship. Not the event itself but the fact that I feel I cant tell her about anything anymore. Feels a bit like H now like anyone else - someone to whom I need to keep somekind of act on.

I guess it's still just me being incompatible...

But how I can I not feel inheritly faulty and worthless as everything always turns out to be my fault? All the time when I get hurt it always ends up so that it was my fault. I'm the one who always does the the apologizing. If I'm so wrong all the time, how can I not be a bad person?

I'm so sad and lonely and it doesn't look like it would change anywhere in near future. I stopped using one of my msn messenger accounts (I have couple: for rakastuja, for real life friends, for school projects) and no one asked me to start using it again. I stopped using it because I kept checking it dozen times a day, tried to talk with people couple times a day and got someone to talk with me barely once or twice per week. Too much stress and disappointment from one thing.

And I guess it was relief for my friends there too.